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Child-rearing has no quick fixes.

Marcie Good
Contributing Writer

CHILDREN, unlike
cell phones or VCRs,
do not come with
instruction manuals.

But raising a child, parent-
ing educator Fran
Kammermayer told a group
of about 40 parents at a
recent North Vancouver
meeting, has no quick-fix
answers.

Razher, it is a long creative
process of setting limits while

‘still allowing children to

grow, and it demands lots of
time and lots of energy.

To make it casier on your-
self, she said, learn good
habits easly.

“The reason I am so pas-
sionate about working with
parents of young children is
that the skills you learn now
will carry you through the
school years and the teenage

"_ years,” she assured them.

“1 am’ not a believer in
using a different set. of skills-
when the child gets older.”

Kammesmayer, who co-
ordinates parent education

for Family Services of the

North Shore, was speaking at

- a workshop called Discipline

With Love, one of the events
in Together Against Violence
Month |:

Discipline, she said, is the

” topic she is most often asked

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Drive, W.

Van, 926-7710 5

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Treats. and niulled drinks a at’ ‘Cherry Tree.

to speak about.

While an overwhelming
amount of information is now
available to parents, what they
often miss is reassurance: your
child’s behaviour is not
hideously worse than that of
other people’s kids.

Talking to others can
often provide a much-needed
fresh perspective.

Kammermayer — encour-
aged parents to talk to their
children with the same
respect they use with adults.

If your fciend comes over
to visit and accidentally spills

wine on the couch, you

instantly tell them it’s OK

“You don’t say to your
friend, ‘Uve told you 500
times not to spill your wine!” ”
she said.

“Se why do you say that to
your child?”

Giving your child choices,

even at a young age, is an”

important strategy in helping
them become independent.

At snack time, for exam-

le, 2. child can ~ choose
tween cheese and crackers
or an apple.

“The child will say ‘no,’

because that is their favourite
word, a want Halloween
candy.” ” .
Avoid the power struggle:
that will inevitably foilow, she .
said, by reiterating the child’s
choice and then Icaving the
room.

If the child stili insists on
candy,
choice for the child.

Never ever (“and I hardly
ever say ‘never ever,” she
said) give the child a chinice
with an ‘.answer -you don’t
want to hear.

“When I’ hear parents say,’
‘do. you want to’ go home

then you make the -

from
cringe.”

Kammermayer — empha-
sized the difference between
discipline and punishment, 2
distinction that often confus-
es parents.

While punishment creates
fear and resentment, disci-
pline involves giving conse-
quences that are related to
the action.

If a child paints on the
wall, have ther clean it up.

“Parents often say to ime,
‘well he enjoys cleaning it up.”
But who says that making
armends for our actions must
be miserable?”

Consequences, she said,
help a child learn to be
accountable.

When trying to think of
consequences, don’t be afraid
to “buy time.”

“You don’t need to be an
instant parent,” she said.

Phone an unbiased third
arty, she suggested, or cven
isk the child. 86

Often, they will come up
with something far more
severe than they deserve.

Kammermayer cited the
popular “rime out” practice

the park now?”

-as an example of a punish-

ment that is not related to the
child’s action.
Acknowledging that many

“might ‘disagree wich her, she

said sending a child to a room

is not a good way for them to

learn from the situation. ..
While a child-is having a

tantrum .or ‘a. fight with .
‘another child, he is often «

experiencing intense -emo- .
tions he has never felt before.
Children do not want, and

“aren’t ready, to be sent away ©
~ from the’ parent to‘deal with’
_the emotion alone. - ’

While many parenting
manuals suggest one minute’ -

of time out for cach year of —-
the child’s life, that time isan .. §

arbitrary figure not related to ©.
the emotion the child is feel-':
ing.

Instead, encourage the

child to calm down until he
can talk about it er unl: he
ean return to what" he. wa

doing.
the child starts reading
book or playing alone, ‘that

The important thing, sai
Kammermayer, is to hel a
child deal with the emotion:

Bad behaviour, she point-
ed out, usually happens when
the child needs something;
when .he is hungry, tired;
bored, or getting sick,

While it’s cas’
attention to bad
parents often’ neglect:
notice good behaviour.

Reinforce good habits; sh
urged parents,:and they.
get repeated. :

Making: a child
for hurting another child shi
said, is often not useful:

Usually the’ child
all sorry, and does in
gize sincerely,

- Instead, s
the other child: an
child’s: parent’ that’ yo
sorry,» role” modellit

roper action

Above ‘all, sh
your sense of humot

When a chil
dressed, make a
life and start ‘talking.

”. “When you-\ are: he ini