Douc
COLLINS

° get this straight *

ONE WHC has sufferéd as much as I have from things
electronic and mechanical should have known better than to
fet a telephone answering machine into the house. Alas, lam
the eternal optimist. So in the damned thing came.

At was Grey Eyes’ fault, of
course. She’s the one who went
and got it. But she’s an engincer,
Or should have been. She it is who
manages the VCR. So when lam |
fumbling around in the remote

“hope of capturing a future pro-
gram she always pops up with
directions. ‘‘Not that way, silly.
When will you ever learn?”’

house when the phone rang we
wouldn't need to go to it if we
didn’t want to. We could also have
dinner in peace if someone called
from Toronto, which’ they always
do, being unthinking Easterners.

In fact, having ‘an ‘answering

- machine made no difference when

we were in the house. For we are
Programmed t to a wer the phone

oy
ome

Ow ‘answering machine,you see, was a
machine unlike the others, just like Quebec.
It had a will of its own, made peculiar
noises, and developed a an Intermingble--

beep.”

Judge Les Bewley’ s wie, Bess, is

the same way. When we're
- together, she and Grey Eyes ex-
‘change data while Les and |
~ discuss how to change the world
for the better. |. i

Onc of the ways to change the ~

world for the better, if you ask me, |

“is to go back to candles ‘and things.
Life, was simpler then.
* But about, tha answering

ein: :
gladness Ag te before’ Christmas, her
theory being that if we e were in the

‘rustees

_Beneral :

A new. 1 associatio president will |

be elected Saturday, and _approx-
_ imately ;
ill be dealt with Sunday.

* dent

:B.Cs Teachers Federation presi- -.
hy is

when it rings, just as 1 was pro-
grammed years ago to salute
gencrals. (To this day, I am likely
‘to go into the old goose-step if
sce the right insignia.) Not only
that, but you never know what's
up. It could be an emergency,
couldn't it? ;
But | never did trust the con-

traption, And, as ‘always, the in-
Structions for use were incom-

: prehensible. Everything is made in
« Japan these days, and the people
- “who write the inst: uctions have all ,

- been trained in how.todrive us” |
“mad. They are incapable. of writing _,

. for the likes oft the,

‘to address delegates Saturday.
‘For: information call: the BCTA

‘

v

Grey Eyes took over again and
somehow fathosned out to get the
little light blinking, ete. And
belicve itor not we started getting

Messages. Sart of,

Most of them were rude. What
the hell have you got there?"' ask-
ed one guy. “Seventy-six trom-
bones?”

Our answering machine, you
sce, was a machine unlike the
others, just like Quebec. It had a
will of its own, made peculiar
noises, and developed an intermi-
nable beep.

Most callers gave up, signing off
without saying a word. And small
wonder. No one wants to stick
around while a boshy electronic
device insults them.

This one frequently broke wind. -

Or hooted. Also, when we played
the mess back, strange, ghostly
and uninvited voices were heard.
We could have been in some In-
dian bazaar. Often, J thought the
Ayatolla had been on the line.

About every third ‘‘message”’
said: ‘This is the West Vancouver
Exchange. You have dialled the
wrong number. Please hang up
and dial again.” (Docs West Van-
couver still have an exchange?
Never mind. That’s what the voice
said.)

There were also sounds reminis-
cent of the Blitz. Air raid Sirens
and things,

Some people stayed the course,
bear-like: They were,the sort who

. climb Mount Everest or swim the

Georgia Strait. But they complain-
ed bitterly that they had never -
heard a machine like ours.

ori swear that beep is getting
longer,’ said a frequent caller
from Ottawa, who sounded as if
he was fainting. .

When E called in to test it, how-
ever, it was quite short. That's the
kind of machine it was. | think it
laughed a lot.

This weck, Grey Eyes, under
great pressure, took it back to the
store.

“Oh yes,’’ said the nice man.

. ‘We have had a bit of trouble with

this particular kind. Most of them
are OK, but one or two have pone

* onthe fritz. Not to worry, though.

_ We'll give you ‘a much better one
’ for another $50,"" :
Over my dead body! e

:

4

at 734-2721 or the e Hyatt Regen)
at 687-6543, .

ri

Stantey, Hickory, Gordons,

Hespeler, parenlounger,

9 - Friday, April 22, 1988 - North Share News

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