Shannon Humphreys
Contributing Columnist

With all the psychologi-
cal studies being done
nowadays, I’m sur-
prised some clever
shrink hasn’t identified
the condition I call Post
Halloween Syndrome.

I think it may be one of
those things, like PMS, that
women have always experi-
enced but never realized
because it hasn’t been
defined for them.

This syndrome is in its
acute phase the first day after
Halloween, and gradually
tapers off over the next five
days. lam going through it
right now. If you think you
might be going through it
too, here are the symptoms.

Day one starts with a
huge headache, which begins
the moment I wake up and
start yelling at my kids for
eating Halloween candy for
breakfast. It’s all I can do to
get the kids out the door to
school so I can sit down
with a nice cup of coffee and
an O’Henry bar.

T have lower back pain.
Every time I bend over to
pick up the candy wrappers
that are scattered all over the
floor I wince. Sometimes it
hurts so much that I have to
sit down on the floor for a
while. If I’m lucky I find a
jelly bean or caramel that the
kids dropped under the
couch.

I begin to feel bloated. It
starts just after my third
‘chocolate bar at breakfast,
and increases dramatically
throughout the day. By
lunch I have to switch from
chocolate bars to Cheezies,
from jeans into sweat pants.

. On the first day the
bloating is so severe by din-
ner time that I am forced to
change from my sweat pants
into an old maternity night-
ie.

On day two I feel nau-
seous, It can get so bad that
T have to temporarily stop
eating chocolate and start
drinking pop in order to
queii the sea of sickness in
my gut.

‘or No apparent reason
my teeth hurt. (One year the
pain was so bad I had to
have two fillings replaced.)

My personality changes. I
go from an understanding,
only mildly stressed out
woman into a lying thief. I
scour the house in search of
my kids’ stashes. When I
find their loot, I sort
through the bags of candy
like a pirate sifting through
buried treasure to find my
favorite chocolate bars.
These I cat on the spot.

Day three, I turn into a
worse parent. I let my chil-
dren fight over who stole
each others’ candy until
someone starts crying, at
which point I intervene.

“You have so much
candy, how can you possibly
know any is missing?” I ask
one.

“J made a list,” the kid
answers, fuming. “Seven
Caramilks are gone!”

“The dogs have been sick
today, they probably got into

” T say, Everyone knows
dogs love chocolate so this
sausfies them somewhat, but
I feel awful abour the dogs.

On day four, Paranoia.
sets in. No one in my family
trusts me. They refuse to
share with me. They hide
things from me. I don’t

know why they are so edgy,
most of the good chocolate
bars are gone anyway, and
only the raisins and sun-
flower seeds are left. I get

depressed

Day five.

By now there is nothing
left of Halloween, except for
a few battered apples
thoughtfully handed out by
the old couple down the
block. I cannot bring myself
to eat them.

Ir’s over. PHS has, essen-
tially, run its course.

A tangible wave of relief
sweeps through the house-
hold. I feel human again.
Problem is, my clothes don’t
fit, T have a big dentist bill,
and the dogs don’t like me.
Thank goodness it only hap-

Pens once a year, and not
every month,

— Shannon Humphreys is
a West Vancouver resident,

The North Shore News reg-
ularly allocates space for read-
er input on a wide range of
community issues tn the form
of quest colunims.

Ifyou have a column
please send it c/o The Editor,
North Shore News, 1139
Lonsdale Ave., North
Vancouver, V7M 2414 or via
e-mail to trenshaw@direct.ca.
Submissions must be typewrit-
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words,

Wednesday, November 5, 1997 — North Shore News — 27

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