Doug Collins

® get this straight @

EVERY YEAR at year’s end our TV networks treat us to
the most dusty program of the annum. For it is then that
‘the Knowlton Nashes and the Choe Schlesingers and the
Mike Puffys bore us to tears by chewing over what happen-
-ed in the previous 12 months. (Or used to. For some time
now I have not been watching that stuff. Besides, if | am in

urgent need of sleep I can always take a pill.)

The best items are not ia be
found in politics. The world over,
important matters are in train that
attract only the briefest mention.
So | feel it is my duty to bring
them to your attention, the big
media having failed to do so.

'

CHRIST IS NOW..IN -THE
WORLD. Inexplicably, the media
have not exploited this interesting
item. Are all the editors asleep?
It’s yours, boys, (Or more likely
girls, things being what they are.)

Near Saskatoon, a man. was

STL EC
“‘As a child, it was my impression that
Wales was one big church.... I must have
been wrong about that because it is
reported from Newport in that principality
that two women opened a brothel there,
using government grants.’’
ee or

Were you aware, for instance,
that the delectable Fawn Hall,
Girl Friday. to Col. Ollie North,
the Hero of the Year, refused to
stop eating a banana in a
Washington subway station when
called upon to do so by a transit

‘officer? ..

It is iNegal on pain of a$10 fine
_to eat in railway stations controll-
ed by the transit authority for
which the said officer toils, but
this did not seem to impress Ms;
Hall,

Alas, we are not privy to what
he said to her, or she to him. Nor
is there any record of a fund hav-
ing been raised to pay the fine.
Perhaps trey let her off? It would

i be acrusty judge indeed who add-
i ed to such a damsel’s distress.

In Vancouver, an advertisement

placed in the newspapers by Tara

i Canada assures us that the world

i has had enough of hunger, in-

justice, and war, and that THE

charged with causing a distur-
bance after he was found jogging
in the raw in a temperature of
minus 5 degrees. The jogger in-
formed the humorless cops that he
was trying to free himself and his
family from devils.

I am happy to report that some
religious groups took time off
from considering free trade and
other holy causes to spring to the
aid of the naked. Also, the case
was to be considered under the
Charter of Rights and Freedoms.
Unfortunately, I am unable to

. provide intelligence us to how the

case is proceeding.

Asachild, it was my impression
that Wales was one big church,
with miners praising God in the
local chapel. | must have been
wrong about that because it is
renorted from Newport in that
principality that two - women
opened a brothel there, using
government grants.

FINANCIAL PROBLEMS???

: “Aoquatn nt yourself with othe allematives in contdence,
for our free information booklet today

‘Follow-up interview
EVANCIC de

BRAULT ROB

without obli
ON LTD.

IN BANKRUPTCY

om(eoay 29

(Just across the

91-9151

idge across trom Brentwood Mall
heed Hwy.)

at Willingdon Ave. & Loug!

In the UK again, Ben the
Doberman was allowed to stay at
Fred and Pauline Lormors’ pub
even though he had eaten
household goods and furniture
worth $5,560.

In his nine months with the
Lormors, Ben had wolfed down
not only his regular meals of meat
and dog biscuits, but also a sheep-
skin rug, a TV remote-control
unit, carrings, three live chickens,
various bits of wall-to-wall
carpeting, a settee and a door.

The Lormors tried putting a
muzzle on Ben, but he ate that,
too.

“He's a wonderful dog,’ said
Mrs. Lormor. ‘‘We'd never get
rid of him. Ben’s here to stay."*

In Sweden, there was a court
case over custody of a cat. Which
would not be an item except that
the cat was dead. The cat's name
was Astor, in case you think | am
making this up.

In Toronto, Franco Brun, aged
22, died after trying to swallow an
874-page pocket Bible. Cause of
death was officially listed as
asphyxiation, and a lawyer stated
that Mr. Brun was trying to purge
himself of the Devil by consuming
religion.

In B.C, a chap keeps writing to
me to tell me that Adolf ‘Hitler
was not a German but an
Australian. Of course.: A well-
known digger, was Adolf. Wore
one of those fancy hats, too.

As an cight-year-old, | too used
to confuse Australia with Austria,
and could never decide which was
which. Finally, | met Adolf’s boys
and they straightened me out.
Hence the title of this column.

Then there's the fellow who
writes to tell me that Canada is
controlled by British Intetligence,
which is also the main force
behind Communism and the
Ayatollah.

More big news items of this sort

Next year at this time.

(

9 - Sundas, January 3, 198% - North Shore News

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