QUESTION: I dearly love
_my husband and want to be
married to him and give him

everything in me as. good.

help-mate, lover and com-
panion. He knows that and I
knew he wants to be the
same with me. We are true to
each other in a delightful
relationship. However there
is one matter in which we
strongly di disagree and I think

unfair and

It boils down to this: I want

him to agree that I have the

right to sleep with other men
if I want to. I have made it
clear to him that I DON’T
want to, but that I should
have the freedom to do it. I
can umderstand him not

being happy about it if I did
it, but I am incensed at his

saying, “I simply will not

allow it?’
There should be nothing in
a good marriage about which
one of the partners says, “I
will not allow it’’. Who is he
to lay down a rule on me? I
am a free person and have

QUESTION: I’m ten. My
mother and father are going
to separate next month. They

say Tam ald enough ta decide

wee Sm.

- whether I want to live with.
_my mother or with my father.
They want me to tell them
who I want to be with. My
first choice is to be with both
of them, but that’s as far as I
can get.

I just can’t ‘understand -

why they want to separate at
all. If' one of them was
kicking the other ome out I
think I could choose, but they
seem happy and friendly and
agreeable. It’s just like
between them they’ve had a

bright new idea.and both of —

them like it. Sometimes I
think both of them want me
and sometimes I don’t think
neither of them want me.
. Would it be best to go with
my mother or father? Why do

I have to choose? Their the -

ones who thought of this
whole thing. I don’t want to
leave my mother or my dad.

How can I choose? They
. both like our preacher & I
said why don’t you talk with
him and ask him what’s right
but they don’t want him to

know til it’s all done they

snid. I don’t think they
should quit being married.
Do you think they’re just
talking? I wish you could
help them not quit. Do you
think you could? What will I
do?

Pride after breakup

QUESTION: No question, I
just want to tell you
something. I broke off with
my boyfriend -a couple of
months ago and = almost
immediately I got hooked on
another fellow. Now the
catch ts that I didn’t have a
good reason for leaving #1. I
see now that I left him
because I didn’t want to try

_ to work things out with him,
AND because I wanted him
to squirm a bit and wake up
that he couldn't just take me
for granted. The guy | went
to was a poor second.

He was In a different
league. I wanted to get out of

the right to make my own.
_ decisions. I feel sure you will

agree with me and hepe you

will make yourself clear soa I

can show him your reply and
talk things over.

STEWART: ‘‘I won’t allow
it”? bothers me too, but I
suspect you are playing
games with words. What he

‘probably means is, ‘‘I can’t

go along with the idea, it is
something I just can’t agree
to and be honest’’.

You ask, ‘‘Who is he to lay
down a rule on me?’’ And I
ask:
down a rule on him?’’ You
are saying in effect, Now
hear this expectation I have.
You will be expected to give

me complete freedom to .

play around. I have the right
to that freedom’’
me like you are demanding
your freedom but withhold-
ing his. You are trying to
withold a choice from him.
You keep saying, ‘‘Ihave a
right’’, and yet you insist you
be GIVEN that right. Make
up your. mind. Your freedom

STEWART: First of ail, be
sure they See your letter. Ask
them to go-over it with you

-and help. you find some

nswers to your questions.
Be sure they know how you

Freelance Counsellor Hayden
Stewart does private counsel-
ling as woll as a great deal of

group work. He can be
contacted at 261-6242 for
information and appointments.
Letters are always welcome.
Mall them to HAYDEN
STEWART, c/o the North
Shore Nows, #202-1139 Lons-
dale, North Van.

AUNUTAUAALANURONEDGUOHAONUADOADOROCHOOTONIEL

there real quick but my pride
made me stick with him for a
long time after I wanted to
split. I didn’t want anyone to
think I was giving in and
running back to #1, but that’s
where I wanted to be I should
never have left #1 for the
reasons I did. A girl ought to
have good reasons for
splitting and I didn’t. So I ran
to another guy, pretending
that I was OK, and that the
#1 guy was not good enough.
That was stupid.

STEWART: It sounds
you did some learning
some growing up. Do
feel that way?

like
and
you

‘‘Who are YOU to lay.

are even free to demand that

. It smelis to |

“can take over..Do you want.
love or do you want to win an

-idea ofthem separating and
‘you choosing Which one to be

HANNOnanaTRENONENONEUNRENEOUNEETR

__ know, clearly. Let them know.

together and want to get help

that makes them want to be

separate, then it will not be —

hard for you. Don’t bother

of od

page > 13, February 16, 1977 - North Shore News

is not freedom’ if it depends
on someone else being nicely —

agreeable to it. You already
HAVE the | freedom nei vot

wr SON ERA aerice ye

you are getting awfully close
to a serious deteriorization of
loving and beautiful rela-
tionship by insisting. that |
your husband give up his —
freedom and knuckle down
about a theory you have. |
You're already free to play
around without his ‘“permis-
sion’’. You are also free to
pick up the piéces and start a
whole new life when he says
to you (at last) ‘‘I give you
your freedom — now run
aiong. it could have been

ws wwe

great!’’ You are free. You

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le culottier — the new
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somebody ‘‘agree’’ to your
being free. Our freedom
however does not aliow us to
dictate the results of our USE
of freedom or our demands
for it. That’s where your love

if you’re looking for jeans

} é we’ve got ’em all
argument over a pet hair-
splitting theory about | a

freedom? ° Big Blue °Wra

ngler
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fe el about everything. That’s —
iniportant. If you hate the

with, be sure they under-
stand very clearly exactly
how yéu feel. It’s always a
good idea to let- your mom
and dad understand exactly
how you feel. You see, they,
‘by giving you the choice of
who to be with, may be
showing you that they just
don’t know how you feel © :
about them. So let them ot.

North Vancouver.

you love them both and don’t
want to be without either of
them. Let them know you are
LONGING for them to. stay

in overcoming whatever it is

apart.

If they say they don’t want
to do that, let them know how
upset you are over their
decision. I think that’s the
kind of thing I’d like to see
you try. If they STILL want to

the end of the world by any
means, even if it may be very

thinking about that just for
now. Pay attention NOW to
making sure they know:
exactly how you feel about
them both and about their
plan. You love them both. Be
sure they know it.

And be sure they know
that even if they make a
decision that is hard for you,
there will still be the same
love for each of them. Can
you do that? Give them a
chance to take a little more
time in thinking things out.
Then, later, if you want to
write again, 1 would love to
hear from you. Hang i in there

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