AG Wednesday, Mirch M0, Foxe North Share News

- LIFESTYLES

MATERIAL REWARDS SLAMMED
Prudence is still the wise way

Q. RECENTLY YOU gave advice to a woman who said she

objected to being touched by
a dinner or even a drink.

Iam 2 loyal Dr. Ruth reader,
and it is not very often that [ think
you have missed the bout, but 1
think you did this time.

This woman is putting a dollar
value on her favors, and her pro-
blems stem from this basically
wrong atfitude. You should al least
have commented on this aspect of
her problem, because it might have
helped her,

A. Thank you very much for the
compliment, and the criticism is a
thoughtful one. There is no doubt
that some women expect to be
rewarded materially for letting a
man have sex.

But if that was that woman's
problem, I missed the point. It
scemed to me she was complaining
about men who touch her without
permission and expect sex without
displaying any personal interest in
her, and without even making the
conventional gesture of buying her
a drink or a hamburger.

These. were men who acted as if
women should provide sex for a
little money spent, and who didn’t
even spend the moncy. To say

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a puy who had not bought her

nothing of not spending time with
her, or offering some pleasant talk
of companionship, These were
guys who offered nothing,

Please, nobody take the above
to mean that Dr. Ruth says sex-
exchange bars are in again and the
sexually transmitted disease danger
is over with, or that if a guy buys a
wine spritzer for you he's OK.
One-night-standing is still danger-
ous, Bad sex, AIDS and other sex-
ually transmitted diseases still
threaten us, and your own feeling
for a person is best based on
longer acquaintance. Prudence and
caution are still the wise way. | am
most scrious about this — so much
so that I have written a pamphici
called Dr. Ruth’s Guide to Safer
Sex. To get a copy, send $1 and a
self-addressed, stamped, legal-size
envelope to Dr. Ruth/Safer Sex,
P.O. Box 19709, Irvine, Calif.
92713-9709,

Q. Ehave been having sex with a
guy I really like but who is very
old-fashioned about sex. When [
tried to talk to him about it he
seemed very controlled but of-

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fended, When [ said a litte more
attention to simple things might
have given me a climaa, he said, “1
dida’t know you were supposed to
have a climax.’ That was all he

Dr. Ruth
Dr. Ruth Westheimer

had to say on the subject, which
was then closed. The trouble is, F
am kind of hooked on him.

A. Show your devotion by sen-

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ding him a good book about ses
and lovemaking. By mail, with a
note saving that he is an attractive
man but there is a tot he doesn't
seem to know about sex between
men and women. The nest time he
phones, be out ~— looking for a
more considerate lover. Who
doesn't have to be perfect but
should be willing at least to talk.
Or hear what you are saying.

In 1988, it is a rare male who
hasn't heard about female
orgasms, and you have a real pro-
blem with one who isn’t even in-
terested when he learns about
them!

If you were in my office, 1
would ask you some questions
about how you brought up the
subject with this attractive but un-
communicative fellow. There are
ways of approaching a partner
about improving shared sex, The
same guy who is deeply offended
by being told his lovemaking was a
big zero -— particularly right
afterward, or too soon afterward
— can be a reasonable listener at
another time, when coffee and
friendly frankness are in season.
And nobody, man or woman,
reacts reasonably to bitter com-
plaining or accusations.

Q. | had a girlfriend foc 18
months but we broke up a year ago
because things got too routine. As
time passed E have come to cealize
that I still love her and want her
again. T have fet her know how f
feel, but she says if only makes her
sud when | remind her of the past
and now she prefers to go out with
other guys.

A, There is nothing you can do,
since you have made the attempt to
get back together. [f you had not
spoken or written to her saying
you would like to be with her again
and that you still love her, if you
had not taken the risk of rejection,
I would advise you to do so. But
since you have, there is little to do
about this except to keep fond
memories of her and let time pass.

And don't turn down some nice
woman because your old flame is
always on your mind. There is a
natural period of mourning for a
lost love. Let it happen. But set a
limit to it. You have a life to live.
Let yourself be friends with other
women, Something very nice can
still grow between you and another
woman, It often happens that after
a later love has come along a man
will say, ‘‘This is the happiest [
have ever been with anyone.”

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