36 - Sunday, July 24, 1988 - North Shore News

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DEAR MISS MANNERS —
Before I was born, my
parents became disen-
chanted with the rigidity of
society. They decided to br-
ing me up ‘‘naturally,’’
without the. constrictions of
their own childhoods, and
they withdrew from all but a
very few of their friends.

I certainly had a happy, though
somewhat lonely, childhood, but
now I’m beginning to see that
social skills — knowing how to
dance, knowing how to dress ap-
propriately for different occasions,
and general poise — are as impor-

tant as calculus and Moliere. They .

help ‘one to live peacefully in a
community and to express one’s
ideas.

Perhaps some iucky' people
don’t need to be cocched in eti-
quette, but I am awkward and
self-conscious. 1 feel. uncomfort-
able when I don’t know how to
respond to many everyday situa-
tions.

Now that I am away ‘from home

— I am in my last year ata large
boarding school — I can no longer
hold my parents responsible for
my behavior. 1 realize one can’t
buy good manners, but is there any
way I can help myself to gain poise
and self-confidence in my dealings
with others, both formal and in-
formal?
. GENTLE READER . Miss
Manners commends your generous
understanding of your parents’
kindly motivations and your rec-
ognition of your own responsibility
for your present behavior, as much
as she does your sophisticated in-
sight into the way life actually
works.

She dearly wishes she could
come up with a few quick rules
that would see you’ through
everything. People are always ask-
ing her to ‘‘boil down’’ etiquette to
one or two pithy commands, as if

Free

yo OO

ever

one could ask the chief justice of
the United States (point of eti-
quette — he is not called chief
justice of the Supreme Court) to
boil down American law to some-
thing law students could learn dur-
ing a television commercial.

There are many forms of man-
ners 70 be learned, which is why
thorough child-rearing takes as
long as it does. And even beyond
the forms, one needs practice to
acquire the judgment to know how
they apply in different contexts. If
Miss Manners could indeed com-
press it all, she would have written
two bumper stickers and a T-shirt.
instead of all those volumes and
columns.. ,

She is, however, confident,
because of the interest and alert-
ness you show, that you will be
able to compress the time neces-
sary to. master it. That may be
done by reading, not only etiquette
books but novels and plays where
you can see the symbolism of
social behavior and how different

ways of doing things affect pzople,.

and by observing the good and bad
examples you will find all around
you.

Miss Manners is pleased that she
can immediately give you reasons
for assuming the poise and self-
confidence you desire.

One is that many of your
generation suffer from the same
handicap of their parents’ well-
meaning naivete, so that your in-

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LIFESTYLES

too late to
vital social sit

terest in pleasing people will have
an immediate dramatic effect, in
contrast to the flounderings of
others.

Another is that practically
everyone is preoccupied by his or
her own behavior, judging that of

miss
Manners
Judith Martin

others only as it affects the self.
Focusing your interest on other
people, while you temper your
behavior according to how you
wish them to judge you, will
quickly get you a reputation for

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charm, even before you have ac-
quired the specific manners to go
with it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS —
Would you comment, please, on
the appropriateness of people in-
quiring if one has plans for a
specific time, before stating what
they have in mind for you to do
during that time?

At least three times recently, I
have been put on the spot with
“What are you going to be doing
on Friday?” (a request for my help
on a2 fund-raising project), “What
are you doing tomorrow?” (a re-
quest for a ride to a nearby com-
munity without an explanation cf
why the ride was needed), and
“Are you going to be doing
anything tomorrow afternoon?” (a
request for me to baby-sit).

I am willing to be of service to
others whenever possible, but I
don’t like to be manoeuvred into a
position where I can’t refuse
without looking like a selfish clod.

See Learn
Page 37

Contact Robyn Inman ~

688- 8330

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