beck piplataplier forces ;
isan awfel thing to do. 1°’
mean ‘where has our sense of.
propriety gone? Do you.

think a 10. year old boy

STEWART: “There is “really.

no -blanket answeér.to your
question. ; (Woops! ‘I didn’t
mean that to be funny.) -
Perhaps I should say there is
no general: answer that fits
all family reunions. So much
depends on the two people
you are focussing on.

I could imagine one or the.

other of them, or even both
of them ‘being terribly upset
by the arrangement. On the
other hand there is quite a

ee

Freelance ‘Counsellor ‘Hayden Stewart may ‘be poached’ at ‘261-624
for appointments for individual, family or group counselling.

° - office in the International Plaza Hotel (Open Tuesdays only) is for the

ee convenience of North Shore residents.

or "frightened at all, ‘amply | .
“Seeing the set-up as an ~

_ appropriate. arrangement,
‘that. fits into the total

‘<number. ‘of: beds _available, -

ete. : ne _ oT *

‘There “is the. added

“possibility that those who are .

“mot one of the potential bed-
‘mates, might be

that. might
develop. It seems to me that
“with the number who are
involved in the reunion,
some other plan with fewer
possibilities of unhappiness
“might be arrived at.

‘Skirt gets

the —
initiators of . any - awk--..
+ wardness

praise. I suppose most of us.
deserve it too. But in my
case, not only do I want.it,.
need it, and deserve it, but, -

Sudden thetebe: ‘Perhaps

_ you are the 19 year old! If..
you are, and if you feel

uncomfortable about the
plan, I would hope you

would make your feelings -

known and request. some

shuffling around that would.

be more appropriate. -.

If- you are NOT the fair

maiden, but feel that several —

of your crowd would be
upset by the plan, why not
suggest a new deal? If you
think you are the ONLY one
that feels like you do, keep

_your- mouth shut and “go™
along”. OK?

splits closed so no one knows |

she's got one! She's always

fussing at. holding the skirt

closed. What's with her?

T) think with her- always
working away at holding ber

skirt so it can’t - flash.
anything, she really attracts

more attention than. the

would if she'd just let it go.
Why would she buy the
, things in the first piace if
she’s so dar fYussy and
proper?
STEWART: You say she
attracts more attention by
keeping the- split. from

possibility ‘that. neither of showing. Perhaps she knows

_ them would be embarrassed

that too!

Having to control is
messing up his life

QUESTION: I céatribute to
spoiling a lot of relationships
because of my apparent
meed to be “in control.” I
can’t stand mot being in
control, I used to think I
meeded to be in control of
MYSELF, bat I om
beginning to sce that I also
want to be is control of other

This has messed things up
for me at home, in my family
and also at work and in my
social and recreational life. I
am only now begtaning to
sec what is happening and
I'd like some advice on how
to deal whh ht. Why do I
have this need to be in
control?

STEWART: There is no
NEED for you to be in
control. What bothers you is
your DESIRE to be in
control and there’s a whale
of a difference. Thinking
you have a NEED makes it
more difficult for you to
handle it. When you come to

see that you only WANT to
be in control, then you can
accept that want as a part of
your reality. Once you
ACCEPT your reality, you
are in a position to change.

Once you admit to your
scary desire to be in charge,
and see that it is really
resulting in unwelcome
outcomes in your
relationships, then you can
make new choices. 1 think
one of the most useful in-
sights for you will come to
you when you sce even more
clearly that wanting to be in
control works AGAINST
what you want for yourself.
Seeing that, you may then
choose a different route.

Wanting to control works
against you, and you admit
to that as one of your facts.
That puts you in @ position to
make a better choice that
will be more rewarding for
you. Do you have anything
agains( giving yourself that
enjoyable reward?

RATE OF 1H

work,

oe CECE OTIVE OT
AND SUBUECT TO CHANGE AiPHGT MOTECE

amount of good . honest

also, I am not getting it. At

least 1 am ‘not getting it to:

_ the degree I want it:

steady solid job’ ts to be
expected from me and they
are getting it, so what? ”.

- “How cai I'get my “family
cand my co-workers to see
‘that praise is like a

the arm? How can I get- it
across to them that I NEED
more support than I am
getting? ;

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ayy

them to Praise you.

“shot in..

any way you can do that. I
. mean there. is no way I know

of by which you. can | n.teach

“In fact, even’ ie. you dig

teach - ‘them " that - - skill;

would “not -be- ‘particularly
rewarding: to you because
. any. praise you. received

Te regard: to. my. family, :
-althougt F-know: itis: Mot.
_trae, IF FEEL ‘as if I am just:
being. taken for granted. At
‘although: ‘T have made. .

‘a pretty good- ‘in-put of ideas
and initiative and: ‘ability,.no
‘wone- seems: to. give a. ‘darn.
They just act as though a .

would: make you wonder. if it

were real or if your praisers
had. just learned ‘your lesson.
well..and :were. doing what
you “had - taught
‘regardless of how they
. ‘truthfully féelabout you. oor

“I have two suggestions for
your consideration, both of
which have to do with YOU _

rather than your family or

co-workers.

First off, in view of the

fact ‘that you want more
“praise circulating amongst _

human beings, be sure you
are one who is doing your.
part in bringing

Situation about.

Bank of British Columbia

CnnadesDotes Benh

1457 Lonsdale Avenue, North Vancouver,

them,:

’ that:

° “BE the change you want to
see happen by warming up
your own “praise-giving.

‘machinery. This’ calls: for ~
. - Some: real - honesty on” “your

. part: ‘Do you give praise. and
support to your wife. ‘and

“kids? “Are you one to give.
‘sincere’ credit to your co.
workers for their. achieve: .

ments‘ or efforts? Try that.”

.. Secondly, accept as one of .
“your facts, that you. are. not:

getting the praise you ‘would
like ‘to have, and. probably
will not.. So don’t have ANY

expectations of praise and.
support. You: may WANT it, .
but don’t EXPECT it. Then.
what. little support you set:

will be so much gravy!

“Coupled with this idea. ‘is
the suggestion that_you take.

up the slack by learning to

give YOURSELF ‘some
honest praise. For anything
in yourself. you . consider

praiseworthy, give yourself —
some friendly pats on the |

back. You are your own best
friend, ‘so act like it.

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