20 — Wednesday, January 15, 1997 — North Shore News Millionaire invests in condom for the clumsy By John Moore Contributing Writer AT last! Help for thet most silent of. majori- ‘ties; the “latex chal- lenged.” ’ Monaco-based British -millionaire Keith Jones is. ~ spending some of his consid- _ erable dosh on research and ’ development of a “fumble- free condom,” something, he says, “that. you could» not put on fhe wre wrong way, even’ latex incompetence of these poor benighted which assures their contin- ued contribution to the dysfunctional human gene pool. Anything Jones can do to discourage such bozos from breeding deserves a UNESCO award for service to mazkind. And womankind, of course. For where is the woman who has not, at the moment of passion’s perfection, experi- enced Prince . Charming’s transfor- mation into a bungling Homer Simpson muttering, “Could you roll over just a bit? ... Okay, got it. iN on right.” Jones aims to create a condom “you could slip on without losing cye-contact ‘with your partner”: a virtual miracle for those of us who know how hard it is to main- .- tain eye-contact when she’s “in the bedroom panting by candle-giow and yoi you're in m where there’s “, enough flourescent light to - the Family ing : . Association (FPA) cadorses “Tones efforts because many sen apparently complain that they don’t use condoms: because they are “too short” or too'smiall.”. (Pause;-to allow hoots of derision from the distaff. a Rec By Services are Finally Here . Sorry, I think ne ve put on 2 bit of the wrap- on Okay, I think I've gor. seats to subside.) The FPA suggests this “We can only speculate luridly about what hideously embarrassing incident in Keith Jones’ romantic past could drive a self-made millionaire to devote his wealth to finding a cure for ‘condom klutziness’.” misapprehension exists because specifically “roman- tic” circumstances Cause a male who can fix the timing- chain on a Porsche in min- utes to become mysteriously incapable of performing an act which requires the same degree of manual dexterity as putting on a sock. We can only speculate luridly about what hideously embarrassing incident in Keith Jones’ romantic past could drive a self-made mil- fionaire to devote his wealth to finding a cure for “con- dom klutziness.” peer must be onc, use evel rson, every couple, who es ever used condoms has at i¢%st one such hilarious and humiliat- ing tale. Like fishing stories, most of them involve “the one that got away” — only to turn up later, in the laun- dry to Mom’s horrified exclamations or stuck to the back of a skirt or the heel of a shoe as you made a grand entrance to the prom; or really did get away and caused you, one way or another, to get a crash course in gynecology and pos- sibly obstetrics. pos These stories can be as poignantly swect as they are funny, like che case of the reluctant Dad I know who started out merely bragging, that his “sperm was LEASE NOW ALL MAKES NEW & USED 1151 Marine Drive:. North Vancouver Tel: 985-0694 is NOW OPEN! More Recyciabies Accepted for Drop-off stronger than latex” and now worships his accidental daughter while eagerly expecting their second child. Condoms themselves have been funny for 20 years, since they started coming in colours, {to coordinate with Sce Building page 30 Taoist lai Chi Tat CHI FOR BETTER HEALTH © OU MaY KNOw that Taoist Tai Chi is relaxing, but did you know that it ca. oring your heart rate up to aerobic levels? This art uses techniques ~ - developed by generations of Taoist monks and sages for loosening the spine, realigning the posture, << improving circulation and strengthening muscles « and joints throughout che body. The result is 2 Where to. Find complete. way, to, heal The North Shore Recycliag Program is proud to announce that North & West ' Vancouver residents can now drop-off & recycle more items at the new North Shore Recycling Drop-off Depot. This new, staffed facility will allow you _ to drop-off more items than are accepted i in the Blue Box & Apartment Recycling Program. On-site staff can also help you to identify _what materials are acceptable and how to do your part and put your garbage can ona diet. More of your househ«-id items can be recycled at the new Recycling Drop-off Depot such as: ¢ Magazines © Rigid Plastic Bottles & Tubs * Cardboard ¢ junk Mail ¢ Scrap Metals & more! CORRUGATED CARDBOARD! Please note that not all household items are recyclable - call the Recycling Program for more information at 984-9730. The North Shore. - Recycling Depot is _ open from 8am-5pm Monday-Thursday, & from 8am-6pm - Friday-Sunday. You'll find it at the south foot of Riverside Drive in North Vancouver across . from the North Shore Transfer Station, just east of the 2nd Narrows Bridge. For more information call the North Shore Recycling Program at 984-9736. IMPORTANT: Please note ‘hat the Blue Box and Apartment Recycling Programs have NOT yet changed and do NOT presently accept assorted plastics or mixed ; paper. Stay tuned for an improved Recycling Collection program later this summer. - The Recycling Drop-off Depot & the NSRP are funded by the City & District of North Vancouver, & the District of West Vancouver.