ARO 38 - Wednesday, August 24, 1988 - North Shore News LIFESTYLES SEX OVER 60 al Q. I am 63. My wife and I still have intercourse, but fre- quently I do not reach my climax. Are there any vitamins I can take for this? Or something that I can do? A. Almost everyone has seen ads for vitamins implying that cer- tain of these products are ‘‘high potency” and will impart sexual power to those who swallow them. And there have been published ar- ticles and books, by pretty much self-appointed experts on vitamins, or professionals who are going beyond responsible behavior, stating that certain +itamins im- prove sexual ability and perfor- mance. I know nothing about this and can recommend no vitamin, drug or magic potion to improve anyone’s sex life. Are there any real aphrodisiacs? Some people believe in oysters or carrots or vitamin capsules, and their faith in them gives them con- fidence and works with the magic of fantasy and positive thinking. Some drugs seem to have aphrodisiac effect in some cases, but this is something to consult a doctor about. I personally cannot prescribe drugs and, in fact, know of no aphrodisiac that does not work through the mind rather than the bloodstream. At 63, you should feel self-con- fident enough to go to a physician — a medical doctor, which I am not — and describe your problem and seek treatment for it. I don’t say that a doctor will necessarily have a drug or treatment for your sexual problem, but it may be connected with an illness or effect of aging that should be attended to. Our sexuality continues as long as we five. And in nearly every case, where there is desire for sex- ual enjoyment, the couple can be helped. In advanced age there can still be sexual pleasure. It will not be the same as it was in the prime of life, but it can still be enjoyable. A talk with a sex therapist will probably inform you of a variety of reasonable ways to have that enjoyment. It is wonderful when the older couple has a fairly wide repertory of sexual activities, can communicate with each other about their shared sex, and perhaps take turns bringing each other to satisfaction instead of try- ing to imitate those sure-fire lovers in the movies and soaps. Q. We have been having sex in various ways, including inter- course, for well over a year without his ever having had an ejaculation, The funny thing about this is that it seems to be bothering me more than it bothers him. We sometimes continue sex for three or four hours, which seems unusual from what other women tell me. We don’t always have sex at my house, but the first time we did and my mother walked in while we were having it. Could that be the reason he is afraid to eliinax? A. I don’t think so because other men who have the same pro- blem of retarded ejaculation have not had this disturbing experience. Something else is holding them back from full participation in shared sex. We can only speculate about what is inhibiting them. Is it that the man is afraid of impregnating the woman? Or is he afraid of surrendering entirely to sharing with her, having some no- tion that this will put him too much in her power? Of course, the reason he can continue so long is that he does not reach sexual release but goes on and on in his preorgasmic stage. When | hear about this as a problern it-*is- usually. from “the woman wanting the man to reach orgasm. Without his having that overwhelming experience, she may feel that she is not exciting him enough, not pleasing him, or that he doesn’t love her. She may just think that he has a sexual difficul- ty. Possibly she wonders if the two of them will ever be able to have children. Some men are able to continue participating in intercourse in- definitely, without ejaculating, and can in the end climax when they want to. Since many men are known to worry about climaxing too soon to please the woman, these long-lasting men are likely to be very proud of their ability — although in fact the woman hardly ever enjoys intercourse beyond a certain period of time. You may be sharing sex with a man who is de- liberately doing that, or your boyfriend really may be unable to conclude in the way that most men want to. It is interesting that you say nothing about the quality of your own sexual experience with this boyfriend. Is it enjoyable in every way except that you would like him to climax? Or does intercourse become uncomfortable for you? Do you wish he would conclude long before he does? Like many sexually perplexed women, you secm to want to con- tinue this relationship, keeping your lover, although the shared sex is imperfect. This is true of many men and women. Sex therapists may be the professionals most Dr. Ruth Ruth Westheimer aware of this kind of attachment, which continues although sex is not as satisfying as the couple wants it to be. It is with couples who feel this attachment to each other that we can work best to help make improvements. This sexual difficulty is describ- ed in my book, ‘‘Dr Ruth’s Guide for Married Lovers,”’ along with the method sex therapists usually recommend to correct it. You ought to get hold of a copy and read this section at least. But | rather think that some sessions with a sex therapist would be more productive than taking a do-it- yourselves approach. The condi- tion is more persistent in most cases than the rather easily over- come problem of premature ejaculation. The term ‘‘retarded ejaculation” miay be confusing because it seems to most people that the ejaculation is not retarded, or delayed, but re- ally never happens. But in most cases it does take place some time afterwards, when the man is alone and can stimulate himself to orgasm. This parallels the condi- tion of the woman who can reach orgasm by herself but not during shared sex. Q: When I have sex with my girlfriend I always orgasm, but I can’t tell when she does. A: You can’t tell unless she tells you that she does — and then you have to trust her about it. One day when you are out for a walk, ask her if she has orgasms. But don’t ask her in bed — don't be one of those irritating guys who keeps asking during the act. You have one advantage here ~— you know, at least, that she is not faking them! GRAND OPENING Athenian Gardens Restaurant Satarday 27 August 1988 Come enjoy with us an unforgettable cvening. Belly dancing and more. Phone for reservations 38O0-8887 2924 Lousdale Ave., N. 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Size 16x12x6" $4495 REG. $19.95 Choose from a wide variety of man-made and leather cases ray be connected iness or effect of agin Some women vocalize or other- wise dramatize what is really hap- pening, but just because your girlfriend doesn’t do that, it doesn’t mean she’s not reaching her own climax. Some women think they will disappoint the man unless they put On quite an act even though they have not had an orgasm. Others reach orgasm but keep it to uiemselves, so to speak. Though you may suspect that she is not getting all she might out of sex with you, you could be mis- taken. At a certain stage, lots of women really like this intimacy without having any orgasm. They really like being with the guy and ‘they do have feelings that they like although they are sub-orgasmic. You might say sometime that you want to please her and that if there is anything you can do for her that she would like she should teli you. 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