Demon Doug’s gift guide

Doug
Collins

sf rs

ON THE OTHER HA

CHRISTMAS IS always a
-desperate time for me, For
one thing the pressure is on
to be nice, than which there
is nothing worse, this coun-
try already being stuffed
‘with world-savers and pious
parsons, with and without
collars.

For another, I never know what
to buy. I'm tike the chap who
phoned recently to say that in 40
years he had never bought anything
for his wife that she really wanted.
Could | help?

T knew what he meant. Many
years ago | bought Grey Eyes a
nightie. ft looked great in the store.
Full of frills and frolics, But when
she put it on she looked like Queen

’ Elizabeth [ in full dress. And every
time she moved in bed the thing
rusued.

It disappeared.

This year [ have kept the old
peepers open for things that are dif-
ferent. Havei't actually bought
anything, though. That's because
I’m a deadline man, which comes
from having been a media hack for
so long.

The most interesting item was a
stocking stuffer in the form of a
paper toilet-seat cover. (For your
protection.)

It’s put out by SONIC Ventures
in Richmond, and when you spread

KEN BAXTER

LAWYER
24 Years
Experience

it out there are two pictures of Jean
Chretien, One where the left cheek
goes and one for the right.

Not that Sonie is biased. You
can get the same thing with Kin
Campbell. Lucien Bouchard,
Preston Manning, Audrey
Mclaughlin, Brian Mulroney and
Mike Harcourt, Only $2.90.

They say itis good for Hanging
or Flushing, and is a cesponse to the
question “Where is this country
going to, ultimately?”

Peering further into the difficult
thickets that for me constitute
Christmas shopping { see other fas-
cinating wares,

Here's « book called Dancing
with Lawyers, by a bloke called
Nicholas Carroll.

Haven't read it so can’t recom-
mend it, But inthe Globe & Mail it
was described as witty and irrever-
ent. T suspect. however, that the
Globe's sense of humor may be
different from mine, which is
warped,

Anyway, I have no desire to
dance with lawyers. | know a cou-
ple of good ones, but I'm damned if
1 want to dance with them. ["m not
that kind of fellow. Ask Stan
Persky.

I know. There are fem lawyers
these days. But they wouldn't want
to dance with ME.

* Moving right along we sce a
mysterious ad for something called
“Sex In The 90s”,

“Today.” it bubbles, “people are
interested in improving the quality
of their lives and exploring their
own sensuality with options from
the RUBY FRUIT EROTICA col-
lection.” .

It goes on to say that RE is a
mail order service operated by
women for women and their part-
ners.

“We want you to be satisfied,” it
says in bold type. Only $4.

No thanks. There's no satisfying
ME, 1] gave out long ago.

Besides. is sex in the “90s any
different from sex in the ’80s, or Cor
that matter in Julius Cuesar’s
Rome?

Then there's “Clothing for
Seniors and those with Special
Needs.” But what are the special
needs? Ehope [never find out.

How about “Earn up to
$250,000 a year” from YOU Inc.

NORTH VANCOUVER

988-6321

“Na capital needed,” it says, But
ithink (Il pass. UT hid $250,000 a
year id probably become a sot and
then 1 wouldn’t even have $2.50 a
your,

You can buy wreaths, too,
“Nova Scotia's Finest!" Only
$29.95,

They're supposed to be
Canadian Christnias Wreaths, of
course, but Pin not eager for
wreaths of any kind, Not just yet.

“Cellular Phone Users Need
Protection,” is another headline in
the Christmas list. ft seems there's
di erywhere un account of

Again, thanks but ao thanks. [t's
not cellular phone users who need
protection, [t's ine.

One of those damned users near-
ly crashed into me the other day,

Babbing into his car phone like

crazy.

Besides, I'm not quite sure what
UHF radiation is. It might even be
good for sex in the “90s.

Want to give a cat a laugh? You
can. Dick Shapiro’s amazing Video
Catnip is a 25-minute video created
just for cots. Only $19.95,

What | am really looking for is
something for myself. Like a bullet-
proof vest. But there were no ads
for those. Got one to spare?

H Toys, Hobbies, Trains
Christmas Hours
Open tll 9pm

Doc. 16, 17, 20, 21, 22 & 24rd.
Boxing Day 12 to Spm

} AMBLESIDE
{TOYS ’N HOBBIES

1425 Martine Dr, West Van, 922-351
OF KET : me

Aalrot quality and style
V7A0E MARINE DR, WOVAN. 920-7710

Read the
RECORD REVIEW,

AIDTE

51 LONSDALE AVE.
NORTH VANCOUVER