BOYFRIEND STAYS AT WORK LATE
VW/oman needs to deal with jealousy

Q. | KNOW you say it is wrong to be jealous, but in my

present situation [can’t help it.

Pam crazy about my bosfriend
and he seems to enjoy me, but?
can see this relationship isn't as
much to him as to me. | think of
nothing else, he spends most of his
time wrapped up in his work. He
works overtime because he fikes
it. He is managerial and gets no
extra pay for doing this.

Then sometimes we are af par-
ties and his old girlfriend is there
and they stand apart and talk and
laugh a lot. She is part of his
crowd: it seems reasonable that
they should talk and be friendly
even if they used to be lovers —
but it bothers me. E lose sleep over
it. 1 don't know what to do about
it. 1 want to fight with him about
it, but [am afraid he will think I
am too much trouble if I do and
Jeave me.

A. Your problem is not so much
with him, it is between you and
you. You have to have a serious
talk with yourself about what you
will do if you get real proof that
there is something more than old
friendship between him and his old
girlfriend, | think that if he keens
on like this, you will suffer a long
time and then one evening you will
be tco tired of it emotionally and
will just quit on it.

Maybe there is more to his
friendship with her than friend-
ship, maybe not, but he shows lit-
tle consideration for you. A man
who loves you and as any sense
wil] see inat vou are hurt and hu-
mifiated when he repeatedly
disregards how you feel, or deesi't
see it, or doesn't care,

This man may enjoy you, as you
say, but his work is more to hin,
or at least occupies more of his
time than thinking about you dogs,
That might be all right, because
many people are more fascinated
by their work than by anything
else, yet have strong attachments
to the ones they love. To unders-
tand that, to live with that, you
have fo Inve your own interests
that preoecupy you aad you need
to have more sense OF yoursell as a
person.

This nan just may not be the
right one for you, ho matier bow
much you want bin to be, and ne
matter Chat in bis way he as fond of
yon. He is strony, sell eeluuit,
needs you tess Una you ecu tien,
and can't act Wie way you want
Dim to. So yuu have to deede
whether you would put ups with ft
if he really proves to be two dining.
you, and if you really mean to
hang on to him even if he os only
indifferent to your Jeelings.

Incidentally, To never said it was
wrong to be jealous. There are real
reasons ta feel jealous. P have said
that chrome jealousy. or unrea-
sonabie jealousy, is no good tor a
relationship. | have said that mak-
ing your partner jealous is the
arong way to perk up his or her
interest. It is also wrong to be
jealous and go on tolerating the
feeling or the situation that causes
it. There will be times in a long
relationship when one partner and
then the other has an attack of
unrealistic suspicion or jealousy,
and then this passes.

In your case being jealous of his
ex-girlfriend is reasonable, because
many couples have parted and then
gone back together again. But if
your sleep and happiness depend
entirely on what they do, then you
do have a sitatuion that is bad for
you. So have that talk with
yourself,

Q. If a man likes you to do a cer-
tain thing sexually and you used to
like it pretty well but now find you
don’t, is it mean to let him know
the truth and say you don’t want
to do it? I don't care for it any
more but | know he does and I
hate to make him feel bad about it.

A. | hear this often, and judging
from the way the woman tells me,
I make slightly different answers.
You are right, it can hurt his feel-
ings, it can make him ashamed of
wanting it, it can make him feel
guilty that he has, as he may think,
coerced you into it, it can make
him think that he is wrong to have
asked you to do it, it can make
him think you Inve fost same in-
terest in him. | would never say to
do something that you really dow't
want to do. In that case you can
say, *‘That was fun to try fora
while, it was exciting for a while,
but now TF don't want to. Maybe 1
will reel like it again sometime,
and then you will be the first to
know, Right now f would like to
put it away for is while.’

You can say Chal in your ows
way, showing you tte with dian
gd Coast fate do racerstioned yoru
feelings. Tf itis a case ad your jest
being somewhat teed af it, you
can say that it is Decors tee
foutine aid isa't the Laat il wits at
first. Supgest that you do it sore
times Dol not all the dine, becnuse
there are lols od dice things te de

And you cin do it with lit iow
and them even Hit dees’t dill
you, if it is a Wtthe boeing, os
fonp as it docsa't seally dun you
OM Think of something pleissagt

a aaa |

Hearts

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Lm eee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee

while doing it—dancing, listening
to a song you like, driving in an
open car, whatever.

Q. 1 don't know how te tongue-
kiss and now that fam married 1
feel that TE should. With = two
boyfriends before J met my hus-
band | was tog embarrassed to try
because FE knew they could tell
didn't know how, With my hus-
band sometimes E think CI try ita
little, but his tongue is always in
my mouth before | can, After five
years of masriage F really ought to
know about this. Where can I find
out about it?

A. You don’t have to, you know.
It is not required by any law of
lovemaking. Furthermore, it is no
disgrace not to know how. If you
are that intimate with someone,
some inexperience is charming,
and between lovers frankness
about trying a new thing should be
allowed. Let me ask you some-
thing.

Do you mean you have been

married five vears, sleeping with
thi. man, sharing sex and the even
greater intimacies of Monday-
morning risings with both of you
looking tousled and sleepy,
needing to vet your act together,
and yel you cun’t say to
him,‘‘Hey, lover, get your tongue
out of the way. Mine wants to
have some fun, too?"
Tongue-kissing is not a critical
part of lovemaking, just an
embellishment. My only suggestion
is that you don’! have to get your
tongue way in, straining and mak-
ing its roots ache with the effort.

dr. ruth

Ruth Westheimer

Just get to the teeth with naughty
and loving feelings, as if those
teeth were made of peppermint.

And as for where you can find
out about it, why, in his arms is
the right place.

Q. I have herpes (haven't had an
outbreak in years), but when [ told
him belatedly, | admit he dumped
me. This was a guy I really cared

=
Uy

DEELERS

ANTIQUES «© CURIOS « HERRODUCTIONS

., _

about and it hurts me a jot, What
can | do?

A. Ciet another lover and cel him
before having sex with him. J am
not making up a tairy tale, I know
lots of people who have herpes and
who have told their lovers before
having sex and the relationship has
progressed to sex and beyond to
serious commitment. They have to
go to a doctor together and be in-
structed in avoiding transmission,
they have to learn about childbirth
with herpes. This is not an insur-
mountable barrier to love or mar-
riage.

Herpes, the terror and plague
and media favorite of a few years
back, is not the end of your life or
love. Someone who loves and
values you 1. ill take a rational view
of your having herpes even if you
should have regular outbreaks,
which you say you don't. And |
believe you—it does happen.

All right, this is the guy you
want, and you don’t want to dump
him. Show him this column, or
mail it to him with a note. Maybe
he really hopes there is a way to be
with you. It is worth risking rejec-
tion to let him know the medical
facts. There are many nice people
who have herpes. It is an infection,
a medical fact, not a sign of bad
character any more than having
had some other kind of accident.
A person of value can be loved in
spite of herpes, can form a valued
attachment or get married.

Pi
ROTAL.
NOTH

WEA OVE
GAZ OZLS