38 -— Wedn escay, Decemiber 16, 1992 - North Shore News LIFESTYLES Face to face with ‘the other woman’ Judith MISS MANNERS DEAR MISS MANNERS — My husband is a city employee who will be at- tending a fundraiser next week. Also attending will be @ woman co-worker witts whom he had an affair. The affair is over, and my hus- band and fi jave worked out our differences. He tcft it up to me whether I would attend the func- tion, but understanding that the situation is uncomfortable for all eoncerned, | insisted he make the decision. He @ecided that I should attend. Tam afraid that if I do not, it will set a precedent for future fune- tions. If I should come face io face with this woman, which most Sike- ly will happen, shal! I ignore her presence? GENTLE READER — Only if you want her to believe that you have reason to fear that your husband still yearns for her. (And Miss Manners considers his tactful insistence that you accompany him to be powerful evidence that he doesn’i.} Miss Manners understands that it is counter-intuitive to be pleas- ant in such a case. But etiquette has a powerful ally here in advis- ing you not to cut her publicly. You want to triumph over her, don’t you? By treating her with ordinary politeness (just a smiling nod will do — you den't have to get ch ty}, you will not only deprive the cnlockers of a scene, which is a laudable sociai goal, but you wii! deprive her of the belief that she is an important factor in your life, and hence in your husband's. As you have forgiven your hus- band (who, after all, is the one who was disloyal to you), surely you would prefer to give the im- pression that the third party herself was so unimportant that you hardly remember her, rathcr than to confirm her importance by openly treating her as an enemy. DEAR MISS MANNERS — U'm at a toss when someone says, ia response to an invitation, “Now, please don’t go to any trouble," or, upon arriving at your house, ‘‘I hope you haven't gone to any trouble."” This has to be the stupidest social statement imaginable. Why does anyone say it? And what is the proper reply? GENTLE READER — Well, it's not charming, but Miss Man- ners would hardly call it ‘‘the stupidest social statement imagin- abie.’’ She thinks you do an in- justice to the human imagination. Try to use your imagination, not in doing worse but in under- standing that such remarks are not to be taken literally. They merely acknowledge the work it takes tc entertain. As clumsy a way as this is to express appreciation, that is the intent. if you want to draw the surface meaning to the attention of the speaker, Miss Manners insists that you do so graciously. 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DEAR MISS MANNERS — As always, the department 1 work in is going to have 2 Christmas par- ty. Because my job is isolated — 1 don’t work with anyone else — I really don't know my co-workers very well, beyond the daily “Good morning" and maybe, if they see me leaving, ‘‘Goodbye."” . OK, so I feel lost at these gath- erings. I don’t know what to talk about. I feel most uncomfortable when i see groups of these pecole who know one another well and are deep in conversation. I feel like a hypocrite, because I don’t want to be there, but ! sense the unspoken message from the supervisor that I have to attend. How can [ not attend the department gathering? I don’t mind contributing food or money. I just mind being around all these eople i have nothing in common with. Small talk? What's that? GENTLE READER — Miss Manners does not have a jolly at- titude about officc parties. it seems to her a shame and a danger to spend time that is meant to be relaxing with people who do not necessarily judge one’s party behavior with affection. And she would defend you in not attending, if you politely pleaded unfinished work (if the party is held during office hours) or family duties (if in the even- ing). But she finds herself wanting :o urge Vou to attend. If the office party wus a legitimate function, it is to make workers pleasantly ac- quainted, in the interests of de- veloping a cheerful office at- mosphere in which people feel they can talk easily ‘with one another when necessary. And that seems to be exactly what you need to learn. TO OUR VALUED “60 PLUS” CUSTOMERS: We've got a golden savings opportunity for you! Corne in and take advantage of a 15% savings on almost everything in the store! 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