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Friday, October 18, 1991 - North Shore News - 7

Wiil the dead please lie down?

YOU HEARD it here first.
Elvis is dead. I know that
fir sure because he was in
7-Eleven last week and I
shot him.

By Paul Hughes
Contributing Writer

’ If you look closely, you can still ©

see the stains on the floor, al-

though the manager may try to

tell you they’re left over froma

‘broken jar of salsa.

.. Don’t you believe it.’

-” The King (or someone who
looks very much like him) well
and truly bought it there a week
ago Thursday, and I sincerely
hope he’s beer dispatched for the
last time.

Not that I have anything par-

‘ticularly against Elvis. I actually

found him almost bearable when

.. the was alive, Nevertheless, since .

-.) ° his death, he’s been a festering

: -nuisance, 7.

-- Call mea quaint traditionalist,

‘put I have this crazy notion that
. “once people croak, they should

stay more or less permanentiy
croaked.

, _‘.::They should definitely nor be

“= popping up, looking perfectly in

~ © the pink, at bowling alleys, con-

- venience stores, and all-night car .

- washes: It’s just not the done

‘thing.

3 It wouldn’t be so. bad if Elvis
were the only culpable corpse.
Would that 'twere. If you believe
The National Enquirer, The Star,

2... Dear Editor:

. Most people complain bitterly
vabout the water. quality in the
Vancouver area if a slight turbidi-
ty“is noticed; many opt te buy
“clean’’ water.

Perhaps they should try some-
thing different: take one glass cf
water and stir.into it enough white
paint to give the appearance of
2% milk. Drink? No. But the fish
and wildlife on the North Shore
are expected to do just that.

On Sunday, Oct. 6, Keith
Creek in North Vancouver District
looked like 2% milk. The paint,
for such it was, entered the creek
at Weymouth about 4:30 or 5

“p.m. By dark the water was still-

Anrep IN 1045...
BUTI STILLKEEP
POPPING: UP IN

The Examiner, and other highly
reputable magazines of that ilk,
John F. Kennedy was sighted
prowling around the planet look-
ing remarkably chipper for a guy
who's been dead for over a
quarter of a century. It seems
Oswald was an awfully lousy shot
efter all.

Natalie Wood, too, is tired of

turbid.

Approximately 24 hours later, I
neticed a patch of pure white in a
small area between some rocks.
The paint particles had floated to
the surface and solidified as a film
coating the water, fallen leaves
and rocks. With the help of paper
towels I managed to remove vir-
tually all of this skin before it
could wash into the main current.
Although the creek is low due io
lack of rain, it’s obvious. that a
large volume of paint must have
entered the creek.

Fifteen years ago Keith Creek
was a beautiful, clear mountain
stream filled with wild cutthroat
trout. Since then it has suffered

the after-life. She was spotted
wandering around presumably
looking for a life-jacket. And let’s
not forget James Dean. (No. !
don’t think he was looking for a
life-jacket.) .

Now these people, without a
shadow of a doubt, excelled in
their fields of endeavor. But they
are strictly third-raters when it

comes to dying. They don't follow
the rules, you see.

As any one of us ordinary
schmucks knows, there are only
three basic decrees covering the
act of snuffing it:

A. Stop breathing.

B. Lie down. (Absolutely crucial
in all cases.)

C. Rot.

oe MAILBOX
Polluters should pay stiif
penalties for infractions

the effects of oil, detergent, paint,
silt, diminution of flow due to
rerouting, fertilizers, pesticides,
garbage, bicycles, tires being
thrown into it ~ you name it.

My proposal is that those con-
taminating the creeks should face
mandatory fines, minimum
$2,000, to increase substantially
(i.e., doubled) with each suc-
ceeding infraction. Also, the
names and addresses of the of-
fenders should be published. After
all, shouldn’t the community be
aware of those who have despoil-
ed their gardens and turned the
beautiful North Shore into algae-
filled ditches?

Ms. J.M. Mathieson, North Van

Logging does not reduce frequency

Dear Editor:

In the Oct. & issue of the
North Shore News, Robert
Kyle, spokesperson for the
Association of Professional
Foresters, was quoted as saying
that we should log our water-
sheds because to not log would
increase the frequency of land-
slides and sediment.

Kyle claims that the water-
shed panel report took this
position.

What planet is Kyle on? In

the panel reports nobody sug-
gested that logging reduces the
frequency of landslides. In
fact, the revised panel report
showed data confirming that
logged areas in the watershed
had up to three times greater
frequency of landslides than
unlogged areas.

Fortunately, West Vancouver
Mayor Sager and others on the
GYRD board read the report
and specifically referred to this
information before asking for a
halt to logging until a detailed

ecological
done.
Thank God there are some
politicians out there who do
their homework , .
Thanks also io North Van-
couver District Council and
Mayor Dykeman. who also
studied the issue and voted
with Mayor Sager to protect
our watersheds. .
Paul Hundal
Vice-president
Society Promoting En-
vironmental Conservation

assessment was

It seems an inordinately easy
process to me. Any simpleton
should be able to handle it. Even
my great uncle Mike rose (or
rather, jay down) to the challenge,
and he only made it to Grade 3. °

Then why, you ask, cannot the
best and brightest of those who
were among us carry it off?

Ah, therein lies the pith of the
problem.

Lhave this theory: NONE OF
THESE PEOPLE REALLY
DIED AT ALL.

That’s right. Their trips to the
“Great Perhaps’’ were ali faked
by the tabloids. JFK, Natalie
Wood, and Elvis were paid huge
bundles of booty to PRETEND
TO DIE. In actuality, they all live
together in an unassuming condo
somewhere south of Walla Walla.

Whenever the news is so slow
no green babies have been born to
vegetarian mothers, or Burt
Reynolds’ toupee hasn't been set
alight, they dust off one of the
famous cadavers and let him or
her loose outside Wilma’s
Washateria. Bingo! You have Ma-
jor Headlines.

Well, personally, !'m sick of it.
tf someone goes (o all the.time
and trouble to tell me he’s now
defunct, i tend to believe him. I |
don’t especially like being duped
by a stiff.

So if you happen to spot one of
these folks down at the laun-
dromat, let me know. I've got my
magnum loaded and ready to fire.

Don’t worry about Elvis,
though. That particular pest is a
goner. a, .

Majority isn’t represented
Dear Editor: ,
in your Oct. 6 article entitled

‘*Watershed showdown,’’
Mayor Dykeman of North
Vancouver District states that
he and Mayor Sager ‘‘felt quite
heartened by the number of

speakers (on the GVRD board). ©

who supported ... stopping the
logging.”’ L

At the public hearings into
watershed management held in
May 1991, supporters of con-
tinued harvesting outnumbered
those calling for a moratorium
by two to one. Therefore,

those board members now call-
ing for a moratorium are not
reflecting the views of a major-
ity of the public. ff
It should also be noted that
in February 1991, Mayor .
Dykeman and North Van-
couver District Council passed
a motion calling for a ban on
harvesting in the watershed
based on only one submission
to council — from the Western
Canada Wilderness Committee.

Rod Kyle
Port Moody

Why Lions Bay restrictions?

Dear Editor: ’

‘Re: Access to the North Shore
mountains from Lions Bay. :

I chose to live in B.C. because
of the natural beauty and splendor
of this province — free for us all
to enjoy.

I wonder why Lions Bay would
want to restrict parking for non-
residents. Imagine their reaction
to West and North Vancouver
limiting parking to only the resi-

dents of North and West Van-
couver.

Provision of adequate parking .
facilities at Lions Bay for access
to the local North Shore moun-
tains, for everyone to enjoy,
would surely promote harmony
between our local communities, as
well.

Wendy Pearson
North Vancouver

Means more pollution for us

Dear Editor:

Thank you for two articles
printed in your Sept. 4 issue.

First, Chris Yost’s letter,
“Doug Collins’ column like a ‘ray
of hope.’ "' This is exactly how I
feel.

Second, Terry Jacks’ ‘‘ ‘Evil’ is

the word for pulp mill’s ad cam-
paign.’’ The pollution per ton of
production is down, true, but
production is doubled or tripled
— so the net result is more pollu-
tion for us.

D.L. Spence

Lions Bay