LAST WEEK'S sdiget joke has already been scrutinized to

e death by the Pundit Club, but there are still a few scraps
- that cam be picked from the corpse for laughs. Our national
tera. is always good for a bit more hilarity. (Pssst! Wanna

4 budget? Got one here goin’ cheap, Mister!)

a leaner eer tear
moment the news broke and didn't
stop until his lungs were in danger
of cracking. For what could have
been more deliciously Canadian
than a stolen budgct? It was even
_ better than the tainted tuna caper
or the millions of income tax re-

cords that ended up on a garbage

dump... _: :

If it weren’t for the fact that
they'd lose the bank, there would
be a national movement to turn the
House of Commons into a bingo
game.

brown bag was the cat known as
the budget. Only he and a few
others had the faintest idea what it
contained.

The cat was then let out of the

' bag and the opposition and the
media could make of it what they
would.

Today, in the name of public
‘relations, thousar:ds of copies of
“the budget in short form"' are
printed, just to make things easy
for the media and the opposition.

Prime Minister Collins would go
back to the old system.

T; he trouble with those lollipops in Otfawe is that they have
no brains. How in the name of Fumbledee and Fumbledum can
anyone expect anything to be kept secret when 200 printers and
800 other curious heads know what’s in it?”

I had visions of Brian Baloney
and Michael Wilson crawling
‘around under their deaks, hunting
for the budget. (“You bad it last,
Briant’’ ‘“No, it was you, Mike!"’)

The trouble with those lollipops
in Ottawa is that they have no
brains. How in the name of
Fumbledce ard Fumbledum can
anyoue expect anything to be kept
secret whex: 260 printers and
ret ee el baow what's ‘8
in it? You might as well put the
stuff on the local telephone pole.

What used to happen was that
the minister of finance would walk
into the House with a little brown
bag under his arm, and in the little

Location:

The laughs were even louder
when the Turner and Broadbent
act got going.

What blatherheads. What wind-
bags. What mumblepegs and
purveyors of false fuzzistic fury.
James Boren, the American hu-
morist, should give the pair of
them the annual Order of the Bird
Award, which goes to the politi-
cian or bureaucrat who has excell-
ed in communicative excesses and
political counterpointing.

Of the two, Turner put on the
sillier show, although Broadbent
can also look outraged on order.
Come to think of it, these guys are
so good they should figure in the

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Academy Awards.

Turner took us all the way back
to 1265, when the barons tried to
put the ‘financial crimps on the
kings. Or so he said. Me, i don’t
remember that. But our Mr. Glad
worked up a fine spit about it.

He also said this was the issue
over which the U.S. went to revo-
lution.

I don’t remember that, either.
We'll have to take his word for it,
though, because he was a Rhodes
Scholar.

But the best bit in his parade of
cliches and spots-before-the-eyes
indignation was his claim that
Wilson’s sins constituted ‘‘a
precedent in the history of Canada
as we know it."

It did? What it constituted to me
was a lark by someone who
docsn’t like the Tories.

It was also fun to see the
Keystone Cops running in all di-
rections trying to find the culprit.
(“This way, Bill. No, that way!’’)

We must assume that the budget
wouldn’t have leaked at all if the
Tumer and Broadbent team had
been running the show. Nothing
leaks when clever folk tike them
are around. Except fat-headedness,

Come to think of it, leaks are
probably good for us. We get to
know a few hours ahead of time
just how much we are going to be
screwed for. We also get to know
ahead of time just how little our
elections mean, for as you may
have noted, hardly any of that
stuff spouted with abandon last
November now counts for more
than a dribble or two.

I once knew 2 plumber called
Leaky Lata.

He’s my next choice for finance
minister @

9 — Wednesday, May 3, 1989 — North Shore News

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