34 - Sunday, March 8, 1992 — North Shore News IF SHE can think of a deli- cate way to put it, Miss Manners would like to de- fend euphemisms. Delicacy is required because the very mention of euphemisms drives the righteous to distraction. So many people nowadays believe that stating everything baldly is the greatest of human virtues, canceling out such trivial ones as sparing other people’s feelings. But the war against euphemisms is not new. Dear Booth Tarkington once wrote about the fact that Vic- torians who were being attacked by their juniors were inevitably charged with the high crime of calling legs ‘‘limbs.’’ It seemed to be unforgivable, even though, as he pointed out, ‘‘limbs’? was gen- erally used to refer collectively to both arms and legs. The explanation of the next generation’s outrage was that Vic- torians found legs, even piano legs, so immediately suggestive of raw sex as to be socially unmen- tionable. Miss Manners would have thought that children of a jaded age, in which even the most bla- tant sexuality has become banal, would have only admiration for people so highly sexed as to have the protect themselves from the public excitement of hearing about legs. But no — euphemism itself came to be considered a sin. Etiquette cannot do without euphemism. Dinner becomes less paiatable when people who leave the table must describe exactly what it is they are leaving to do. Even ‘‘I’m_ going to the Judith Martin MISS S MANNERS bathroom” is a euphemism for what occurs in that room. It is true that ‘‘Excuse me" is a sufficient indication of intent in this case, but Miss Manners feels sorry for gentlemen because they do not have the explanation avail- able of absenting themselves to powder their noses. (‘‘Making a telephone call’? is useless nowa- days, when someone present is sure to whip a telephone out of a bag and offer it for the purpose.) How would we manage without euphemisms about being busy, so as to avoid the scrupulously honest ‘I’m hoping something .better will turn up’’ or “Not if you were the last person on earth?’’ Neither of these explanations helps preserve the harmony of our lives. Personally, Miss Manners rather favors, ‘‘That’s the day I have to see a man about a horse.’ And we keep having to invent new euphemisms. *'l’m aot avail- able right now’’ is now the stand- ard euphemism on = answering machines for either ‘‘You’re probably a thief, and I'm not go- ing to tell you whether I'm at home”’ or ‘‘I’m not going to pick this up until I can figure out my new device for reading callers’ numbers and decide if I want to talk to you.”’ Yet oddly enough, etiquette is on the recerd as being in favor of saying things in the simplest way possible. It intensely dislikes names that seem to inflate an ob- ject — ‘‘mansion’’ for ‘‘house,”’ ‘limousine’? for ‘car’? — no matter how gross in size (or taste) the objects to which they refer. This is why people are apt to say that etiquetie always favors direct speech. No, it doesn’t. Actually, one of etiquette’s major missions is to disguise what people actually mean. Not the kindly impulses, of course, but those that are likely to sicken, insult, shock, or otherwise offend others if they are not covered with a bit of polite foliage. It believes that people who go around voicing sorrow that others happen to be sadly mistaken cause fewer etiquette problems (and live longer) than people who call one another liars. And when etiquette opposes translating ‘‘That was a good party’? into ‘‘That was an elegant affair,’’ it is trying to avoid the double etiquette prob- lem of snootiness and the etiquette consequences of people getting a very wrong idea of what-went on. But a good euphemism, that Fitness class offered for people “50 plus’ WEST VANCOUVER Recreation Centre is offering a fitness pro- gram to older adults on Monday and Wednesday afternoons at 2:45 p.m. The ‘50 Plus’? fitness class of- fers a moderate-level exercise pro- gram in a social environment. It aliows people who are inter- ested in fitness to participate without the intesity of a running or aerobics pregram. The class provides an opportu- nity for people to enjoy regular exercise and to stretch their bodies WHY RISK an without over extending themselves, say organizers. The one-hour class has a $4 drop-in fee and takes place at. the recreation centre, 780-22nd St. in West Vancouver. For more information call 926-3266. : STOP SMOKING ' [Treatment includes follow up & appetite oints — Diet treatment also available. COME AND SEE ABOUT YOUR LIFE, § MONEY AND RELATIONSHIPS A THE ORIGINAL ae 13-15 VANCOUVER TRADE & CONVENTION CENTRE Hours: Fri. 4-11, Sat il Sun. de? Admission $7. 25 INCL GST Senior & Students $6.50 INCL GST Children Under 12 Free LIFESTYLES In defense of euphemism avoids letting people in on too much of an unappetizing or shocking fact, is something Miss Manners endorses; after which, she asks to be excused. DEAR MISS MANNERS — Please give your opinion of people who stand directly behind you, where they can eusily read the amount of your transaction at an automatic teller machine. I always wait to one side. Should [ ask the person reading over my shoulder to move? GENTLE READER — AIl- though she is at a loss to imagine any benign reason for someone’s seading your bank transaction over your shoulder, Miss Manners believes in courtesy, even to potential thieves. Try saying a polite but stern ‘Please give me some room to do this in private,’’ and not continu- ing with your business until this is accomplished, thus giving the of- fender a time penalty. 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