42 - Weduesday, May 16, 1939 - North Shore News

LIFESTYLES

Use fantasies to replace experiments

Q. MY LOVER and I want
to marry after four years
together.

He was « virgin when we met; I
was not. Now be dees want {0
marry me bat be has said thet be
wishes be knew what it was like to
- have sex with other people, the
way I do. This makes me feel in-
secure.

I believe that he wonld sever -

cheat on me, but this wondesiag of
bis could come between us. We
have discussed it and even consid-
ered separating a while co be could
get this out of his system before we
marry rather than afterwards.

A. Don’t separate. it is easily
understandable that he has this
feeling — after all, you have had
the experience, he hasn’t. But
don’t separate and don’t allow any
arrangement by which he wanders
about gaining the experiences he is
thinking about.

Instead, use fantasies. You can
make believe you are a different
person, you can read erotic stories
together, or some of those confes-
sions columns that are so popular
in erotic magazines. You can ea-
courage him to fantasize on his
own, without being jealous or
wonying that he really wants
someone else. .

I would wt any time advise
against giving permission to prowl
to either of you if you mean to
marry, but it is absolutely a
foolhardy idea in this era of herpes
and AIDS and other widespread

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464-0611

infections. Do not separate with
the intention of getting together
again some time. It would be toc
destructive to what you have
together. Couples do sometimes

ask
Dr. Ruth

Dr. Ruth Westheimer

survive the separation crisis but it
is not something to seek. If he
makes a habit of referring to this
yearning of his for experience with
other partners, teil him to cut it
out. It is a natural line of thought,
but should not be allowed to
become an obsession.

Q. Last December, being a 30-
year-old maie, I got married and
proceeded to become bored with
sex.

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I honestly kad not expected this.
I had understood there was some
lowering of excitement recompens-
ed by 2 calmer and better-regulated

le.

But from having sex three to five
thnes weekly before marriage I
went to never or once in a great
while. I have no interest im sex at
all, and I don’t want to live the
rest of my life this way.

A. You are right not to let this
slide and my first thought is to
send you to a marriage counsellor
or sex therapist because there is
something the matter and a pro-
fessional can probably help.

Before you do see anyone, you
might write down some answers to
questions. Are you angry with
your wife? If so, list reasons for
your anger. When you were active
sexually was it with your present
wife or another? Or others? Is the
absence of uncertainty about the
next sexual encounter — who it
will be, whether she will make
herself available, what efforts of
yours will make her willing or
eager, and other issues that keep
your mind agitated and aroused
about sex — too calming and
deadening?

Maybe you had higher expecta-
tions of a regular sex life. Are you
without any interest in sex at ali,
or simply having trouble engaging
in sex with your wife? Are you
pleasuring yourself apart from
her? Are you thinking sexually of
other women? Are you aware of
being sexually aroused or

arousable apart from her?

Are there less obvious ques-
tions? Are you employed? How is
your work going? Is it well-paid
work? Is it frustrating? Are there
unusual personality clashes? Is it
the line of work you feel is right
for you? Do you feel trapped in it
because of married respon-
sibilities? Is your wife working? Is
she making more or less than you?

I am surprised that you don’t
say a single word about how your
wife feels about this loss of sexual!

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interest. You give me this problem
of yours, no mention of he, as if
it exists in a vacuum.

On your sheet of questions and
observations, list her apparent
response to your loss of interest in
her. Some thought along these
lines will speed up your initial in-
terview with a sex therapist or
marriage counsellor.

As I said, you are cight to want
to do something and preparing
that list is the thing to do, either by
yourself or with your wife.

Nancy Henderson
Lawyer

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gxephanie

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PARK ROYAL SOUTH 926-5616