The ultimate rea AS YOU would have noticed if you’d been puying proper atiention, this year’s Nobel Prize for medicine went to (wo researchers who discovered that most of the DNA molecule is junk. Apart from knowing that the DNA has a double helix, whatever that is, my only knowledge of the little darlings was that they are the long strings of signals by which our genes determine whether we get brown eyes or blue, short hair or curly and whether we are best suited to play basketball or the nose flute, _ Everything that you and I are came from our ancestors on the long helixes of DNA. Most of us were willing fo Jet it go at that, but along come the Nobel winners, Phillip Sharp and Richard Roberts, to announce that the reason the DNA is so long is that most of its length is devoted not to cogent genctic messages but to pure gibberish. “Junk’' is the word they use. For example, the gene suspected of triggering muscular dystrophy contains 2,000,000 units, only 14,000 of which do any work. The rest of the gene, 99.3% of it, consists of gibberish and does nothing whatsoever. Approximately the same per- cenlagss apply to the federal civil service and that is one reason that this Nobel prize explains so much to us, the ignorant and unwashed: Whole areas of hunian affairs are suddenly placed in their proper perspective. 7°. It may be the :,2atest message for mankind since Mark Twain wrote, ‘‘When we remember that we are all mad, the inysteries disappear and life stands explain- ed.” ty : Thanks to the Nobei prize win- ners, I know now why I and a hundred thousand other Canadian kids studied Latin. ’. We knew the language was dead. The teachers knew it was ‘dead. The school board knew it. “=: We knew there were lots of liv- ing languages on which we might : profitably have spent our time. Why didn’t we study Japanese or Spanish or Russian? Because schooling required gibberish and Pier ) P Latin served. Think of other fields. Newspa- per work, for instance. Go into any newspaper office and observe how few pcople are actually striking a keyboard to write anything, using a telephone te fearn anything or their brains to think anything. : Far from it. They are gossiping, flirting, eating sandwiches, mopping up spilled coffee or quarreling about _ who gets the aspidistra next to their desk. Actual work, the non-gibberish ‘portion of a working newspaper day, usually occupies only a few minutes. Go watch people in Parliament In a normal debate, only 15 to 25 of 296 MPs will be present in the House of Commons. None are listening if they can find anything else to do, such as sign letters, write memos or sleep. Then why are they there? As the Nobel people have discovered, because all human affairs are mostly junk and gib- berish. , The few things that make sense or cause progress are scarce and smail as raisins in a poorhouse bun. Many or most (elevision stations uow broadcast 24 hours a day. Scarcely any of it is worth watching, but the almost intermi- nable passages of gibberish and car chases are now revealed to be part of nature's master plan. Messieurs Roberts and Sharp called the long nonsense coils of DNA “introns” and the brief periods which made some sense “*exons."’ This is because no scientist can get to sleep at night unless he has attached a name to something. Something that docs not have a name cannot exist, even though it does. So inventing words like intron and exon can be seen as fulfilling science’s need for gibberish in its pronouncements. Children understand the need for junk and gibberish in life. For every productive minute spent in mowing lawns or studying non- Latin school subjects, the child spends a couple of hours on non-productive pursuits. Their contributions of uselessness in any 24-hour period will vary according to age group. Litile ones play endless games with non-educational toys. In the early teen years they are apt to gaze blankly into the far yonder while behind those opaque eyes their imagination is churning out technicoior sexual encounters. Non-human animals, being closer to the realities than we are, have always known that most time is junk time. That is why the leopard may sleep for 23 hours out of 24. In years past, many wise people have intuitively grasped the great truth of our existence. The French writer Simone Weil (1900-1943) wrote, ‘“‘Imagination and fiction make up three quarters of our real life.” Years before, Shakespeare spoke of “‘sound and fury, signi- fying nothing.” The Nobel winners have found the theory that fits those facts. Shall we take this moment to adjourn for some junk time in life? Phone service sales warning issued CONSUMER SERVICES Minister Joan Smallwood is - warning’ “consumers to be “wary: of . direct. sellers of long-distance telephone ser- vice contracts. ‘ ‘ “We've had ‘several hundred ‘complaints from consumers ‘who have been solicited to buy long- distance: telephone plans: by door-to-door salespeople who im- ply they are BC Tel employees or who suggest they are conducting some sort of survey,’’ said Smallwood. JURASSIC PARK Nightly 7:10pm & 9:15pm Sat/Sun. 2:45pm & 5:00pm Single Feature Presentation 14 yrs R, “Claiming an affiliation you don’t have or misrepresenting the purpose of coniact with the con- sumer is against the Trade Prac- tice Act.”” _ Consumers. should be wary about signing any documents, _ releasing BC Tel or other invoices, or providing voided cheques, and should carefully guard their social insurance number,’’ she said. To stop deceptive and mislead- ing business practices, the act pro- vides for fines of up to $100,000. Smallwood also noted that the legislative amendments to the Consumer Protection Act to reg- ulate direct svilers will be pro- COOL RUNNINGS _ Nightly 7.05pm; Sat/Sun, 3:40pm WHAT’S LOVE GO TO DO WITH ggt Nightly S:0spm; Sat/Sun. 3:10. claimed this month. “Companies which sell door- to-door will have to be licensed, direct sellers will have to show identification and contracts will not be binding if the seller is unlicensed. Licensing will provide significant consumer protection and help government regulate an areca where many people, especially the elderly, are vic- timized,’’ said Smallwood. The act also provides consumers with a seven-day cooling off period in which to reconsider and cancel a contract signed: at home. This applies to goods and services valued at more than $50. CINEMA 3 THE FUGITIVE Nightly 7:00pm; Sat/Sun, 2:50pm R, 14 yrs, FEARLESS Nightly 9:10pm; Sat/Sun. 4:55pm R. 14yrs, a " OSTERSON’S FR Reals eee Expites Dec. 30/94 u " 1324 Lonsdale Ave, N.Van, Peet | Shari ta’ | Bennett 3 983-4283 Sussex Group ORS-O711 A 00 OFF hy ve -order min. $30 : OPEN . The diamond anniversary bund from Swedish Jeweler. A brilliant expression of your love. Sale priced from $565. including GST.