LET'S face it, being a
parent isn’t always the
most pleasant experi-
ence,

Beginning with the vari-
ous bodily fluids that test
the colour fastness of your
dest clothing during the
baby years, and moving

PARENTING:

Coping with kids in the heat

jf the moment

Keep your perspective and temper when dealing with discipline

through various stages of
ternble moos, obstinate fives,
smartaleck 10s, precocious
pre-teens and wild and crazy
teens is like riding the
proverbial “roller coaster of
love.”

There may not be a day
we don’t love our children
but there will be more than
a few that we don’t like
them.

And, of course, the feel-
ing will be mutual.

Just the same, most Of us
will experience our unpleas-
antness in small and infre-
quent doses, although there

are others, unfortunately,
who may have to cope with
children who are difficult
every minute of every dav.

We should be grateful,
and consider it a blessing, if
we have a child that drives
us crazy just once or twice a
week, or maybe even once or
twice a day.

Having seen some of the
more extreme cases, [ve
learned Jong age to keep iny
own trials and tribulations in
perspective.

Keeping things in per-
spective may help us avoid
wearing jackets with very

long sleeves ted behind our
backs some day, bur what
can we doin the day-to-day
business of dealing with bad
tempers, impulsive behav-
iours or outright aggression?

There’s no simple or sin-
gle answer to all circum-
stances but let me suggest a
few guidelines to use when
dealing with children in the
heat of the moment.

First, stay in control. You
won't solve much by losing
your own temper and lashing
out verbally or physically. In
fact, with emotions running
high, you might give them
some ideas to use them-
selves, taking the outburst to
an even greater level.

You might be angry, but
you have to stay focused on
reducing the risk of making
things worse or taking an
action that you will reuly
regret later.

H you are really angry,
send them to their room and
allow both of vou a cooling
off period.

Second, apply a conse-
quence to negative actions
every time. In other words,

be consistent so that they
know vou mean business.

Its not how severe the
consequence is nearly as
much as it is the fact that
there will actually be one.
Most children learn a lot of
lessons through the school
of hard knocks and if they
know thev are going to lose
a privilege or “do some
ume” in their room, they'll
at least pause before acting.
That slight pause and
thought is often cnough to
get them to choose alternate
actions.

Third, don't bother with
the fogical and reasoning
argument while they are
angry.

Not only are they not
understanding what you are
saving, they are learning to
tune vou out, a skill which
they can generalize quite
readily to times when they
are not even angry at you.

Again, let everything cool
down and then tell them
simply and in a straight for-
ward manner what they did
wrong, why you didn’t
appreciate it and what the

consequence will be. Most
children, especially young
children, de net have the
reasoning ability to under-
stand our complex adult
rationale.

What they need is some
clear guidelines and firm
statements, Again, not in
anger, but with clarity and
conviction,

Finally, and especially as
childrea get older, learn to
pick vour battles carefully.
Stand firm on the issues that
pose a real risk and lighten
up a Jittle on the issues that
are matters of taste.

if not, vou may find vour
household in a constant state
of controntation, making it
very difficult to follow any
of the first three pieces of
advice. Houses with angry
and lecturing parents and
constanuy punished children
are very unhappy houses,
and perhaps too soon, empty
houses.

One of the best ways to
reduce conflict is to avoid it
when it doesn’t really mat-
ter.

— Graham Hookey is the
author of Parenting Is A
Team Sport.

ghookev@yahoo.com

cS Coo oo cocooco

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