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8 - Friday, May 2, 1986 - North Shore News

ONCE UPON a time I worked for the Calgary Herald.

Doug Collins

* get this straight e

a.

That was when reporters had hair on their chests and fell
down elevator shafts and broke up the office clock during
the Friday night drunk. But they still didn’t have as much

hair on their chests as their
wards’ day.

Edwards had been dead for 30
years when I wandered into the
cowtown (which, alas, is now full
of dudes and fairies). But he had
not died in the hearts of men and
still hasn't. For proof, visit the
Alberta Pavilion at Expo. And
there you will find him, bulbous
of eye and florid of face.

His Eye Opener newspaper
(subscription, one dollar a year)
‘was published weekly or whenever
Bob was sober enough to put it

1 out. And I’m happy to see that
k some of his prose has been put on
iishow in the pavilion of which I

‘speak.

{ One piece caught my eye
because it involved North Van-
i couver and a great money-making
scheme using cats and rats. It
began “Dear Sir,” by: which our
man meant everyone:

‘Knowing that you. are always
interested and open for an invest-
ment in a good live business pro-
position, I take the liberty of
“presenting to you what seems to
me a Most wonderful business in
which, no doubt, you will take a
lively: interest and ‘perhaps write
by} return’ mail the amount of
stock that you wish to subscribe

: | towards the formation of this
J ‘company.

‘The object of the company is
to/operate a cat ranch in or near
North. Vancouver,: B.C., ‘where
land can be purchased cheap. for
this purpose.

‘one hundred thousand
(100, 000) :, cats.. Each cat. will

for.the pure blacks. This will give
us‘ twelve’ milion” (12,000,000)
skins a year, to sell at:the average
‘of 30c. ‘a: piece, making our
revenue: ‘about’ ten.. thousand
dollars ($10,000) a day gross,

‘*A man can skin fifty (50) cats
‘a day: at two dollars. It will take
$100..to operate the ranch, and

therefore the: net profit will -be-

‘about nine thousand eight hun-
dred dollars , 800) a day...

iSTo start with, we will collect

average. 12 -kittens a year. The~
‘skins ruin from 10 cents (10c) each «.
h for the white ones to 75 cents (75¢) =

“him to B.C.

predecessors did in Bob Ed-

“We will feed the cats on rats,
and will start a rat ranch next
door. The rats multiply four times
as fast as the cats. If we start one
million rats, we will have,
roughly, four rats per day for |
each cat, which is plenty.

‘*And then we will feed the rats
on the carcasses. of the cats for }
which the skins have been taken,
giving each rat a fourth of a cat.

‘It will thus be seen that the {-

business will be self-acting and
automatic all the way. through.
The cats will eat the rats and the
rats will eat the cats and we will
get the skins.

- “Awaiting your prompt reply
and trusting that you appreciate
this opportunity to get rich very
quickly, I remain, yours very tru-
ly, ete.

“PLS. I have been shown, since
writing this (crcular, that certain
unmeutionable bye-products can
be used for fiddle-strings to such
an extent that it will more than
pay for the skinning of the cats.

**Now that success is assured,
all we need is free cats. Anyone
having: any cats they can spare
‘send to the above address.”

wi kok

: The public failed to take advan-
tage of Bob’s kind offer to make a
lot of money in. North | Van.

“Already, you see, the -seeds of. :

Wimpland were being sown. -

a ee

Premier A.C. Sifton of Alberta
once. sued. Edwards for. writing
that the three biggest liars in the

province were Robert Edwards, |:

Gentleman; the Hon. A.C. Sif-
ton,;Premier, and Bob Edwards,
Editor of the Eye Opener. .

The action was: dropped when
Edwards also filed suit,: naming.
Robert Edwards, Gentleman, and
Bob Edwards, Editor.

Alberta, thank you for bringing
His grammar and
arithmetic may not have, been

perfect, but that is often the way” ZZ

with genius. -
Shakespeare ' wasn’t too hot that
way either, I hear.

_ $950 AN FINES:

No free parking
for NV salesman

A ‘NORTH VANCOUVER: real

estate agent double-parked’ his way’

into $950 in fines Monday.

Conrad Kemp. Swanson ‘ap-
peared in traffic court Monday
and pleaded not guilty to 17
outstanding parking tickets“ ac-

cumulated in the 100 block West

15th. Street from early. +1984
through to October, 1985.

The real estate agent attempted
to have the tickets invalidated by
arguing that the courts could not
prove that the he, as the owner of
the car, ‘was actually the driver of
that car when it violated parking
regulations.

But North Vancouver provincial

court.. Judge J. K.° Shaw” ruled
against Swanson and assessed the
realestate ‘agent’ fines on each

ticket beginning at $5 and rising —

through 17 incremental steps to
$250 on the last ticket.
Swanson, who

treated ‘‘like a hardened criminal’? |

includes a 25,000' square-foot food
store, about 24 smaller stores and
280 parking stalls, McRoberts said.

Milligan said the shopping cen-
tre would include a speciality
Safeway store, the only one of its
kind in Canada; speciality food
stores, such as a bakery, a delica-
tessen and a chocolate shop; a high
quality, beauty salon; a $6 haircut
parlor; a drugstore; a drycleaners;
a couple of quality restaurants;
and possibly a video shop.

“IF you want to buy a new out-
fit, it probably won’t be here,”

1980 Corvette, Glass rool, a one ownel, NS beauty. Air,

piwindows, ptocks ate. SOR

1983 5 heyslr convartibe white, leape int, 2 fea! beau’ 44005

fy (rate) 5070,

1981 Camoro Barlinatta, One owner with onty 35, 3 km”

Come i in & test-drive. #950260.

Milligan said. ‘But if you want to
buy some Kleenex or a magazine,
you're not going to have to go to
Park Royal. It's a conveniénce
centre.”*

He said the request for a gas sta-
tion was denied, there will be no

Classifieds Sell

986-6222

! : | . 7
Mall promises convenience

From Page 3

second floor and no loading zone
abutting residential properties.

The shopping centre proposal
will be going before West Van-
couver District Council within the

; . ' next few weeks, and the Caulfeild
Milligan said the decor will be.;
subtle, attractive and village-like. |

homeowners are meeting Tues.,
May 6 at Caulfeild Eiementary
School at 7:30 p.m. to discuss the
proposal.

fet WORE OF emt ame ERT Y SCE

1983 Olds Cutias Supreme Family tuxury at its best; V6,”
air,  Bindows ath blue with matcing interior - ~ oy 4700 on

1980 Cadillac Seriile,
“opiions.A1-500A «

Marine Dr.

A SPECIAL PURCHASE

1985's

25 Skyhawks, Cavaliers, Synbirds.
Acadians & Chevattes . :

Ail at SUPER Discounts

and priced;to SELL!

1983 Olanebi Delta 88 a Bonham, full load with = d 005

Hanes | Ave.

All streets lead to Irwin

The. largest | lot of.used vehicles on this side. of the bridge
Serving 0 our North Shore. friends for 17 years

said he was 7

during his court appearance, plans | iam .

to appeal the fines in ‘a higher |

court. ;

Asked why he. had refused to
pay the original tickets, Swanson
said he felt the area’s system of is-
suing parking tickets needed an
overhaul.

“Pm just trying to save us all .

some money,” he said. ‘‘Nothing
ventured, nothing gained.’’ —