58 - Sunday, December 14, 1986 - North Shore News Lifestyles ‘PUT ASIDE WHAT IS INAPPROPRIATE’ Don't try to control types of gifts received DEAR MISS MANNERS — Every year at this time, I get the urge to write to my friends and relatives telling them what not to send me for Christmas. I never do, of course, I just smile and thank them and stuff their gifts into the back of my closet. For example, the only jewelry anyone has cver seen me wear is silver, but everyone buys me gold jewelry. I never wear it, but that doesn't stop them. One boyfriend decided to surprise me with a goid and diamond engagement ring. He's the one who got the surprise: How could I niarry someone who paid that little attention to me? The guy I married was smarter — we went shopping together. Spell when they sent an M-18. GENTLE READER — Oh, merry Christmas to you, too. Miss Man- Ners promises never to send you diamonds or furs. Dear me, that was not at all the attitude Miss Manners intended to take. Indeed, she agrees with you that the most important aspect of a present is the evidence that the giver has put himself in the place of the recipient and used thought miss manners by Judith Martin The message I'd like to send is this: If your friends are yegetarians, find out why. If it’s for their health, don’t buy them chocolates or cakes — a fruit basket is more appropriate. If it’s because they don’t like animals be- ing killed, then Jeather, fur and ivory are inappropriate. In my first year of marriage, I appreciated kitchen stuff. By the second year, my cabinets were full, but it still comes. Most people know not to send a Playboy subscription to their minister, but they don’t think about the political and/or religious views of others before sending subscriptions. Don’t send Tootsie Rolls for people without teeth. People sometimes send mez sta- tionery using a form of my name I don’t use or putting the wrong zip code. Obviously, to teli people what not to send me would be to criti- cize past gifts, and I can’t do that. But [I’m expecting my first child and I'd like to know if I can pre- vent toy guns, robots that turn into guns, camouflage diapers, toddler army suits and junk food coming into my house. 1 guess I can intercept packages, trash the gifts and buy replace- ments, but the grandparents might get suspicious if the kid writes a thank-you letter for a Speak ‘n’ y! yy Sia . 10% off REDKEN PRODUCTS KIRBY’S C and imagination to discover what might delight that person. A total- ly inappropriate present is disap- pointing not only as a nuisance but as a sign that this sort of loving observation has not taken place. But there was something about your tone that lost her. People make mistakes, with the best of in- tentions. Miss Manners finds it hard to sneer at @ gentleman in love who assumed that a gold and diamond engagement ring would be welcomed even by a lady who was not already demonstrating her taste by wearing one. She also fears for grandparents who may err — or who may even select something that pleases the child, only to find it on the parents’ proscribed list. The answer is that one cannot fully control the selection of pres- ents for oneself and one’s children. The only proper too! available is the hint, and if that *vils, you have to say a falsely erthusiastic “thank you’? and put aside what is inappropriate. . DEAR MISS MANNERS — The Christmas cards are pouring in, and three of them so far were ad- dressed to my wife by women I have talked to many times. The same thing happened when we celebrated our 50th wedding an- niversary. If one is marrjed, should cards not be addressed to both? Is there something wrong with me or HRISTMAS SHAMPOOICUT } BLOW-DRY LONG HAIR EXTRA Men's HAIR STYLE SHAMPOO $495 CUT BLOW-DRY OFFER EXPIHES DECEMBER 3151/86 Hairstyting COACH HOUSE HOTEL For Appointment: 987-1717 is this the current style? Actually, if is an extremely old- fashioned style. Once upon a time, ladies cor- responded only with the lady of the house, for example answering a couple's joint invitations by ad- dressing the wife only. It was sim- ply not considered proper for a’ to address a_ married gentleman, not matter how re- spectable the correspondence, although a gentleman could so ad- dress a married lady. Miss Manners agrees with you that it is somewhat peculiar now — heck, it was peculiar then — and is as puzzled as you that a friend would wish a wife, but not her husband, a merry Christmas, much less a happy anniversary. DEAR MISS MANNERS — If the hostess is obliged to follow a diet for medical reasons, is it consid- ered proper for her to oblige her invited guests, who are in perfect health, to eat foods prescribed by her diet? GENTLE READER — Not if they notice. Anything she can pass off lady ae CURIO CABINETS Large & Small Oak & Pecan & Mahogany. START FROM, $399 MAGAZINE HOLDER In Medium Owk fitish ATO TEE OTH Peon & Mahogany SALE PRICE 51499 HOURS: Mondays to Saturday- 9 to 3 p.m, Fridays 9 to 9 p.m. Sunday - Noon to 5 p.m. as @ treat is all right, but if she’s on a pitiful diet, she is obliged to excuse herself as briefly and lightly as possible from joining them in the hearty fare that she has pro- vided and that would (she says) give her so much pleasure to sce them enjoy. DEAR MISS MANNERS — I am the one-woman publicity depart- ment of a small non-profit agency and I often receive mail that is ad- dressed simply to the agency and routed to me. I also receive mail addressed to my position rather than to me personally —~ ‘‘Infor- mation Department,’* ‘‘Publici- ty,”’ ete. Almost without exception, such non-discriminating envelopes con- tain letters that hail me as “Gentlemen” or ‘‘Dear Sir.” Assuming that I have a need to answer and that I can swallow my irritation long enough to do so, is there any way that I may politely call the attention to my correspon- dents to the folly of their ways? f have a clearly teminine first name and use it in all my cor- Qe C Nea GAMES TABLES — 2 re TEA WAGON Solid Osh. Solid Brass Wheels With Rubber Tires Ss He vce 5899" WRITING DESK eo Cheers Solidy and Veneers elight Brown Bonded Leather Pop wath 22-Katat Gold Pooling elets Pedestal Features One Deep Drawer @ Brass Hardware eA LIS DAH SPECIAL $9999.95 respondence, so there wili be no ambiguity on that count in my rep- ly. But J itch for a way to alert my correspondents more pointedly and perhaps create a more hospitable atmosphere for working women. GENTLE READER — Come take a look at Miss Manners‘ mail. You will find mountains of letters from people who realize that the tradi- tional business salutation, which presumed that all workers were male, is now inappropriate, but cannot figure out what would be better. The answer is ‘‘Dear Madam or Sir’? or ‘‘Ladies and Gentlemen.” It isn’t all that hard. But let us both have some sympathy for the bewildered until the new forms become standard practice. Re-emphasize that yours is a feminine name by putting ‘‘Miss” in parentheses before your typed name below your signature. Then hope for the best. Taking pointed digs at people does not contribute to a hospitable working at- mosphere for anyone. Square, Rectangle Octoganal choice of Oaks. 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