Were

4 — Sem“sy, May 21, 1909 - North Shore News

RECENTLY I compromised with the inevitable and rented

2 cellular telephone.

Back in the ’70s, I tried living
with a beeper. Remember how, for
a while back there, it was a status
symbol? Doctors and lawyers
walked around with them. Execu-

guys.
Strange, when you think about
that. I mean, it seemed inevitable
that sooner or later everyone
would have ore, but this hasn’t

proved to be the case.
I think the simple answer is the

right one.

by the skin of my teeth. Another
close cali in the life of a media
toiler,

The trouble is I've got a portable
unit. You carry it on a strap, with
a coil of rubber wire from an
adaptor slung around the rubber-
sheathed antenna, and another coil
dangling from the magnetized
mouthpiece-receiver with its com-
puterized callboard and screen.

When it’s in the Ready mode, the
screen glows.

Yes it does. It glows. An evil
greenish light.

Somebody told me that if you

S. omebody told me that if you press
your ear to the phone for more than
three minutes, your brain begins to heat
up. If you stay on it too long, your
brain cells will actually turn to warm
200 that eventually bubbles.’’

The damn things drive you nuts.

I’m hoping the celular phone
will work differently. That 1 will
actually come tc love it and know
its mysterious ways.

This, of course, depends on
whether I survive or not.

i was phoning someone while
driving the other day when I came
within inches of causing a three-
way collision.

Everybody was at fault, but J
was more at fault than the drivers
of the bus and the other car.
Because, you sce, I was dialing as }
approached the intersection, and in
order to dial, I had to take my eyes
off the road.

Just for split seconds at a
time...Well, maybe for a few
whole actual complete seconds,
now that you ask.

Long cnough for me to lose
precious reaction time.

Screech! Honk! Sneers of con-
tempt. I got outa there, but it was

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press your car to the phene for
more than three minutes, your
brain begins to heat up. If you stay
on it too long, your brain ceils will
actually turn to warm goo that
eventually bubbles.

1 know this is a joke. It doesn’t
really happen. [’ve talked on the
thing for 15-minute stretches. And
i can remember what the speed of
gravity is, no problem.

The adaptor fits into the lighter
in your car. That way, as you're
driving, you charge the thing up.

Technologically, it is one of the
great wonders of all tix.c.

But like so many fabulous in-
ventions, it disturbs the environ-
ment around it.

tam slowly mastering the art of
groping with my right hand for my
all-purpose notebook with the
phone numbers and weekly plan-
ner, while steering with my left,
eyeballs rotating madly from rear-

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view mirror, to driver’s mirror,
ahead, and down to the notebook
while my fingernails pick away at
the alphabetized index, trying to
find a number.

With the number found, the
challenge is now, while still driving
and still clutching the open
notebook/phonebook in hand, I
must stretch a forefinger into my
shirt pocket to hook my glasses by
the strings I have attached to them
to prevent losing or breaking them.

I must now yank the glasses
free, Mick them so the arms pop
open, lasso my head with the str-
ing, and jam the rig down on my
nose, low enough so [ can peek
over the top at the road ahead, in-
to the rearview mirror, and so on.

Transferring the notebook to my
Jeft hand so I am now driving with
the same hand that holds the
notebook, held open at the top of
the steering wheel so | can peer
down through my glasses at the
number, my right hand is free to
begin poking a forefinger at the
wickedly-glowing buttons on the
phone.

Of course, since the device is sit-
ting beside me in the passenger
bucket scat, | must now swivel my
head hard to the right, squint
downward, figure out which
number, out of a pageful of
numbers, is the one I want.

Then look widely ahead, craning
my neck to see around the
notebook, which is blocking the
view, to ascertain whether I’m
about to hit anything since I last
looked, a desperate spot-check in
the rearview mirror, frantic glances
all around to see if any trucks are
looming — and then i squint back
at the call buttons.

As it turns out, my _ glasses,
which are for reading only, do not
quite work on tiny numbered but-
tons on a black box sitting in a seat
on the other side of the car, so I
have to dip my head, like a
whooping crane, to get close

enough to make out the numbers
I'm trying to dial.

Surely there oughta be a law
against a guy like me on the road
with a gizmo like that@

37 6%

SEASON RADIALS 63

_Eagle. |
ne SEE
|} met
880-3431

Man jailed

A 30-YEAR-OLD Surrey man was
sentenced May 8 in West Van-
couver provincial court ito 42 days
in jail after he pleaded guilty to a
charge of driving while he was dis-
qualified from doing so.

Joseph Albert Faucher was orig-

Po%
Se

Sy

“Gongregation Hare S .
1735 laglewood Ave. \C):
West Vancouver

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SURNAME ....

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* SOCIETY BYLAWS, ARTICLE 11

in the City of North Vancouver,
District of North Vancouver, District of West Vancouver. —
Village of Lions Bay, the rural district of Bowen Island ..

for driving

inally charged in connection with a
May 10, 1988 incident in which the
vehicle he was driving was pulicd
Grex by police on Hadden Drive in

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Sunday May 28th, 1-5:00 p.m.

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