QUESTION: I love husband dearly, and I have every confidence that he loves me too. However, we have been having difficult times in the last couple of years and are getting on each other's nerves to a very uncomfortable degree. Both of us want to talk things through, but we are becoming increasingly inept in communicating well. My husband has recently suggested that we look into the wisdom of separating for a while so that each of us can do some good thinking on our own and come back together to share our new ideas. What do you think of the idea of short-term separations? STEWART: No couple should be without them — even if they are getting along beautifully - IF, IF, IF, IF. I believe every couple should have a few hours or a half a day, perhaps once a week, when they can be alone — without each other — IF that time is given over to con- sidering, and deciding upon The chi QUESTION: I don’t get to read your column very often, but out of the four or five times I've read it, twice you have referred to being “childlike” as though that is a worthwhile achievement. I find it a little difficult to see why it is desirable for a full -grown man or woman to be “child-like.” Would you enlighten me a bit about what you mean by that phrase? STEWART: Yours is a question about which | would be tempted to go on and on. I'll have to watch myself won't I? Since getting your letter, I have thought again about some of the qualities in children that (it seems to me) would look good on us grown-ups. One of the most important and intriguing on my list is the average child's sense cf wonder. We adults tend to stop wondering in favour of measuring and weighing and analyzing and judging. Another on my list CHILDREN NEED ways open to them to become more loving and more considerate and more fun, concentrating on the change each of them wants to see happen in his or her own life, NOT in his or her partner's life. 1 know that is not what you have asked about, so let's get at your query. If you and your husband were to take a week-end or week- long separation (or even a longer one) see if you can agree on a few things about the separation. Can you agree that the procedure would be for a good purpose, rather than just escaping from each other for a while? Can you agree on the len ngth of time you would take? Can you agree that on rejoining each other, you would talk together about ideas you have had that are calculated to enhance the contribution of love that each of you wants to make? Can you agree to set aside all thinking that relates to how you want term separation nid a marriage? the OTHER fellow to change? (Leaving the other fellow with the opportunity of doing that thinking for himself). Perhaps you will want to ‘consider getting counselling during the separation, but I feel it would be better to “go it alone” the first time. (What am I saying? Here I am a counsellor and advising you to “go it alone.” I must be slipping!) And finally, can you agree to each of you searching into your own best self to see if you are using all the resources that are your own as a part of your life? And, less importantly, can you agree to write this column again in a month or so, telling us the ways in which each of ‘you have been bringing more and more to - your relationship? Best wishes! To each of you, I say, “It’s up to YOU. It is NOT up to the other guy!” din all of us is the child’s freedom to be appreciative. When a child likes you or likes anything, one seems able to KNOW that he does. When a child is appreciative, he lets you know that he feels it. He shows his ap- preciation. He tells you, “Gee, that’s neat!” Two more childlike qualities that are on my list are reckless- ness and the ability to learn from one’s recklessness. There is a_ delightful abandon and = imocent freedom to “take a chance” that is most admirable in a child. All too often, we adults have to be absolutely certain of a move before we'll consider taking it. By and large, I get the feeling that we adults are too carefal for our own good. We need the childlike quality of being able to shoot the works. In adults, adverse results arising from our taking a chance, seem too often altogether, to throw us into a lizzy or a depression or guilt trip. With a child, there is usually enough flexibility to learn from the experience and get on with the next thing in life. All those qualities appeal to me tremendously. You too? I wonder what Jesus meant when he said (in the brashly revised version of H.S.) Unless you turn and become more like kids, you'll have a rough time and miss the most important things in life. As I say, 'm just wondering about that, and, with a child- like sense of wonder. Enough? oh AT ; oS NY wy Comfortable and , Eye Catching eps ad 2 Brown Rattan Rocker 3 2Q $169.50 Note from Stewart: Referring back a few week © to letrers about furcoats and related subjects, Sheila Urbanek writes. as folows: The Fur-Bearers Society, for the abolition of cruel trapping methods has been in existence for four or five years. The Society's activity includes pushing the provincial government to keep its word in eliminating cruel trapping methods; making and showing extra- ordinary movies on trapping in B.C. and putting on displays in malls and at the Pacific National Exhibition. “Furbearers” have many North Shore members and would welcome newcomers. The Association office is at 1316 E. 12th Avenue, Vancouver. The ‘phone. number is 874-3717. On being critical QUESTION: Why am I so darn critical all the time? STEWART: Quite often a person is “so darn critical” of others because he is very critical of himself. We want to show up the other fellow with the hope that we will show off ourselves. If I can turn the attention of others to what's wrong someplace, | am less apt to have them give their attention to what's wrong in me. (I am aware | have oversimplified). C5-Wednesday, January 30, 1980 - North Shore News ask hayden stewart - Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242 forappointments for individual, family or group counselling. His new office in the International Plaza Hotel (Open Tuesdays only} is for the convenience of North Shore residents is our specialty! Your home is probably your biggest asset. Why not improve on it with a lovely new kitchen? 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