46 ~ Wednesday, February 8, 1989 - North Share News —— LIFESTYLES Save marriage by practising self-control Q. WHEN I was 23 I had my first sexual encounte: with a man and at the time I wanted more than a sexual relation- ship with him. We did break up, however. Now, four years later, he is back in my life, but Tam marricd anc have two littl boys. The trouble is, } am separated from my hus- hand because of a financial set- suck and am very vulnerable. Please help! A. You have to get through this separation and get back with your husband with your marriage intact. OK? Forced separations do happen in real life and marriages survive them. The separation is not easy, but you have to use your head and your self-control, and if you have never practised self-control now is the time to start. Don't just sit with nails digging into your palms er your thighs! Think of alf the reasons you have for protecting your marriage — and protect it. Stop secing the guy. Tell him you want to stay faithful and married. Fill your time with constructive things to do, and be sure to have company — women friends, fami- ly, neighbor women you swap babysitting and other favors with. If you beiong to a synagogue or church, go there and volunteer for those things a mother with two small children has time for. If you have faith, you need it now. Go to it. Q. My girifriend and I have becn THAT'S HOW MANY CANADIANS PLAY “OLDTIMERS” HOCKEY having problems for months, We get into a fight and break off and then she calls or FE call. Then we start all over again. Now she has piven up and I don't want to. What can [ do? ask Dr. Ruth Dr. Ruth Westheimer A. There is no easy answer to this because some couples really love each other and go on like this the rest of their lives, with periods of intense happiness and periods of anger, loneliness, loss and misery. PEATIOFOONELS I am not the one to tell such people to quit on each other, but it is possible to learn that there will be fights, that a fight doesa's last forever. And it is possible to learn what to do about a fight, so that if i¢ happens at 8 a.m., it will be over and the couple speaking to each other 2; 9, or at 8:10. With prac- tice . ‘can make the mad periods shor, ~ Maybe you can never avoid the fights, but you can realize that they are ‘‘only fights,"’ not the end of love and happiness in this life. You and your girl are not unique in having this problem. Unique in many ways, no doubt, but not in this. In fact, your behavior as a cou- ple has been called, for untold generations, ‘‘lovers' quarrels." Other people smiic at these disrup- tions; the lovers don't, Other peo- pie expect them; the lovers don’t. Not until they learn to discount them. You say she has given up. I say you should try a few more times to get her back -—~ and have an agreement about avoiding fights and, even more important, about ending them. Q. For my family I pretend [ am not gay, hut this makes me miserable. I feel that I am living behind a shadow that is supposed to be me, yet I don’t want to hurt them or turn them against me. A. I don’t want to make your problem: seem smaller than it is to you, because | know it is a difficult one. But to some extent every human being has to come to (terms with himself or herself, with what she or he is — that is maturity. And then ong has to come to (erms with what one’s family is. Some families can accept @ gay son or daughter, some never can. Maybe your family just isn’t big cnough or strong enough to deal with your problem. Learning to accept that is maturity, too. A tot of gay people never tet! their families. This may actually be an unspoken agreement -—- the family really knows but will not speak of it. | don’t think it is always wisest to force the family to acknowledge or accept. Many people disagree with me. Consider my advice, make up your own mind. As | usually do, I suggest that you contact this organization for guidance: Institute for Human Identity, 490 West End Avenue, New York, NY 10024. Q. My wife has lost interest in sex. How can we locate a reputable sex therapist? A. In that university town where you live it should be easy. Phone the big hespital and ask for a referral to a sex clinic or sex ther- apist. If this doesn't satisfy you, write for information to this ad- dress; American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, §1 Dupont Circle NW, Suite 220, W/ashingten, DC 20036. A reputable therapist is a thera- pist with a good reputation, but remember that the first one you and your wife see may not be ideal for you. If you have 2 choice, it may be necessary for you to try someone who seems to understand you and your wife better as in- dividuals. It really may be best to switch therapists, so be ready to discuss that possibility. A good therapist will understand and will not try to hang on to you or em- barrass you about changing.