em, 62 - Wednesday, July 27, 1988 - North Shore News SEXUAL ADVICE Q. YOU HAVE mentioned something called a missed orgasm. I have never quite understood that term. Am I that familiar 40-year-old woman who has never had an orgasm? Or, maybe, I just never noticed that I was having one? How could that be? A. Women’s sexual responses have been recorded in lab research, where the missed orgasm was first observed. Their breathing, pulse- rates and changes in color in various areas have been filmed. For instance, a blush occurs above the breasts during orgasm. There are contractions. All this can be recorded and observed. But some women have been observed to have all the physical changes associated with orgasm, but are not aware of them in the brain, or at least not able to recognize them as pleasurable. So we have records of women who thought they never had orgasnis, but in fact were having them and missing the pleasure of the experi- ence. We very often talk of women who do not ‘‘permit’’ themselves to reach orgasm. There are deep doubts in the minds of many women that prevent them from en- joying the experience of sexual pleasure. There are fears, weli-grounded, of becoming pregnant, of becom- ing enslaved by their partners or of losing control and becoming unat- tractive or brutish. There is a specific fear of pass- ing right out of consciousness — something they have heard or read may produce this fear, though such loss of awareness, if in fact it occurs, is only momentary. And there is the fear of not be- ing able to have an orgasm, which prevents the orgasm from happen- ing or prevents the woman from recognizing it. So we teach learning to have orgasms and learning to recognize them; we teach having fantasies or streams of pleasurable, positive thoughts which block out worries and external concerns like house- hold or office work. Before going to a sex therapist, a woman can read informative books on the subject and try to concentrate on the experience itself, keeping in mind that there is always sex therapy to turn (o. Sometimes women have gentler sexual experiences after a certain age and begin to worry that they are Josing the capacity for sex. Truthfully, after a certain age both men and women have more mod- erate sexual responses, but stil! en- joyable. And, with greater wisdom and mental peace, older people often find the later enjoyment of shared sex to be the best they have ever experienced, Q. My partner is considerate, and when I talk to him about what { need sexually, he listens atten- tively and agrees to try to de what 1 ask. But all this departs his mind when we have sex. This has hap- pened repeatedly and I suspect it is out of his control. What can be done? A. When this happens I think sexual therapy is definitely in- dicated. | mean going together to a Schools win awards THREE NORTH Shore secondary schools — Hillside, Handsworth and Seycove — have earned cash awards for their innovative traffic safety projects. ICBC invited all schools in the province to submit an = entry describing traffic safety projects undertaken to make the roads a ” safer place. The schools receive a $300 cash award. Winners also receive an engraved plaque and an awards certificate to display in their school. The School Traffic Safety Awards program is a_ province- wide annual program designed to encourage student participation in school and community traffic safe- ty activities. The program is coor- dinated by ICBC for the governm- ent of B.C. THE CHILDREN'S SHOE STORE FINAL CLEARANCE PRICES B99 oe 9O9P SARDALS, RUNNERS, SHOES CAPILANO MALL 935 MARINE DR., N. VANCOUVER : 986-4450 : LIFESTYLES sex therapist and discussing the problem and getting guidance. The therapist can often give the couple ways to overcome ingrained behavior. This is needed because, even with good intentions, the lover loses the best use of his or her mind during the excitement of sex. He has to acquire strong habits that will continue even when he no longer has the best mental control of his actions. Dr. Ruth Ruth Westheimer Besides the excitement, the man often has strong fears of losing his erection. In the long run, this would not be a disaster, but it is hard to convince men of this. In the excitement of the encounter it seems as though this erection is all-important. If once lost, it seems to the man, it will prove to be the a WAC ONE, 812 PIECE SET ¢ Umbrella e 4 Cushions * 4 - 3-pos. Chairs ¢ Table : 6 Piece Set : TABLES 10 SIZES AND DESIGNS h From 49% to $495° | Metal, Resin, Wood, etc. LOUNGES From 89°° to °465°° Steel, Resin, Aluminum Table, 4 resin chairs & umbrella last erection in life. So we have a course of therapy that overcomes this bugbear that men have. Q. When you wrote that self- gratification does not impair 2 man’s shared sexual performance, you sure gave my husband am- munition for his side. This is what he always says. But when we got married 35 years ago, it was a month before we had sex. There was then another pause of two months. After that it was nine months before we had sex again. Over the years it has been six to 12 months between sexual en- counters — but he has always had his interest in self-gratification. Let me tell you, it is getting to be dif- ficult to love him at a distance. He claims that when we do have sex it is terrific. He won’t consider going to a sex therapist. A, You have an unusual story to tell, and it is not about how self- gratification spoiled his sexual per- formance. For some reason he does not have much interest in having sex with you. And for some reason you have been willing to put up with this. You don’t seem to understand the basis of this marital history yourself, and you mighi talk it over with a counsellor so that you would at least realize what has happened. e Base © Oltoman “Ree sae 699 $9900 Cash & Carry UMBRELLAS OVER A HUNDRED iN STOCK $29° to 269° 15-40% OFF CHAIRS NINE DESIGNS IN RESIN From §15% to $189°° OPEN FRIDAYS TIL 9 p.m, Sunday 12-5 p.m. This story is a far cry from that of mosi marriages, in which men who have gratified themselves be- fore marriage continue to have an interest in marital sex.‘ Whether they perform well in bed or not, most husbands have a history of self-gratification. In almost all cases, sex therapists find that soli- tary sex has nothing to do with a marital sex problem. An exception: When a husband comes with his wife to a sex thera- pist, wanting to improve their sex life, he may still be experiencing a loss of interest in actually having sex with his wife. So sometimes he is told to desist from self-stimula- tion for a period, in order to raise his sexual drive. But most men, having had un- shared sex, are definitely interested in sex with a female partner and can have terrific shared sex, very often without ever needing help from a sex therapis!. OK? ELECTROLUX FILTER QUEEN COMPACT KIRBY * Hoover ° Panasonic ¢ Sears sy * Eureka e Baycrest ° Viking