NEWS photo Neil Lucente JEFF AND Marilyn Zak proudly hold son Joshua who was born on Good Friday. Joshua is the Zak’s second child, born after their infant daughter died tragically last year of a rare heart disorder. TOUGHLOVE DISHES OUT STRONG PARENTING PHILOSOPHY ‘Straighten up or get out’ We watch, immobilized, as our children and young adults willingly dance to the tune of their own self-destruction. Like children stamped out of some satanic laboratory, they share an underlying selfishness and similar ways of demonstrating it — Toughlove manual for parents. THE COMPLAINTS range from drug abuse to physical abuse. Some kids will not come home, others will not leave. Some refuse to go to school, and others refuse to look for a job. Some parents live in fear of their children. These were the concerns ex- pressed by parents at a meeting of the North Shore chapter of Toughlove. Toughlove is an organization of Parent support groups who subscribe to a hard line philosophy — based on the books Toughlove and Toughlove Solutions — of dealing with difficult or problem children. Written by an American couple who had trouble with their adoles- cent daughter, the books are re- quired reading for members of the Toughlove groups. The North Shore group meets once a week, and as the parents enter the hall, they put on name tags and place a colored sticker on the tag. If they are wearing a green sticker, the group knows that everything is fine at home. If they have chosen a red sticker, there is a _ crisis, and a yellow sticker denotes ‘ something in between. There are many ‘‘greens’’ at the meeting of 20 parents. Susan, a coordinator, says there are 50 members, and 30 of thin attend regularly. They come from all economic classes, she said, and there are both couples and single parents involved. Often only one spouse will attend, while the other rejects the concept of Toughlove. Each member will discuss his current situation with a small group, and others will try to offer solutions to problems. The parent then writes down a plan of action for the week, and takes a name of ‘a supporting member to call be- tween meetings. Tke North Shore group agreed ‘to allow their situations to be printed, but all names have been By JUSTINE HUNTER Contributing Writer changed. Mary’s daughter has been steal- ing from her and coming home drunk. “I can see this hatred in her,”. she told the group. ‘‘She tells me she enjoys risk-taking. She threatens suicide. We were talking and she pulled out this hunting knife and she was waving it around while we talked.’’ The group ‘brainstorms’ and makes suggestions for Mary. Some she resists, others she accepts. Sandra’s son has attacked her, and broken into the house when she tried to lock him out. ‘‘I will not put myself in danger again with this knife business. The police have advised me not to let him in, and the house is now secure. He has been charged with breaking and entering and assault.’’ She hasn’t told her son where she works. Margaret begins: ‘‘Nothing is working. At 12 o'clock, if she’s not home, we lock the door.’’ This is the Toughlove method for en- forcing curfews. A supporting member will shelter the child, but few kids take up the offer. “But she just crawls in the win- dow, or goes and sleeps with some boy up the road. The father is there, hut he is not too much into discipline, and she’s twice as big as me. She calls the shots.” Another parent has asked group members to visit his son in a detoxification centre, but warns the boy has been charged with a ‘very violent assauit.’’ The parent support extends from telephone calls, to converging on 3 - Sunday, May 3, 1987 ~ North Shore News with baby boy A NORTH Vancouver couple whose young daughter died of heart complications last year are counting their blessings after the birth of a son on Good Friday. Jeff and Marilyn Zak said the arrival of Joshua Joseph, their healthy eight- pound boy, has rekindled memories of their daughter’s fight for life. Rebecca Zak, who had a con- genital heart condition, underwent four operations to untwist her main heart arteries. Her final operation, last May, lasted 15- hours at Toronto Sick Children’s Hospital. The wide-eyed, quiet girl was described as the ‘miracle baby’ by doctors, who had never performed such a long operation on a child her age. But Rebecca, whose story was told in the News, died June 4. One month later Marilyn discovered she was pregnant. “TI was very thankful pregnant,”’ said Marilyn. “Not that it would ever replace Rebecca. But it was a real bless- ing.’’ She said Joshua is a healthy baby, gaining 1% ounces every day. “‘He’s quite a character. He’s completely different than Rebecca to be By KIM PEMBERTON News Reporter — alot more active.” Monies raised by the community to help Rebecca were donated by the Zaks to a Vancouver family, whose two-year-old son needed heart surgery and intestinal surgery. The Zaks donated $2,000 to the family —- monies that had been raised by Marilyn’s co-workers at B.C. Tel. The boy’s father also worked for B.C. Tel. Another $2,100 was raised by Jeff's co-workers at Vancouver Pre-Trial Services, North Shore Lions Club, Westlynn Baptist Church and from individuals in the community. That money was given to the Vancouver Children’s Hospital, where it was used to buy a con- tinuous temperature probe. Jeff said he believes the true miracle of Rebecca was that it brought out the best in people, who supported the family in their time of need. py YOUR TEENAGE Weather: Sunday and Monday, mostly cloudy with a chance of showers. Tussday, mostly sunny. Highs near 15°C. INDEX Doug Collins Comics Editorial Page Fashion Lifestyles Mailbox... What's Going On... .47 Ree “ “phen TROUBLED RS: NEWS photo Neil Lucento SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD Argyle Secondary student Tim Lay does not agree with the Toughlove philosophy. Some parents, however, are finding that being tough with their children is the best method of keeping them out of trouble. teens who are beyond their parents’ control. Steve has been called out to deal with some of these kids. ‘tA lot of the time the violence stops when a stranger walks in the door,’’ he says, Stressing that the parents need this support, because the teens have their own network for support with their peers. He has one child in the care of the Ministry of Social Services and Housing. He and other Toughlove parents are not happy with the foster care system. ‘Social Services gives the children what they want. If you give them what they want, there’s no argument from them. The average family doesn’t have those resources. It’s probably nicer to be in care than to be out. I’ve never heard a child complain about being in care,’’ he says. The book stresses that Toughlove does not advocate kick- ing unmanageable children out of the house. But if nothing else works, it suggests that parents offer their children a structured choice: to straighten up or get out. In such situations other parents -in the group offer temporary hous- ing, or arrangements are made, with the appropriate social services authorities. Carol Wood, from the North Vancouver branch of Social Ser- vices, said she is familiar with the local Toughlove group, which has been in operation for two years. ‘In the main, I would say children who are having problems — these are not isolated pro- blems,’’ Wood said. ‘‘They are part and parcel of what is going on in the family. Kids don’t all of a sudden develop problems. | know how hard it is for parents to accept this. “The Toughlove notion is that if ; they take a firm stand and are consistent, the problem will go away, and I think this is a really simplistic way of looking at it,” she said. Parents or professionals inter- ested in Toughlove should conitact Susan at 984-2190.