44 - Sunday, February 4, 1990 - North Shore News LIFESTYLES DID YOU SLEEP WELL LAST NIGHT? Avoid discussing food preferences DEAR MISS MANNERS — While my husband and I are not Orthodox Jews, we find many Jewish customs and rit- uals personally meaningful. For this reason, we abstain from eating pork products and shelifish, and we do not consume meat and dairy products at the same meal. In our own home or with close friends (even non-Jewish friends), this is not considered unusual. Sometimes when we have at- tended social events where things we do not eat were served, there have been problems. When asked if we would care to partake of the baked ham, beef stroganoff, barbecued shrimp, oysters in bacon, or other excluded foods, we try to refuse politely. I always thought that “No, thank you,”’ or ‘‘Really, I don't care for any,” in a polite and friendly tone, would be sufficient indication that we really don’t want to eat that particular dish. Lately, however, we have run into a type of host or feliow guest who insists that we simply must try some. At this juncture, I usually say that we have persona! reasons for refusing. This is where the po- ing gets really ugly. On more than one occasion, an explanation has been demanded, which the host or fellow guest pro- ceeds to ridicule. We have been told that we are living in the dark ages, that we are depriving our children of proper nutrition, and that we are upholding ignorant superstitions. Is it now acceptable for hosts to berate their guests in this way, or for guests to berate other guests? Should my husband and I be Prepared to defend our choices? Or should we simply not accept any more invitations? GENTLE READER — As you well know, insulting other people’s religious practices, embarrassing guests, and monitoring other peo- ple’s eating habits and child-rear- ing practices are all intensely rude, and always will be. Checking up on what other people eat and don’t eat has indeed become common, but that does nothing to excuse it. However, Miss Manners doesn’t want you to have to give up social life in order to avoid this. Just refuse to enter into any such discussions. A small amount of indignation — not enough to start a fight, just enough to discourage people from pushing you — is in order. When you declare it is a per- sonal matter, do so with conversa- tion-ending firmness. Further questions should be answered by repeating the statement (“I believe [ said it is a personal matter’’) and rude comments should be de- nounced with an amazed ‘! beg your pardon!" Business-like approach taken From page 43 With the exception of the pro- vince’s three universities, the SWAP | students who graduate from Grade 12 can attend any post-secondary institution without having to complete upgrading courses. Blain says an average of four or five of the graduating stu- dents go on to college. while sev- eral others are also put back into the regular school system. But Blain says SWAP will not take just any student who can’t cope in the mainstream educa- tional system. He says they have to be committed to wanting to come back to school. DEAR MISS MANNERS — When a waitress asks ‘‘How is everything’’ aren't we supposed to answer truthfully? miss manners Judith Martin I recently told a waitress the prime rib was awful and I just couldn’t eat it. She said, ‘‘I’m sorry.’’ I replied, ‘‘it's not your fault,’ and proceeded to eat my salad and potate only. About 10 minutes later, the owner of the restaurant (a fine supper club) came to our table and said: ‘‘Do we have a problem here? I heard you don’t like our prime. I cooked it myself. My family and f ate it. There’s nothing wrong with it, and I think you owe the waitress an apology. She feets so intimidated by you that she won't even come back to your table.” I said nothing further. Shortly thereafter I paid my entire bill and left, vowing to never return. I was very upset about being yelled at because I told the truth about the meat. Some of my friends thought the owner should have offered something else or reduced the tab because § did not eat the meat. What should I have said? ‘It’s OK” (when in truth it was awful, just to please the waitress and the owner? GENTLE READER — Not only the prime rib, but everyone in this unfortunate anecdote seems to be unfit to be in a restaurant. A shrewd — to say nothing of polite — restaurateur not only would have refrained from yelling at a customer but would have seen to it that the customer did not go away unsatisfied. Cancelling the bill or substituting an acceptable meal are two ways of doing this. A good waitress would have alerted the owner to the problem rather than going emotionally to pieces, which seems psychological- ly excessive, even to gentle Miss Manners. But you were being inappropri- ately humble. If the food was truly inedible — not if you changed your mind about what you wanted to order — you should have polite- ly called it to the waitress’s atten- tion before she asked. Insisting on value for money is not rude, pro- vided it is not rudely done. For this reason, Miss Manners has always believed, ‘‘is everything all right?”” to be a silly question. But this does not entitle the askers to guaranteed silly answers. DEAR MISS MANNERS — We have been entertained by many people in our community. Our home is not large enough to ac- commodate 100 or so guests. Is it proper to separate our parties into a few separate occasions? Have you any suggestions about how my invitations should be worded? GENTLE READER — It occurs to Miss Manners that what may be troubling you is the suspicion that the guests will all find out about not only the parties to which you invite them, but the others. They will then assume ihat any party to which they were not invited must be the A-list party. Well, so be it. You can’t invite everyone to everything. Indeed, these 100 or so people did not all entertain you together at one gath- ering. To entertain at one gathering yourself would be to make it ob- vious that this was a payoff party, not an occasion on which you could see your dear hosts again. The invitation for a medium- sized informal gathering — Miss Manners is not asking you to entertain them individually for a hundred weeks — is usually “cocktails, 5 to 7 p.m.’’ or whatever time you set. A more formal gathering is called a recep- tion. 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