G2 - Wednesday, November 21 . 1990 - North Shore News EERE. J WE! LIFESTYLES Uptight husband makes situation impossible Dr. Ruth Westheimer I THINK affairs are but I am having Q. wrong, one. My husband and I are both in our 26s and have been married for five years. lL love him, but I am so bored with him sexually I haven't been able to resain faithful to him this past year. He is very uptight and insecure adout himself sexually. I've tried everything, including sexy lingerie, which he said made me look **cheap,”’ x-rated videos, which he found “morally reprehensible,’’ and talking dirty to him during sex, which made him get out of bed and leave the room. Then I gave up and decided to submit to the missionary position once a week to keep him happy. He is happy. Meanwhile, | have a lover. Yet I don't want a divorce. My husband won't see a sex therapist. He refuses to even discuss our sex life or anything else he considers a ‘‘relationship problem.”’ What can I do? A. You must talk to someone yourself because you are in an impossible position! You believe affairs are wrong, but you are having one. The situation is going to cause guilt and pain. A counsellor can help you deal with your own feelings and sug- gest ways of getting your husband to talk about the problems. Good luck! Q. Can a man live to be 42 — almost 43 — and have sex prob- lems without knowing he has them? ASK DR. RUTH Recently I started dating a very sexy lady of 24. We went to bed on the third date, which is par for these times. I thought the sex was great, and she didn’t complain. We had sex two more times after that. Then she said she didn’t want toe go to bed with me anymore unless I was willing to change something. U asked wat. She gave me a book, Mile Sex- uality by Bernie Zilberge'd, which she says you often recerimend in your column, and tolé me to read the part on premature ejaculation. Nobody ever told me {i had this problem before. Is she just expec- ting me to last longer than other women did? Pm still bot at her for giving me the book and iiaven’t seen her since. But I have to admit Pve love to have sex watt her again. What should I do? A. You have te slecide whether you are more “hyo:*? at her — or for her! Ef you want to go to bed with her again, you will have to read the book. She has made that clear. Yes, 1 do recommend Zilbergeld's took. And, yes, it is possible to live to be 40 without knowing ycu have a problem with premature ejaculation if no woman hii ever told you so. Maybe your partners have been flattering you. | can’t say for sure if you do or don’t, Why don't you read the book? G. My wife does not want to have sex anymore until she has a face fift. We are both in our 50s and take good care of our bodies. But the idea of cosmetic surgery is repulsive to me. f don’t understand how people could be so vain they would sub- mit to the knife purely for vani- ty's sake. This has become a sore point between us. She says she no longer feels sexually attractive because her ‘‘old’’ face is killing her libido. I still find her attractive. If I want her, shouldn't that be enough for her? Do you think she is using sex as a bargaining chip so FI agree to the face lift for her? ve never heard of a woman losing interest in sex because of a few wrinkles in her face. A. Women, more than men, need to feel good about themselves to feel sexy. Even though your wife looks good to you, she doesn’t look that good to herself anymore. Whether or not to get cosmetic surgery is a very personal deci- sion. | can't make it for her. You can't either, I would advise her to talk to a counsellor about her feelings. It sounds like her lack of interest in sex is genuinely tied to low self- esteem, t don’t think she is using sex as a “‘bargaining chip.’’ Encourage her to talk to someone. And, then let her make up her own mind about the face lift. 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