TO-EXPO to have didate in the U.S. whose whatlit takes to tike what-you've got. Patrick: Reid was not on-hand to greet him, Ui'sad sioner 10 say, but even.the finest diplomats.c I'm talking ‘about my’ old friend James Boren, ‘satirist, word-and- phrase, faventor, author of the classic book Fuczzifvl atid world- champion mumbler | (see: below) who owas up here from Washington, D.C. to collect a few humble Canadian dotkirs on ‘the lecture circuit, He and wife Alice, Gray Eyes vand | rendezvoused at the John Lennon ear near the Brit Pavilion. Viell chem that Jim Pattison paid $2. million: for the thing. Boren thinks it was a trifle overpriced, f.: Pattison should also have’ been on parade to greet my distinguish- ed“) guest, | but! i was’: probably slobuting: (Globate: to deal with the big picture in- the largest sense.) Jim (Boren) not Pattison) is the founder of INATAPROBU,: the International Society of - Profes- sional Bureaucrats, of which 1 am an. honorary. member. IN- ATAPROBU specializes’ in gum- ming up works that already have Jots of gum in them. Our man also produced the im- mortal : bureaucratic:, dictum: “‘When in charge, ponder. When in. trouble, delegate. When in doubt, mumble."’ When really impressed by a gum-up, he hands out Orders of the. Bird, fantastic creations that you would - not’: want’.on: your mantelpiece: Trudeau got one and Brian _ Baloney is’ sure to be similarly honored sooner or later. Ronald Reagan has had a couple, but hasn’t yet invited Jim to din- ‘ner-at the White House. ‘That’s because he’s too. busy rostrating. (Rostrate: to thunderate: from a rostrum, in’ a ‘manncr that minimizes transfer of: information: ) The president, says my: friend, has. proved himself .in) many respects (0 be a master of dynamic inaction'— doing nothing but do- ing it with stytefas in the acid rain He. attributes “this ~ to Reagan’s being a seeret devotee of the Goddess Postponia, EXPO’ is bringin significant in- crease ‘tlocal businesses, .. but police. wart “an increase may also be «seen::ih. the number of fraudulent cheques. The .B.C. Police Commission _ has outlined safeguards businesses -can:take to prevent crime ‘against retail business. The following are tips: to keep in mind when accep- : ting cheques. When. cashing owners . and remember to check for. the follow- cheques store ing: =the. current. date, “correct - amount, clearly identified bank or ‘ branch,” does: the’ signature com- pare. with other identification and is the cheque endorsed? Do :not: accept’ post-dated che- —ques:and cheques over one month old... Don’t ‘accept: a cheque that » shows signs of changes —- have the “maker rewrite the cheque. .: | cheque in your presence have him “endorse it while. you watch. employees. ‘should . lunch With a former presidential. can- ‘ampaign slogan was bh have Expo. Commis- an err. Jim is married to Canada, wife Alice being 4 BLCé girl. She is also the daughterof Laurence Jo Peter. who wrote Whe Peter Principle. (Cina hierarchy, people tend (0 rise ‘to their’ level of incompetence.) “Quit while you're behind,” ad- Vises Professor Peters! Casting his cheery gaze on the » Canadian, scene, Jim says there's no point-in Brian, Baloney's put- ting ca ctariff- on) American Christmas trees in retaliation for the shakes and shingles hit. That is simply ploppling. (Plopple: to initiate a series of, non-splashing plops. that may be composed of failed policies or. programs” that bombed. Plopples ‘are flops that have plunged downward, whereas flops. merely topple.) Reagan: never notices friendly foreign flops and plopples, says’ Jim; who knows what he’s talking about, having once been in: the State Department. To get the president's attention, you. have to invade Point Roberts or cut off Cruise Missile: testing: All else is laincompoopifying ‘wasting. | resources with brillia mismanagement. Ronnie,” said Jim Greek shishkabob, convertéd} the Shamrock Summit into the! ‘Valley of the Shadow of Shingles). and Shakes, and - Baloney, was left holding the Blarney Bag. « Did I mention: Expo? Jim and. Alice. thought’ it was. great; And: Pattison, said. Jim, is’ entitled to pompistriat: (To strul with op- timal pomposity.) We need more. visitors like these. They don’t even mind up- _ lining, a word thought up hy. Col-. lins in revenge for the ridiculous: upcoming favored by media peo-! ple -who like to -play “at being Hemingway. ‘But I digress: The Saskatchewan Pa vilion i im- pressed them, with. its‘ touching film-and-stage show which, said Jim, made hint feel good..And on such things he never: fuzzifies.. > 5 That pavilion will never-get the Order of the Bird." : “yfin doubt, note’ the description “of the maker:on the back of the cheque —‘don’t rely on memory..: Call the bank on which the che~ ‘ ‘que is drawn if. you are worried. But remember all the bank can do |: is confirm the state of the account and .not. whether there. are ‘suffi-: cient funds to. cover the cheque. Accepting. out-of-town cheques increases the risk and. reduces the’: chance | to recover funds lost to!’ mistakes or fraud. Don't fet the client hurty you in- : to accepting his cheque. _ Be wary of anyone who presents a cheque larger.than’ required for.’ the . transaction “and . wants the change in cash. Beware of clients who are indig- nant at requests for adequate iden- tification. »: : Limit authority to accept: che- . = ques to designated employees and’ If the. ctient does not-write the * have them initial every cheque ace: cepted... - : Deposit all cheques’ Promptly. re " mr oe . = ‘ _— . NORTH VANCOUVER—GRANVILLE ISLAND—EXPO | Vie depart reguiary tram the Lonsdate Ouiy (aur terminal is just west yf the Seanus) and travel divectly to Gran! pile Istand and the Marines > Gate al Expo 86 DAILY 5 SCHEDULE OF DEPARTURES — LONSDALE : GRANVILLE EXPO 86 * GRANVILLE | QUAY ISLAND MARINE GATE ISLAND ? 5; AUDA per é a ae ga i Ae teers oo SUNSET CAUISE rN oh — FARES — \ Lonsdale Quay to Granite iste. of Eapo Belween Granville Is. and Espo only Feegagt tg Testy, 1 eS) pin Ene eungpt re aoa TEL: 987. 0939 DIscova Vancouver, Harbé Hour-long guided, tours ‘dep atl ; tegularly. from.Lons#ale Quay-&: Gastown 681. “4180.