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page 4 - April 14, 1976 - North Shore News

QUESTION: Iseem obsessed
with a strong fear of hurting
people by saying ‘no’.

Here’s what happened last
week. A former man of mine,

_ whom I turned down three or

four years ago, came to town
for a four day visit from the |
States, where he now lives. I
locked forward to seeing him
again and having some fun ©
with him and I guess I had a
little ripple of hope that the

_things in him that I did not

like before” might have
changed enough to spark a
new relationship. This hope
was not a big thing with me,
but it was there.

QUESTION: You keep sayin

some preity darn controver-
sial things in your answers to -
letters that are sent in to you,

and yet there doesn’t seem to
be any controversy crop up
as a result. Do you get letters.
about what you have said? If
you do, why don’t you print
them? If you don’t, have you
got any explanation of why? -

A group of our ‘friends
quite often read your column
out loud and get into some
pretty warm discussions
about your replies. More
‘often than not most of us go
along with your answers, but
‘sometimes there is a real
difference of opinion. Some |
6f us would like to read your
reactions to our. disagree-

_ments with you. —

The last thing we. didn’t
like in your column was your.
crack about churches being,
in your opinion, places where

’ men went to meet women —-
something like Parents With-
out Partners. © Most. of us:

thought that:.was a cheap»
shot. Well what do you say

to getting some. come-backs?,,

STEWART: 1. No, don’t get |
many letters. about what I
have included i in the column.

However, it was no. ‘time. '
till I realized that I was not

interested in a big thing with
him. Now here’s where the
trouble started. I Hke him
and wanted to be nice to him,

but that was aii. ‘He,
however, ‘wanted to put on
the pressure for what he kept
calling 2 a commitment.

loo hurt that I. right
ony fe fie + felt eulty and still do. i

.. sent him back to Idaho a very

sad person. For that, I. am
suffering. How can I say no
and just let it go at that? |

2. The. only reason I can

think of that would explain |
‘the lack of controversy over |.
controversial columns is that | |
I am not promoting ‘a point of

view.

an

3. Sure, I would go along
‘with receiving (and releasing
and commenting -upon)

‘**come-backs’”” to the

column. Good idea! ..

4. About “what you call a

cheap shot about the
churches (and abdut PWP),
be sure to read the column.
‘before you «go to all: the
trouble ‘of writing -in_ ‘you

reactions to it. For example, I.
_ did ‘not say what: you.
-attribute to.me. I quoted one -

_ very, frustrated .and erratic.
-woman who told me how: 8

felt about her’ church exper-

ience.

Your ¢ comments ‘about pre-
vious ‘column:
lappily welcomed

.I’dlovet

them. ;

Hockey is hubby's

QUESTION: Now come’ the |
Stanley Cup play-offs and the |

great big finals. And. now

comes the’ time when my.
‘husband ) won't. think of.

anything clse but. He'll be

glued to the tube for game

after ‘game. .while I am
supposed to meekly accept It
and leave him alone. He'll
say to me, It only happens
once a year. Why don’t you
find. something to do with
yourself?

1 don't. WANT to “find

something to’ do. with my-
self’?, I want to do something
whith film! Tthink ho Is being

vory. selfish. What have. you

got to my about ee -

eoTOW Hav ‘you: had: - SrewAtth: Niasy'b tte ha

tom doctors, come from: the Bead do doctor
tour. oo ebinmeenis ofa) Do you suppose VT dre
' oi wooks. pack concern:
. ing ' dittical |

7

.“*It only happens once a year.
Why don’t you find some-
thing: to do :with yourself?’’
One of the facts of your life is
that you have a husband who
really enjoys the play-offs.

'

‘

Why not offer him the fun
of watching them without the |
hehvy feeling of ‘‘poor me’’
weighing down on him as
your contribution to the

. relationship? ‘If: you would

,, decide ‘against: insisting. on.
being snitty, you'really.could :

enjoy the time he is watching «
the games by doing some: :
thing you want to do. a you

ue a telepho ¢. reply!

ae would - be:

| always. ‘welcome. Mail them to

| HAYDEN. STEWART,
hide behind. the sofa while’ STEWART,. c/o the

your ‘group is discussing

STEWART: I've. got to , say,
- with your friends, paint. the

in this, you'll put yourselves

may help you. First, look at

the alternatives. One of them

is-a ‘yes’ instead of. a ‘no’.
Obviously, this fellow to
whom you say ‘no’ would be
a lot worse off with a ‘yes’
from a woman whose heart is
not init. You are doing him a
big favour with your’ ‘no’,
" even if he is not wise enough

I gave him my ‘no’, put he to see that.- Your “no” is a

kindness to him.

My second suggestion is
for you to permit yourself a

Freelance “Counsello ~

private m tinyden .

great deal of: group

~ He:
261-6242 for. Information and
appointments. . Letters’ are

North Shore News, #202-1139
Lonsdale, North Var. |

hookey |

insist on, “doing something
with him’’, he won’t: ‘enjoy it |
and neither will you.

Read sontething, ‘go out

‘kitchen, go for a walk, have a‘
sleep, write those letters you
owe. : If you’don't accept him -

in a position where nobody Hi
wins, I've got an idea! Why.
not amble down toa decent,
book-store © and pick up,

‘*How ‘to Live with ‘Another .

Person’’ and read it during |
the games. It’s, constructive

and. chock fall: of ideas thot jm .

will. help ‘you improve the. ,

‘quality. of ‘your: relationship ,
Nut, |i

_ with old: ‘Hockey: Nu
yous ‘might: Menen:
“hockey, play-offs!’

STEWART: Two suggestions -pelongs properly to every

n be: contacted ‘at| .

en
t “oe y

very important right that

human being: —_ the right to.
say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to. another

person regardiess of his
ability to understand you and

regardless of the gracious-

ness, or lack of it, with which |
-he is able to respond ‘to your

decision.

It is better of course, when
you are able to say your ‘no’
without hurtful intentions.

+ But you have your right to

your ‘no’. Accept that right

and use it without heaviness.

: 4879 Lonsdale; :N.V.

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