QUESTION: ( : One of the facts
of my life is very difficult for
me to handle. One piece of.
my reality is that I love two
men. I love my husband and
another man too. I have no
sense of this being “‘wrong”’

for me, but there are so many:

complexities about the situa-
' tion that Pm wondering if J
aawee tH oar

Coren GOL wrong about Bt after
all. It seems strange te he

thinking something is O.K.:

and yet being aware that the
0.K. thing is causing a lot of

troubles amd. hassles and
even deceits. Can a situation,
er rather a relationship be
geod and beautiful and
loving and yet be wrong?

a

Freelance Counsellor Hayden
_ Stewart may be reached at
261-6242 for appointments for.
individual, family or group
counselling. :
His new office in the Plaza
international Hotel
Tuesdays only) is. for the
convenience of North. Shore
‘ residents.
Letters are always welcomed.
~ Mail them to HAYDEN
STEWART, c/o The North
Shore News, #202-1139 Lons-
dale, North Vancouver.

aaa li

fe is

QUESTION: Am I supposed
‘to be a mind-reader? My wife
is falling apart because, as
she puts it, I am, ‘‘never
aware of?” her feelings. How
in he]l am I supposed to know
what her feelings are? I can’t
understand women. She has
a darn good house, her own
bank account, .her own car
and lots of freedom to pursue
her own interests. Yet she

~

keeps harping ui me about |

having no feelings for her..

If I had no feclings for her
do you think I'd give her all

thase thinao? 1 weant thin

the dhis: Yr get the
fecling she’s trying to tell me
something that she doesn’t
understand herself. Is this a
typical female attitude? 1
can’t for the life of me figure
out what more she wants.
Are all women like that?

STEWART: No, ‘‘all wo-
men” are not like that. But a
lot of them are if they are
married to men who secm
unable, or unwilling to
express well their feelings of
affection and love and
concern. Your wife is un-

_ tant to deal

. yourself

[open

Bw Wy

STEWART: I answered. a
similar question only two or

three weeks ago! It is. quite |

possible for ‘‘troubles and
hassles’’ to emerge out-of an
o.k. relationship. It is impor-
with them
honestly and - openly .and. to

‘‘work through’’ them. But
when ‘‘deceits’’
to keep the relationships

am tte L.--3

prevy
warning signal calls for your
forthright: attention. When
you must be devious about a
relationship you are on pretty
thin ice..

afloat, a

The fact that you find
being deceitful
points up one of the common
‘costs that go along with .
loving - two men in‘ a

**special’’ way. I imagine the
cost of choosing to’ be
deceitful about a -good
relationship is more than you
want to pay. The presence of |

deceit suggests that there

will probably be present (at a
cost, .again) fear,: envy,

: jealousy, self-protectiveness, a

oun

WU STIGN: Hy i get < myself into -
all "sorts of trouble by

blowing my top. What
happens is I lose my head
over -some. silly thing that
_ bugs me and before I know it

I have said some stupid thing |

that brings on’ pretty -heavy -
_results. For example, the

other day my wife and I got

into an argument-and in no

time at all I had lost my
temper and. was saying, |
O.K., that’s it. Pm getting’
out. and that’s the end. I'm
packing it in. I stormed out”
the door and was gone. I
hadn’t got out as far as the
car when I knew how stupid I
was acting and I wanted. to
turn right around & go back
in and make up to my wife.
But do you think I had
enough sense to do that? Not

doubtedly grateful for her
nice home and car and bank
account but wants something
more from you. What she
wants probably does. not

require of you that you -
. become a mind-reader, but is
would be very helpful if you

could develop some skills as
a héart-reader.

You say, ‘“‘i just can’t
understand women’’. Per-
haps you could say that you
just don't understand
people, including yourself.
There is a great hunger in
people for affection and love
and concern and unhurried

“*giveness’’. You don’t need
to be a mind-reader to grasp
that. Your wife is grateful for
the car, but she may not be
grateful TO YOU for the’ car,
because you are giving her
just.a car and withholding
-yourself. She wants YOU
most ofall and that may b
what is| difficult for you t
see. A prowing ability ‘to

sense her feelings and your’

own feelings is eshead for
you, Learn the secret of that
-and you'll really have some-
thing!

No more on dope meeting

QUESTION: What about that
meeting for kids and their
parents about smoking dope?
When and where will it be?

STEWART: I am told the
meeting was considered very
successful. Plans are lively

for a follow-up. Everyone
“concerned has wisely agreed
that publicity could be
detrimental. I am happy to
go along with their insight
and so, this column will be
mum from here on. Thank
you for your interest.

fear of being judged by

‘are needed ©

.OOVIGUS —

relationship so it will not.

spiritual or moral bankrupt-

- om your life. 7 staved out all all

harder to go back home. It

' matter in the first place. Ido |
- this sort of thing with other |
What makes me do that? I

-- don’t want to be like that, but
I just seem to suddenly flare

“STEWART: I would much
rather know you better and

However, there is one thing I
don’t mind saying because in

that has nothing to do with

who has a bad day at the

anxiety and of course the
feelings of guilt that seem to
go along with those.. sorts of
feelings and experiences.
Another costly item is the

people who are important to |
you, or by society in general.

-It looks like. you will need
to sit oo and decide
whether you have sufficient
resources. to meet the high
cost to you (and some others)
of maintaining ‘a loving
relationship with two men. If
you do not want te assume
the cost, or if it is just too
mich for you to bear, then
you'll want to think about
modifying the three. way

For precise lighting con-
. trol, ranges ‘from off to.
full bright

contribute to your. emotional, .

cy. If that is beyond you, you
will probably find a way to
make it .a two person
relationship rather than one
that involves three of you.
Don’t feel too badly. about
your problem being a heavy
one.. Hardly anyone can
afford it. Perhaps no one can.

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hours and every hour made it

always starts with some silly
little thing that doesn’t

- Lae ARE
3139 Edgemont Bivd.,.
North \ Vancouver 988-8010 -

people too - not just my wife. |

LDING SUPPLIES -

42680 Mount Seymour Parkway -
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up and say crazy things I ff. ONS $ HARDWARE — ~ SERAPSS iN HARDY ARE
don’t really want to: Say at all. 1329 Lonsdale Ave., North Van. . 1846 Marine Drive, West
Why am I like that and what | | ‘988-0838, Vancouver 922-4138 |

will I do about’ it?

hear more of your ‘story —
before giving an‘ answer.

a large number of situations _
it is appropriate. It sounds
like you have a lot of anger in
you about something or other ©
and that you are not dealing —
with it in a creative and
healing manner. It is in there .
waiting for something to
spark it off. Then along —
comes a set of circumstances

your anger at all, but it ;
serves to set off the big blow.
It’s something like the fellow

office and carries himself .
through it pretty well.. Then
he comes home and kicks the
dog! Try facing up to your
real hostility, admitting it is
there and doing something
about it.

: ff Pa
Bn Ge.
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a a ) |
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five days in Lions Gate &
Hospital and want to express

my gratitude to everyone

who turned a hand to help ©

me. I must say that everyone

was just greatatatime when fF °
thelr kind of ‘‘greatness’’

was exactly what I needed.

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~ THE BROTHERS WITH THE MAGIC TOUCH |

STEWART: I've had the 50 INTERNATIONAL AWARDS

same sort of experience you
had. Nurses are great!
Thanks to you for telling
them good things.

225 - 16th Stroot

West Vancouver

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