3K - Sunday, October 11, 1987 - North Shore News

Lifestyle

43:

Engraving di

lemma

leaves couple irked

DEAR MISS MANNERS — My wife and I are arguing (but
after 46 years, not bitterly) over engraving a wedding gift.

I was detailed to make the selec-
tion and chose a Waterford pitch-
er, instructing the engraver to put
the bride’s name, Elizabeth, and
the wedding date just below the
pouring lip of the pitcher.

When I returned home, well
pleased with my shopping efforts.
my wife expressed dismay, con-
sternation and irritation at my
choice. Why had I not included the
groom's name?

miss
manners

by Judith
Martin

I puinted out very logically that
we had never met the groom nor
his parents; wedding gifts are
traditionally sent to the bride at
the home of her parents; the whole
wedding scenario is produced for
the bride, with the groom merely a
supporting player; and who can
predict the state of a marriage in,
say, 10 years? The bride inight be
separated from the groom by
choice or misadventure.

My wife replied that good man-
aers are based on thoughtfulness,
and thus we should be considerate
of the groom, stranger or not, and
include his name; we could hurt
the bride’s feclings by ignoring the
man she loves; since the wedding
was to be held in the groom's
hometown, at some distance, the
guests would be predominantly
friends of the groom’s family; the
groom might be a bit player, but,
like Hopalong Cassidy’s horse, he
is vital to the script.

She then called the jewelry store,
cancelled the order to engrave the
bride’s name and asked that only
the wedding date be engraved.

In one way or another, husbands
generally lose arguments.

Is the engraving or initialing of
the wedding gift proper? If if is,
which names or initials should be
used? Should a date be added, or
would just a date, with no names
or initials, be proper?

GENTLE READER — After 46
years, you have also learned that
there are rarely simple answers. So
here are Miss Manners’ thoughts,
which provide arguments for both
of you to use, ever so gently,
should you wish to continue this

discussion, now that the wedding

present has been sent.

It is generally not a good idea to
mark wedding presents nowadays.
Aside fron the possibility of their
being exchanged, or of the proper-
ty being divided later, the chances
of your knowing how the bride
wishes to style herself are remote,

A first name is too childish for
use on a wedding present. One
puts that on a baby present, and
initials on a wedding present.

Yes, it is the bride’s initials that
are used, This has nothing to do
with how well you know = the
bridegroom or how big a part he is
playing is this wedding. It is simply
a tradition, dating from when
trousseaux were collected before
beaux. Therefore, it is the bride’s
maiden initials.

But when afl is said and done,

Miss Manners believes that the
couple will not be displeased at
finding their wedding date on the
pitcher. She only hopes that the
wedding is not postponed.
DEAR MISS MANNERS — My
wife asked for, and I agreed to, a
“simplified dissolution of —mar-
riage’’ after we were together for
11 years. It was my second and her
fourth marriage.

Among our wedding presents
was a Steuben vase given to us by
my daughter-in-law from my first
marriage. My wife claims that all
our wedding presents automatical-
ly go to her upon the dissolution of
our marriage. Is sae correct?
GENTLE READER — Miss
Manners hates to argue with
someone who has so much experi-
ence in the field, but no.

The rule about wedding presents
is that they are returned to the

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sender if the marriage does not
take place.

Once it does, they cease to be
wedding presents but are joint
property of the couple, to be given
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for possession — such as the
argument of the vase’s coming
from your side of the family — or
has the better lawyer.

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