Doug Collins @ get this straight ® THE BEST stories of 1986 had nothing to do with Iran and Ronald Reagan, Brian Baloney and bilingualism, Joe Clark and South Africa, or any other mundane stuff of that sort. To find out what the best stories were, read on: In England, a black educa- tionist by the name of Kuba Assegai told his wide-eyed av- dience that the U.S had developed an “ethnic bomb" that kills blacks and spares whites, just as a neutron bomb could kill people but spare property. “Yes, it’s quite true,*? Kuba the Enlightener told a seminar at Willesden High School in North London, where the dolts of multicult had made him chairman of the board of governors. ‘‘The Americans have developed an ethnic bomb. It was developed during the war in Vietnam and homes in on black skin...’’. In Toronto, it was revealed that a teacher was paid $45,000 a year to clip newspapers in the school library “I didn’t go to university for this,’ complained the lucky man, who was not named. Things changed for the better for him, though. After being transferred to another school district, he spent most of his working day at home while collecting full pay. “It’s getting a little dishearten- ing,’’ said this groucher. In enterprising Nevada, plans to turn a ghost town into a mecca for 20,000 queers bit the dust, and the crganizers had plans to use the place for a goat farm. The goat farm was to have been set up ata place called Winnemuc- ca, and for ali | know may now be functioning. Let me know if you hear anything... In Shrewsbury, England, a 15-month-old Boxer dog named Fudge dined on his master’s musical watch. For days thereafter, at 6.45 a.m. and 6.45 p.m. precisely, the strains of Glenn Miller's American Patrol issued from the canine’s tummy... In Seattle, a police detective was assigned to find out whether a parrot owned by a white person was squawking obscenities and racial epithets at the neighboring colored folk. The cop spent three hours listening to Polly, but couldn’t make out what she was saying. The parrot wasn’t a very clever bird, it seems. According to her owner, she would repeat words but had no memory for them. If a Canadian parrot took to mouthing such undescribed ex- pressions, it would be a federal case at least, with Human Rights Commissioner Gordon Fairweather presiding. Fairweather says he is an unabashed do-gooder... In progressive Ottawa, it was disclosed that a murderer was get- ting ‘‘surivor’s benefits’’ from the Canada Pension Plan after having .. knocked off his wife. The grateful fellow in question, one Robert Desgroselliers, a prisoner in Millhaven: maximum security prison, received a $1,300 burial benefit from the plan. He was also found to be the happy recipient of $287 a month... In Sydney, Australia, a com- muter train was held up for 20 minutes when a conductor found | a couple making love in one of its compartments. The conductor told the pair they had three minutes to get dressed and get off, whereupon the man punched the { railway official out. The above story proves that not all Aussies have limp wrists, which I had begun to fear was the case, things having changed a lot down there... In Brussels, a lady described in | the public prints as a ‘‘svelte grandmother’? became chair- madam of the World Congress of Whores. The lady in question, Margo St. James, announced that hookers j don’t die young, as is commonly supposed. Like old soldiers, they simply fade away? Back to London, England, where the British magazine New Society reported that the technology now exists to enable men to give birth. Nothing sur- prising about that, of course. Not these days... From Tehran it is reported that Iranian prisoners of war in Iraq have been forced to watch sex films, which upsets them. A likely story... And may 1987 be as dotty as. 1986. Local residents still drink and drive - poll NEARLY 25 per cent of North Shore residents who drink at holi- day parties will be driving their cars home, according to a recent North Shore News survey. But most respondents who said they drove after drinking stressed that they did so after consuming only srzall amounts of alcohol. According to the survey, almost 28 per cent of people who drink at parties or other social affairs take a taxi home, while just over 36 per cent get a ride with another driver and just under three per cent take a bus. About five per cent of the survey’s respondents said they walk home and two per cent stay at the host’s house. Of the 453 people polled, 30 per cent said they do not drink at the parties. North Vancouver RCMP Cpl. Cliff Doherty called the 25 per cent “‘reasonable’’ but noted the par- ticipants might not be completely truthful in their answers, “I would say there would be people who would say they are taking a taxi or bus but who would probably drive,’’ he said. ‘‘You ask how they’re going to get home and they say a taxi but you look later and they are driving their car.”” RCMP traffic department head Sgt. Larry Boan said the survey’s percentage of people who drive after drinking ‘‘would be about right...fairly correct.”’ Boan said officers are now see- ing more designated drivers. Tonight, police will be manning New Year’s Eve roadblocks ‘‘here, there and everywhere,”’ Boan said. ‘*We haven't got any set times or places for them.” >S « BC yf vi lage ski shop 1845 Marine Drive, West Vancouver Sale ends Jan 3/87 9 - Wednesday, Yecember 31, 1986 - North Shore News we a utyt “ -miscodra, oni mcr - 922-3333 “ prdtaehice Book Now Fer New Year’s Evel Bennington’s. 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