South Africa far from

MY RECENT gloomy
reports on South Africa
notwithstanding, only two
things spoiled a month’s
flop-out in that country.

One was the sight of Pierre
Trudeau smirking to President
F.W. de Klerk on the day of the
great referendum; the other was
the news that Barbara McDougall
was arriving in Cape Town with a
host of external affairs flunkies
and tame press types.

The first made me throw up:
the second made me dash for the
plane to Johannesburg. Why do
the South Africans let in such
hypocrites? They have nothing to
thank them for, after all. Can the
“new South Africa’ be worth
such a sacrifice?

For a rubber-necker like me
South Africa has high appeal.
Yes, there’s violence. But on the
tourist track we saw none of it.

On the contrary, blacks would
wave at our coach. We didn’t
venture into the black townships,
of course, or wander the streets of
Johannesburg at night — any
more than we would walk into the
dangerous race stews of New
York, Chicago or Los Angeles —
even before the present war there.

There is fun to be had. Your
man Doug raised a few laughs
when he got up on an ostrich. My
only regret was that | couldn’t put
our politicians on the birds and
send them off into the sunset,
Whata TV clip that would make!

Ostriches are dumb and lovable
things and make good cating.
Their meat tastes like beef.

Dumb and !ovable? That's the
way they look. But we heard of a
chap in Jo’burg who uses one as a
watchdog and has no trouble with
burglars.

Ostriches can kill aman with a
kick. And they can peck some-
thing awful when annoyed.

Every nature lover should see
Kruger Park. It had its beginnings
nearly a century ago and is now
larger than Wales.

It boasts 8,000 elephants, 6,000
giraffes (thoughtful-looking beasts
giraffes), 2,000 lions and just
about everything else.

According to our driver, the
rangers have a neat way of dealing
with poachers who go after ele-
phant tusks and rhino horns. If
there’s any trouble, he said, **they
let “em ‘ave it."

Our approach to the firm and
effective way of dealing with such
a problem would be a lot of silly

doug
Collins

ON THE OTHER HAND

gab.

The driver was a character. As
mentioned in an earlier column,
he was the one who told his wife
she was ‘‘a silly old Boer*’ for
wanting to vote No in the refer-
endum.,

“Oh, what a ‘orrible sight,"’ he
said one morning after he had got
us up at dawn to peer into the
bush, ‘‘And before breakfast,
too.”

The *orrible sight was two for-
nicating baboons. And if you
think it wasn’t a ‘orrible sight you
have never seen a baboon’s big
red bum shining in the first rays
of the sun.

The driver's comment raised
nervous titters from the genteel in
our coach and hearty guffaws
from oafs like me.

The tour took us through
Swaziland — formerly a British
colony in case you've forgotten —
and we stayed at a place called
Pigg’s Peak, named after a man
who found gold there in the
1880s.

Mr. Pigg then went to Durban
and married a Miss Hogg. He got
rid of a fortune and returned to
the peak as a worker. Poor Pigg!

Critics of South Africa will be
unhappy to hear that the buffet
meals in the hotels are super, And
the wines!

1 got mad all over again when |
read that a South African trade
commission had landed big con-
tracts for them in France and
Finland.

By the time Ottawa gets around
to opening its doors there won't
be any left. But that’s not surpris-
ing, seeing that in 1990 Joe Clark
promised Nelson Mandela that

Salvation Army honors
News with service award

THE NORTH Shore News was
recently honored with a Friend of
the Army award by the Salvation
Army ia recognition of the news-
Paper’s continuing support for the
Salvation Army and the many
charitable services it provides.

The presentation to the news-
paper was made April 23 at the
Salvation Army’s annual general
meeting, which was held at the
Hotel Vancouver.

Also presented with 1992 Friend
of the Army awards were the CBC
and the Canadian Imperial Bank
of Commerce.

2 PROPANE FRIDGES, -
. STOVES & LIGHTS
(NEW & USED}

Tanks - Tubing - Fitlings
Instant Hot Water Tanks
* Propane Tanks Re-dated

oe Propane Repairs aa
: SERVES. FRIDGE PARTS

The Salvation Army's annual
Red Shield Appeal runs this year
from May I to 30,

Its target is $3,850,000,

West) Vancouver Mayor Mark
Sager recently proclaimed Muay 4
as Salvation Army Day in’ the
municipality.

“Canada would await his signal
before lifting sunctions."*

Trust us to be politically correct
to a minute past midnight.

Our driver told me what I al-
ready knew — that as far as
Africa is concerned Clark doesn't
know his front from his back. |
told him not to worry, because
Joe is now busy selling out
English Canada to Quebec.

The visitor should not miss
Cape Town, although there were
press reports claiming the
Capetonians hate tourists.

If they do, we saw no evidence
of it. But the city does clase down
at weekends. It reminded me of
pre-war times.

Cape Town is still quite British.
The Afrikaners may have dumped
the Crown and created a republic,
for instance, but the memorabilia
remain: statues to English kings
and queens and Cecil Rhodes are
still there, plus reminders that
“Winston Churchill stayed here’’
(during the South African War).

If you are thinking about going
you should do it before the place
becomes stuffed with tourists,

*Members

Wednesday, May 6, 1992 - North Shcre News ~ 9

Boering

which is now likely.

And remember that the coach
trips are good value. Ours lasted
$0 days in all for a total cost for
the two of us of just under
$2,500, including accommodation
and meals.

We took South African Airways
from London. They have to know
the way, after all, and one might
as well start on those South Afri-
can wines carly. You can also go
via New York.

Don't take any secret lovers
with you. We met two West Van
ladies on the tours, and when we
were chewing ostrich steak an
RCMP officer from Vancouver
was sitting at our table.

**Don't I know you?” he asked.

Last but not least: a sojourn in
South Africa is a holiday from the
convolutions of the constitution,
Indian-babble, the human rights
mob, and the lamentations of the
Status of Wimmin.

News about our part of the
world, you see, is next to non-

existent in that part of the world,
wa

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