DoucG
COLLINS

. © get ‘this straight e o

I, DOUG COLLINS, do hereby swear that if I ever
receive a request from Statistics Canada concerning my
(non-existent) volunteer activities f will consign same to
the flames; yea, even though threaicaed with dismember-
ment, breaking on the wheel, or having to listen to Joe

Clark speeches.

These morbid impulses have
been inspired by a six-page
packuge of Statscan stuff that is
the work of maniacs who labor
for the Statscan Houschold
Surveys Division.

The document appeared under
the signature of Ivan P. Fellegi,
this country’s chief statistician,
who claims that ‘‘little is known
about what Canadians do as
volunteers for various groups
and organizations."’

ce

I am reminded of
the case of the
professor who got a
federal grant to find
out what people do
when they have
nothing to. do. He
spent a happy -
summer touring the
country to find out,
and all it cost us was
"$5,000. ”’

- Which seems to worry him. So
he asks:

“How important to your
volunteering is (A) meeting peo-
ple.(B) fulfilling religious obliga-
tions or beliefs (C) learning new
~skills?””

"This sort of question reaches

f (0), where the dazed recipient is

t. asked whether volunteering is
} important to doing something in
. his or her spare time. Clearly,

’ Statscan believes there is trouble

i. Sahead for this country if it

doesn’t know how we love our

;’ leisure hours.

: _-., lam reminded of the case of
. ‘the professor, who got a federal

‘grant to find-out what people do
" :. when they have nothing to do.

~ “He spent a happy summer. tour-

a ing the country to find out, and

all it cost us was $5,000.
Felligi wishes to know at what
time of the day people do most -
‘of their volunteering; also, was
the hour couveniént, somewhat .
‘convenient, or very inconvenient.
Over the ‘past year, that is.
He or his mad minions ask
whether people have a friend, a

organization for which they are
volunteering their time.

Then, in a Chinese puzzle of
queries complete with mysterious
signs, he is desirous of learning
how many hours of volunteer
work were done the previous
week, Also (ungrammiatically
and redundantly), ‘‘who does
this organization help or
benefit?’

The correct answer to that onc
is ‘‘Siatscan."'

Moving right along, our man
demands to know: ''To the
nearest hour, how many hours a
month of voluntary work were
performed, and at what cost per-
sonally? (Could there be any cost
impersonally?Just askin’.)

This is followed by, “Was
anything gained in terms of skill
or knowledge by the volunteer
work or was nothing particular
gained?"' And does the volunteer
think of himself as a volunteer,
or not?

If not, does he have any word
other than ‘volunicer"™ to
describe himself?

Speaking of words, | can only
sey there are no words to
describe the Household Surveys
Division of Statscan.

The questionnaire is available
in French, of course. Ottawa
believes in full employment.

Only a branch of government
that has awarded itself jobs for
ever plus indexed pensions could
have invented this questionnaire,
and if the thing didn't contain
enough code numbers to flum-
mox a code-breaker 1 would
have been certain that Mrs.
Yvonne Platt of Winnipeg, who
sent it to me, was having me on.

I think we should return the
compliment and send some ques-
tions to Felligi. Viz:

How much does your
organization cost us?

Why?

How many people does
Statistics Canada employ?

Why?

Do you, Felligi, personally or
even impersonally appreve ot |
this farrago of nonsense, or do
you simply sign everything that’s
put in front of you? (If the
answer to the latter question is

- “yes,” remember what happened

to the German generals who did
the same thing.)
Does anyone in your depart-
ment understand the questions?
If so, when will you fire them?
How much time has the public
wasted in the past year (to the
nearest hour, that is) in catering
to these bureaucratic forays?
Where is your office, and

when would be a convenient time |

to blow it up? @

Water system
to be studied

A COMPREHENSIVE study of
the Lower Mainland's water supp-
ly system has been approved by the
Greater Vancouver Regional
District board of directors.

The study, which will cost about
$450,000 and take 18 months to
complete, will develop short-term
and Jong-term plans for meeting
water demand in the region and
will also consider the reliability of
the system and the matter of water
quality.

This is an appropriate time to
carry out the study, officials
reported to the board, because
agreement has now been reached
with B.C. Hydro to increase the
quantity of water available to the
GVRD system) from Coquitlam
Lake, (B.C. Hydro holds provin-
cial water licences for Coquitlam
Lake).

The need for the study was un-
derscored by last) year's excep-
tionally dry summer and fall which
resulted in unprecedented water
demand.

Topics to be covered in the study
include population and water de-
mands for the region for the
short-term (20 years) and long-
term, the ability of existing and
alternative sources to mect an-
ticipated needs, the desirability of
region-wide conservation measures
and proposed capital improve-
ments.

Water consumption in the region
last year set an all-time record,
360.6 billion litres.

The GVRD water system serves
17° municipalities in the Lower
Mainland.

WOOLCO
CORRECTION

tn the Warehouse Salu that appeated on
Veoonesday, February 3, 1984 The Laced
Fiwece Co-orcinatos ate 00k) wpntalaty, 04
AS @ Bol af Indicated

wovica sincuraty fegreats any
inconvermence thal this May Cause to 1a
customers

Alll in stock
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9 + Wednesday, February 10, 1988 ~ North Shore News

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