SS ~ Wednesday, October 28, 1992 — North Shore News LIFESTYLES ae meek. Korget about etiquette: profs behavior illegal DEAR MISS MANNERS — A friend and colleague has confided that she has been repeatedly shocked and embar- rassed by comments made to her by a professor at the university where we teach. Apparently the professor believes that by commenting sug- gestively on my friend's physical attributes, he is paying her com- pliments. [¢ is even evident (hat he imagines he is treating her as an equai by sharing his focker-room thoughts in what he thinks is a light-hearted manner. Needless to say, she finds his behavior less than amusing. Gentlemen colleagues have heen sympathetic and they, too, have been embarrassed by this man’s treatment of my friend, but no one has hit upon an effective way to correct the situation. The lady has not dignified this man’s remarks with a reply, more because of her shock than because of her reserve. None of us wishes to hurt the offender, who, incred- ible as it may seem in light of highly publicized recent events in Washington and of the steady ad- vance of women in the business world, appears to be acting out of real ignorance and_ insensitivity, rather than with malice or even conscious disrespect. AN of us would tike to foster and preserve a pleasant worling envirenment. Is there a way for the ladies and genflemen in our depariment to put 4 stop io this offensive hehavior without being unkind, offensive and uncivilized themselves? GENTLE READER — Milica Manners had to check the postmark on your envelope to make sure an antique letter hadn’t slipped into her current file. If there jis a university left in America that has not made a massive effort to educate its employees about sexual harass- ment, then you should get yourself over to the administration this very minute to find out why not, Miss Manners herself has been trying for decades to expose the flaw in the argument that a lady armed only with the gentle exam- ple of etiquette can exercise con- trol over sonieone who is deter- mined to be impervious to the feelings of others. Long before what you cail *‘re- cent events,’’ Miss Manners warn- ed that someone who presses unwelcome attentions cannot be controlled by etiquette, because he is choosing to operate outside the domain of etiquette. Now this behavior, which has always been cude, is also illegal. Je is true that etiquette kindly makes allowances, and trics to find delicate ways to discourage people from offensive behavior that they actually intend and believe to be charming. But this should never be diter- preted to mean that offenders have no responsibility for abserv- ing the reactions they provoke and changing their behavior accard- ingly. Salt less does ic mean that their targets have the responsibility of delicately retraining then. The only thing that should stap your friend from filing charges ugainst the offender is a genuine belief that he fails to understand either that his attentions are un- pleasant or that romantic atnen- ducith a ee MISS MANNERS tions of any kind are unprofes- sional behavior. ff that is the case, she — or perhaps those gentlemen eager to be helpful — should do him the favor of alerting him to the fact that what he is doing is now called sexual harassment. Never mind the fact that he will protest that he never inte ted it as such. If you believe that this is a case that may be settled by eti- quette, then you may graciously assure him that you are sure he didn’t mean it. The test of that will be whether he stops doing it. DEAR MISS MANNERS — My son received a form fetter in which he was notified that he was “nominated to serve as 2 squire’ at 2 colillion-club tea daace, and that “‘six squires will be selected from the iotal number nominated +. by a random drawing.’’ There is co mention of the hosts being honored to have my son attend. And they ceriaialy don't leave any doubt that he is to be treated as a lesser guest, not only seated separately bui acting as an usher (servant} for those in his own peer group who are being honored. Is this any way to invite soeme- one to a party? i feel that an invitation to put tis name im a lottery does not even deserve the dignity of an an- swer, but not responding would be ungratious, so he simply dectined. But the letter, which reeks of self-appointed delusions of grandeur, puts him in an embar- tassing situation among bis own classinates. Cotiltioa groups should be formed by the parents of children of both sexes; somehow parents of giris seem to forget that parents of boys are equally interested ia culace. Ht would thea be unneces- sary to have stags. GENTLE READER When you organize such an event, ibe ghostly figure in the ballroom balcony, beamin: iowa upan you, will be Miss Manners, Amid the ecrussness that hos come fo characterize the moderna concept of making a debut, of which yoor san‘s experience is a forceful example, you have behaved graciously under pro- vocation and suggested a sensible solution. Miss Manners con- ratulates you. 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