36 - Sunday, November 11 . 1990 - North Shore News

LIFESTYLES
One-way friendship causes annoyance

DEAR MISS MANNERS — I have a friend who works
for the same company as I do — not in the same office,
but in another location. We work for the same group divi-
sion, so we have a lot in common to talk about.

Ever since I became friends
with her, she has complained con-
stantly about boyfriends, her boss,
her co-workers, her mother and
her life. I have listened for hours
to her moaning about how
nothing is going right in her life.
She never stops talking tong
enough for me (to get two words
in, She has called me late at night
and at the crack of dawn, to cry
on my shoulder.

{ have tried to tell her several
times, without making her mad,
that she needs to respect my
private time and not call me at
odd hours. Her reply was: ‘*Fine,
I just won't call you. You call
me."

My husband thinks she is nuts
and a bad influence, and says I
should not be too friendly with
her, since we both work for the
same company. She is on the
verge of getting fired because she
works too slowly.

I have helped this woman out
more times than you can imagine,

and every time E turn around, she
is asking me for a favor.

How can F break off this
friendship and yet the message to
her that | am not her sounding
board? I don’t mind having lunch
with her or talking on the phone
with her once in a while, but she
doesn't understand this.

She complains that I never call
her, but the fact is I never pet a
chance. She cals me so much that
{ never feel the need (o cail her,
because [I enjoy my peace and
quiet and my evenings with my
husband.

GENTLE READER — Miss
Manners suspects that she knows
this lady. Or rather, she suspects
that there are a lot of them out
there, and understands how dif-
ficult it is for sympatheiic people
to prevent themselves from being
victimized by them.

it is to your credit that you are
troubled by the questions of what
one owes a friend, and of what
one can do to help any unhappy

Martin R. Aidetbaum DDS., MRCD. (C)

Martin R. Aidelbaum,
Certified Specialist in Oral
and Maxillofacial Surgery,

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North Vancouver
203-440 West 15th St.
British Columbia, V7M 1R6

Tel: 604-985-0505
Toll Free: 1-800-972-2373

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British Columbia, V6Z 214 British Columbia, V38 5Y9

Tel: 604-688-7781
Toll Free: 1-800-663-0793

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Judith

MISS MANNERS

person. Friends are allowed to
draw heavily on sympathy when
they are in trouble. And a kind
person will go beyond friendship

to offer any assistance that seems
of help to a person in need.

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But what you describe here is a
person — not a friend, because
there seems to be no reciprocal in-
terest -— in chronic need, whom
you cannot effectively help. This
is not worth the sacrifice of
valuable chunks of your home
life.

Miss Manners suggests vou
politely agree to the lady's sugges-
tion that you be the person to
place the calls. This does not
oblige you to call more often than
you care to; your suggestion of an
occasional lunch seems quite gen-
erous, considering how little the
association pleases you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS — I
had surgery done that was free.
Not knowing how else to show my
gratitude, | went to some pains to
select a very nice small gift — a
Jeather address book and some
pictorial T-shirts, which I handed
to the surgeon saying, ‘‘A small
gesture of my esteem."’

To my shock and amazement,
he threw his hands in the air and
said loudly, ‘I hate it when a pa-

sound sysiem

tient brings me a gift."

Should I have taken the gift and
left? This would have seemed like
un even cuder response, so I left
the gift} and shook his hand.
stammering something like “I'm
so sorry sou feet that way -- J
had no idea.’ Then I left.

Were my = selections too per-
sonal? Thad enjoyed choosing
them. What would you have done
or said? Gee!

GENTLE READER ~— Miss
Manners assumes that this per-
son's surgical skills are better than
his social skills. You seem to have
survived the operation.

You may be sure that it is not
to make light of the rudeness of
tebuffing an obviously kindly
meant present that Miss Manners
points out that the surgeon has at
least exhibited the virtue of gen-
erosity by not charging you for
the operation, for whatever
reason. It is too bad that he has
not also the virtue of accepting
generosity.

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