42 ~ Sunday, November f, 1987 - North Shore News Lifestyles WHIPPING SISTER INTO SHAPE Do not fire the maid of honor DEAR MISS MANNERS — What is the best way to res- cind an offer to be maid of honor? I asked my oider sister (she’s 27) and now I regret it. She desperately wants to be married, even though she does not have a steady boyfriend. I can understand her jealousy. However, I won't tolerate her self-pity. 1 need her encouragement, support and positive feedback. Yet all she says is ‘I'l! never be married,’’ ‘‘No one loves me’’ and “Pll never be a bride.’’ My parents and 1 have reassured her that we miss manners by Judith «, Martin. - some day, but to no avail. It’s ob- vious that she ‘can’t carry out the duties of maid of honor. GENTLE READER ~ Although the ‘‘What about poor me?” routine is a remarkably unattrac- tive posture,. excessively so when used to dampen someone - else’s happiness, donot, Miss: Manners 1 . begs you, fire your sister. Even: if~ ‘.) you replaced:her with an angel of. light, such a-move would not result in an encouraging, ‘positive - at- mosphere for your wedding. * Honorable sisterly duty, no less sacred -a task than’ maid-of-honor- : ship, consists instead of threaten- ing her as well as reassuring her: ‘We . love: ‘you anyway, ‘Melissa, . but ‘you: know, - maybe it is that hangdog’ attitude that is hampering yous Here I thought you'd be such a belle: in ,that bridesmaid dress that: all- Brian’s, friends would be crazy -about- you — ‘but if you're going .to be mopey, I suppose it’s not going to work,” DEAR ‘MISS: MANNERS — Last night:a friend strongly insinuated that I am insensitive, ignorant and snobbish. ‘maintaining one’s home. usage, however, is generally famil-. iar, and I tend to adopt. it out, of | My offence? I used the word ‘‘career’’ to refer to the pursuit of an occupa- tion outside the home or for the benefit of others besides one’s own family. My friend, a full-time mother, felt 1 thereby denigrated her status, and responded with an indignant statement that motherhood was a worthy career too. I did not intend to imply that motherhood is less important or presitigious than other occups- tions, nor do IJ believe this. Indeed, I am delighted to have been the beneficiary of my own mother’s choice to assume this role. 1 also admit that Mr. Webster might not fully approve of using such terms as ‘‘career,’’ ‘‘work,’’ or ‘‘job” to discuss only efforts other than raising one’s children or Such habit, not malice. 1am growing weary of being ac- cused of giving an insult, when none is intended, and of receiving hostile responses to such questions for all women and that anyone who doesn’t follow the currently fashionable one must be held in low esteem. Some years ago, there was a nasty edge to the term ‘‘career girl,’ which was used to describe a woman who had a paying job and therefore, it was implied, an un- satisfactory domestic setup. Now such a once-revered term as ‘*housewife’’ is perceived as an in- sult, because a money-crazy society sees worth only in paid work. A general acknowledgement that the decision of each individual woman as to what she considers the best use of her time is equally worthy of respect would defuse all this. You seem to understand this, but the women you meet are smar- ting from previous wounds, so you would do well to be careful. At any rate, polite society never condoned the use u. one’s business identity socially. Miss Manners ‘may well be the only person who remembers this, but asking people as ‘What - sort of Work do you. do?” : I have now reached the point ‘of . being afraid to ask women-I meet et + +. ,-80cially how they spend their days, love -her and that she will’ marry ° whick I suppose makes me vulner- able to accusations of self-absorp- tion. and. a Jack of interest in others’ lives. This especially disturbs me, because I would actu- ally rather hear a non-defensive person discuss a child’s develop- ment and activities than hear many people discuss such aspects of their » jobs’ as sales reports or computer programs. Am I wrong to take this. posi- tion? If so, I would: appreciate some advice and guidelines for us- / ing language that will. not: be im- proper for meeting people and discussing their occupations. GENTLE READER — If we were to do battle over such terms, Miss Manners would question your _usage of ‘‘full-time mother’? as applying exclusively to. mothers who do not have paying jobs. Surely all mothers are mothers all the time, even when they spend some of that time in offices or fac- tories. But warfare over such terms is exactly what Miss Manners’ would like to see cease. The emotional land mine you accidentally stepped on is set off by the insane idea that there is one correct pattern of life FALL SALE 1 20-50% off - Bridal Gowns Party Dresses Dresses (afternoon wear) Shoes, Gloves, Hats eye Geutng Ganyler i24 West I6th Street North Vancouver, B.C. V7M IT4 985-0555 GERTIE TODD HOURS: you meet socially what their jobs are was always in questionable taste. 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