=) [Doug Collins

@ vel this straight @

THIS BEING the season of good will, I herewith send
Christmas greetings to all writers of letters to the editor. I
dote on people who take pen in hand to express their high
regard for me, and love the toilers who put the headlines]
on them. Come to think of it, I love everybody right

} now. It’s that time of year.

It is a puzzlement, though,
that not everybody loves me. |
can tell that from the way the
letters are written, you know,

[ was tempted to set up
something like the Mary Collins
Golden Turkey Awards for the
most fulsome ones. But in the
end | put this year’s most inter-
esting efforts into a hat, and the
first one I pulled out was writ-
ten by Mr. Murray Mitchell of
North Vancouver. His con-
tribution appeared under a
four-column headline that read:
“Christians should unite
against Doug Collins.”’

Mr. Mitchel! wrote that he
was ‘‘greatly unaware of any
sense of moral fibre in Mr. Col-
lins’’, and that he was on the
veige of vomiting after reading
one of my (best) pieces. Well, 1
know a doctor who could help
Mr. Murray to bring it all up.
In the meantime, I think he has
a good idea. Getting Christians
to unite against Collins might
get them to go to church again.

Mr. Mitchell should meet
Alex Davids of North Van-
couver. Under the headline
‘*KKK supported?’’, Mr.
Davids yearned to know
whether [ backed the Klan. He
would like to ‘‘get this
straight’’. :

1 would support the Kian,
Mr. Davids, if 1 could get a
hood big enough to fit what
another reader calls my big fat
head. Another reason for not
doing so, however, is that the
last time I wore a sheet I trip-
ped on it going down the stairs.
So I decided to stay unsheeted.
Here’s hoping you have got that
straight.

Mr. Jos Surgenor, again of
North Vancouver, wrote a letter
that warranted another four-

‘column head. ‘‘What does
Doug stand for?’’ it read.

I should change my name
from Collins to Colic, suggested
Jos. This in response to my
having written, reasonably, that
Brian Baloney had ‘‘no more
savvy than a scarecrow,”’ and
that he was ‘‘a nincompoop, a
thickwit, a dunce and a

dullard.”’

To answer your question,
Mr. Surgenor, | stand for me.

Mr. Chris Lemon of Deep
Cove knows a lemon when he
sees one, too. After hearing me
give a speech, he wrote that !
was a ‘‘crusading ignoramus’’.
My harangue, he added, was
loaded with philosophical con-
tradictions, and he hinted that |
would do almost anything for a
bottle of South African liquor,
which was what the sponsors of
the speech gave me,

You are absolutely
Lemon old chap.

if 1 were giving prizes for the
best lead (opening paragraph) it
would go to Doreen West of
North Van. Her contribution
began:

‘‘Regarding your article on
fags.”’

Miss West said it was wrong
to treat homosexuals as freaks.
All the insults and ballyhoo in
the world do not make me go
away, so what made me think
the gays would? They were just
like me, she stated.

I agree with Miss West that
freaks like me are always
misunderstood.

One letter ran to five columns
under the headline ‘‘Collins
recks of Fascist attitudes’’. Its
author was Mr. Khadijeh
Husenyi, late of Iran, who said
he sincerely believed he could
do a better job at this job that I
do, and that I am guilty of
peddling ‘‘simplistic, unverified
half-truths, and misleading,
hysterical, bigoted and racist
nonsense.”’

Nobody’s perfect, my dear
fellow.

My compliments also to
Daniel S. Maas of North Van,
who submitted ‘‘the Collins rec-
ipe for journalism’’. It is, he
said, one speck truth, one pinch
exaggeration, one teaspoon
fantasy, one tabiespoon im-
munity to logic, one cup ado-
lescent invective, and one ton
garbage.

A jolly good Christmas to all,
I say, and may the New Year
bring a lot more mail.

right,

WORLD FINALS IN WV?

Cricketers seek
clubhouse funds

A PROPOSED $150,000 clubhouse at Hugo Ray Park in
West Vancouver would not only benefit local athletes, but
attract werld-calibre sporting events.

“There is a possibility of us
hosting the Wosld Cricket Tour-
nament in Vanccuver in 1990,”’
said Dan Koch, president of the
West Vancouver Pavilion Society.

Koch appeared before West
Vancouver District Council on
behalf of the Cricket Club and
Men’s and Women’s Field Hockey
Clubs. He was requesting a grant
of $35,000 from district council for
the clubhouse.

The clubs have been promised a
$75,000 grant from the B.C. Lot-
tery Fund, providing they can raise
the other $75,000. About $25,000
has already been raised by the

By MAUREEN CURTIS
Contributing Writer

clubs. .

“Y congratulate you on raising
so much money yourselves,”’
commented Ald. Mark Sager, who
moved the matter be referred to
the Parks and Recreation Com-
mission for consideration and
comment.

The men's and women’s field
hockey clubs comprise six or seven
adult teams and 10-12 junior
teams. The cricket club fields three
adult teams and threc junior
teams, for membership of 275-300.

AmbIi

9 ~ Wednesday, December 24, 1986 - North Shore News

astie Van seeks

eside

AMBLESIDE Park is the perfect choice for a permanent
resting place for Castle Vancouver, according to the Van-

couver Coevorden Society.

But members of West Van-
couver District Council gave the
proposai a doubtful reception
recently.

“T wish the castle well,’’ said
Ald. Rod Day, ‘‘but it is too large
for Ambleside Park."’

The lease is up, come February,
on the current site of the castle,

“which is located at the corner of

Georgia and Howe Streets in Van-
couver.

The castle is a close replica of an
ancient castle in Coevorden,
Netherlands, where Capt. George
Vancouver’s ancestors (the Van
Coevordens) came from.

Soft
Contact Lenses

°7 9...

CAPILANO OPTICAL
open DAPTLAKO™ *MALL
980-2517

Sunday

By MAUREEN CURTIS
Contributing Writer

Ambleside is the perfect location
for the castle because it is nears the
water (where Capt. Vancouver
spent much of his life) and sur-
rounded by natural beauty, the
society determined,

“Ambleside Park offers these
essentials, plus another outstan-
ding feature: it is located right at
the entrance to the inner harbor of

WH

‘he friendship of the com-
munity we serve is the
foundation of our progress.

Thank you for allowing us to

provide you with the safe reliable

& courteous transportation that
you have relied upon for the past

20 years.

ioOme

Vancouver, into which the legend-
ary captain sailed on June 14,
1791," said Paul Wagler, president
of the Vancouver Coervoden
Society,

“From this unique vantage
point, better than any other in the
See Commorce
Page 11

We wish all residents of the North Shore a
Merry Christmas and extend our very best
wishes for the coming New Year.

From your friends and neighbours.

987-7771

922-2222

250 Pemberton Ave., North Vancouver