Sunday, Februury 28, 198% - North Shore News ° strictly. WAITING ON the telephone for the Muzak to stop buzz- ing in your ear is an experience much like being trapped in an elevator. Under both conditions, I quickly go stir-crazy. Elevators, of course, are a lot easier to deal with. All you have to do is scream and kick the doors and try to get up on somebody's shoulders and push open the little door in the ceiling and climb up the cable or something. But left dangling by a switch- board operator in an electronic void, listening to melodies so perfectly tailored to make you feel serene that it drives you mad, there is really nothing you can do. - Smashing the telephone down on the desk makes me feel good for a couple of seconds, but that’s how the telephone acquired that crack in its side in the first place, and do Lreally want to go out and buy another one? I'm looking forward to the sponge-ball telephone, one that you can throw all over the place and it will just bounce back to you. No reason why it couldn't be done now, fixed up with an om- nidisectional, self-adjusting microphone. Make it waterproof while you’re at it, will you, B.C. Tel? At various times of my life I have held the conviction that the single most significant piece of technology to have, re-shaped the course of human history was cither the automobile, penicillin, The Bomb, TV, jet travel, condoms, the microchip, painless dentistry or the word processor. ‘But now that we're closing in on the last decade of the century, 1; can see plainly that the most , awesome invention, after all, was the telephone, and that it continues to be the main techno-miracle. It affects everyone — especially Ca- nadians, With the lowest population den- sity in the world relative to the to- tality of our acreage, it is only; natural that we would fill in the empty spaces with noise, yet I suf- fer from what you'd have to call ~ telephobia. The jangle of the phone ringing causes me to duck instinctively behind the furniture or sneak ‘out to the sundeck, even if it's raining. “Isn't there something vaguely obscene about people — even perfect strangers — inserting their voices right in the middle of your head? Seeing pictures of those poor chaps on trading room floors with three and four telephones going at once, I break out in a cold sweat. That's my idea of hell, a perma- nent state of information overload. As a young reporter, | quickly learned the valuc of the telephone as a digging tool, of course. In- deed, let your fingers cover the Len *t there something vaguely obscene about people - even perfect strangers - inserting their voices right in the middle of your head?"’ beat. It was good to be able to harass officials over the phone. And after a while I began to re- alize that this double-headed blackjack-like object in my hand was much more than a lazy reporter's joy. The telephone is probably the mightiest weapon of all, far mightier than the pretentious little pen. A single phone call to the right person can change history, which is a way of saying that more histo- ry happens now faster in a shorter period because everybody can in- stantancously (more or less) com- municate with cach other. We have the beginnings of global! brain-lock, one supposes. And J know ! should be cheering. But supposing the damage done to us by telephones can’t be undone? I mean, if 1 spend too much time on the phone, | start giving out numbers, so help me, in a digital voice, just like the computerized tapes that say: “The...new...number...is (PAUSE)... four...six..."” ete. Long-distance calls are the worst. The old animal instinct is to yell when you are talking to some- one on the other side of a conti- nent or ocean. In order to override this instinct, you have to put the brakes on your vocal chords and keep pressing down, Exhariting stuff. There are certain key phrases that alerta telephobe to imminent danger. These are, in order of menace: One moment please. I'it transfer you, That line is busy, Will you hold? These are deep, diabolical phrases, like tar pits. Beware of them. First, somebody you probably don't even know is asking for a moment of your life — an entire 60 seconds! — in exchange for...what? “Transfer” oner? That “‘line’’ is busy, note, not that persont Hold? Hold what? You mean go into a holding pat- tern. For how long? Oh yes, 4 moment. Sure @ me? Aim 1a pris- On the North Shore since 1955 ARTS Nes SERVICE PART s & SERVICE FOR MAJOR APPLIANCES . Parts Dept. open 9:00 to 5:30 Mon. to Fri., Sat. 9 to 5 . Major appliance In-home service Is as near as your phone. “4629 Carden Ave., North Vancouver 987-2251 Take — test 7 Sap | childis dang at school. Success at school is ‘usually, obvious, but learning problems can be subtle. Does your child often... a c IERNIE SCHMIDT INC. 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