LIFESTYLES

Virgin’s ideas of taming
suitor are off the wall

Q. I AM A VIRGIN and I go out with a lot of different
men, mostiy men who accept my virginal status without

bugging me about it.

Now I have, for the first time, a
persistent pursuer who wants to
bed me. He makes no pretense of
any interest in other things, such as
cultural matters, politics or marry-
ing me. Or marrying anyone. He is
pretty macho and his sexual inter-
est in me is pleasing and exciting.

I have fantasies about him —
not of having sex with hir:, but of
having him accept my standards
and marrying me and becoming a
husband who is both dependable
and exciting. Am I nuts to think a
guy like this can be domesticated?

A. In one word, yes. But I have
to say more; it is my nature. You
sound like a young woman who
knows what she wants, which
means marry first, joys of mar-
riage after. If this young man is
not willing to keep company with
you and kiss and hold hands and
pet and not go beyond that, if he
pushes you always toward the
bedroom, then I doubt that you
two have the same things in mind.

And yes, your ideas about tam-
ing him are off the wali. Sad as it
might be for you, because of the
qualities in him that please you,
you have to tell him that you love
him, you want to keep him, you
want to bear his children, but un-
fortunately there is something that
you have decided for yourself —
that you want to remain a virgin
until you are married.

If he then continues to try hav-
ing sex with you, then you have to
be pessimistic. You have no reason
to think that he has the slightest
thought of a workable lifelong
relationship with you. Only you
have that idea.

Dir Mldibsvic-the

On the other hand, | do hope
you have made it clear to him that
you have the strongest intention of
sticking to what you want, of
avoiding ail premarital sex even if

Dr. Ruth
Dr. Ruth Westheimer

it means never marrying anyone,
including him. I hope he has not
picked up any signal that in fact
you will go to bed with him, saying
no all the way. Because it might be
that, with a very clear signal in
front of him, 2: might be more
amenable to doing as yeu wish he
would,

Q. Give me your definition of a
jealous husband.

A. The term means almost any
husbane except the one who
doesn’t care what his wife does
with other people sexually. If you
are married, and if you flirt a Jot

and give him reason to be jealous,
that should make him jealous and
nobody blames him. If you can’t
talk to a man at a party without
his suffering extreme jealousy, that
is jealousy also. And if he has you
locked up in a room with barred
windows and comes home from
work several times a day and keeps
phoning to ask you if you have
someone there, that too is jeal-
ousy.

Is jealousy good for a marriage?
Maybe, as pepper is good on a
steak. A few grains. More than
that, with or without cause, is bad.
Most men are capable of jealousy,
and prefer to think of their wives
as attractive to other mcn. Some
women are pleased to believe that
their husbands are quite jealous. 1
think it is unwise to provoke jeal-
ousy to any serious level.

Q. My lover and I both are
divorced and have grown children
by our exes. He is unable ta bave
intercourse and is very frastrated.
No matter how I encourage him
and remind him to relax sad go
easy, he gets excited and - very
rough and climaxes soon without
having a good erection or
penetrating. I am a nurse and un-
derstand his frustration, but not
his inability to try, in sexual per-
formance, what he has agreed to
try.

A. You are indeed under-
standing, and no doubt your pro-
fession makes you especially un-
derstanding. But you put too much
pressure on him by making him
promise this or that during sexual
encounters.

Here is a case where only a sex
therapist can help him and you. It
is a strange fact that no one, no
matter. how wise, can be the tlera-
pist for a loved one.

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