44 - Sunday, June 21, 1987 - North Shore News

Lifestyles

NOT ENTIRELY ‘HER’ DAY
le should consider others

DEAR MISS MANNERS
— J am getting married in
six months, and my nerves
are just frazzled. Between
working almost full time,
going to school and com-
muting two to three hours a
day on freeways, I have little
time to plan a wedding.

The thing that is really irritating
me the most is that I’m not getting
any heip. My sister, who is the
maid of honor, lives 400 miles
away, owns a business and has two
small children. My best friend,
who is also my roommate and a
wedding attendant, bas not offered
help or got involved in any way.

This weekend put the icing on
the cake. My sister called and said
she understood that I wouldn’t be
having any small children at my
wedding. I explained that I didn’t
want peopie spending most of their
time baby-sitting, and besides, I
feel it’s ‘my day’’.

All of a sudden, she blurted, ‘‘I
don’t think I can be in your wed-
ding, because I can’t afford a
dress.” She knows my parents
would buy her one, and she’s rot
hurting financially. Then she had
the audacity to say, ‘You'll look
so lovely in your dress (because it’s
expensive) and I’li have on some
old ratty-tatty thing.’? Can you
believe this attitude?

My roommate pushed me down
at a wedding reception yesterday
so she could catch the bouquet.
And when I biated to her about
necding some advice, she said,
“That's what your mald of
honoz’s for.’’

My mother is concerned only
with finances.

Why is everyone so close to me

being 20 rude?
GENTLE READER — Without
excusing them or accusing you,
Miss Manners would like gently to
suggest that the problem may be
connected to the concept epitomiz-
ed by your calling the wedding
“my day.’’

A cliche of bridal literature, this
unfortunate phrase often fosters
the idea that it is permissible for
brides to be tyrannical, which, in
turn, feeds resentment in others.
Getting married does not excuse
one from considering the feelings
and problems of others; on the

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contrary, thinking only of oneself,
even in regard to a single day, is
very poor training for marriage.

Your wedding attendants are not
indentured to you. You must still
make your appeals to them as a
sister or friend. Whatever you ask
them to do must be treated as a
favor, not a duty.

They have their own duties and
problems, which you must take in-

not to have children at your wed-
ding, for example, but you must
allow for the fact that you are ask-
ing the parents to make additional
arrangements to accommodate this
decision. A little understanding
and perhaps some practical sugges-
tions on your part would help.

Miss Manners is as repelled as
you by your sister’s envious
ternark comparing your dress to

miss
manners

by Judith Martin

to consideration as you expect
them to do with your overburden-
ed state. It is all very weli to decide

Wocdwards

hers, and your roommate's com-
paring her position in the wedding
party to your sister’s. (Please allow

PARK ROYAL NORTH « 922-6111

Miss Manners to believe that the
wedding reception shove was an
accident. Please!) But presumably
you and they got on well before
your engagement. If you make an
effort to return to that level of
behavior, let us hope that they
will, too.

Forgive Miss Manners if she also
questions the style of your wed-
ding. If your mother is preoc-
supied with financial problems,
and you are so burdened that six
months does not give you time to
carry out your plans without being
so frazzled, you are probably at-
tempting to do something on too
large a scale. The wedding is only
“your day” (and by the way, there
seems to be an ‘“‘our’’ missing —
isn't there a man involved in this?)
in the sense that it is an occasion
on which you share your private
happiness with your circle of fami-
ly and friends. If you alienate them
in the course of planning this, the
purpose will have been defeated.
DEAR MISS MANNERS — Does
your rich and worldly experience
include a notion of the protocol of

on the mall

skinny-dipping? Are my friends
whose traditions include repairing
to the old swimming hole obligated
to warn their guests of the impen-
ding peer pressure to peel?

1 have found myself straining to
appear credible in asserting that
yes, I drove four hours up here to
the mountains, and yes, it is 90
degrees oxtside, but no, I’m just
aot in the mood for a swim. When
a mild-mannered citizen arrives at
such a party to find nothing
resembling a cabana to change in,
when he or she is then forced to
examine other guests from all con-
ceivable angles, when all conversa-
tion ends with ‘‘We'd lke te see
more of you,”’ is the fault with the
host or the guest’s expectations?
GENTLE READER — The host.
Hosts always have an obligation to
alert people ahead of time about
what dress is expected.

Miss Manners hopes you don’t
think that she limits her worldly
knowledge to her worldly experi-
ence. Preferring bathing suits with
sleeves does not prevent her from
hearing about skinny-dipping.

PAKK ROYAL SOUTH ¢ 922-0191
LYNN VALLEY CENTRE » 985-6139