34 - Wednesday, January 30, 1991 - North Shore News an AUS Weddings mean brushing up on manners DEAR MISS MANNERS — A new bride told me her horror story as I am planning my daughter’s wedding. Everyone who was coming to that wedding sent an RSVP. Un- fortunately 12 of these people did not attend the wedding and did not call to express their regrets. The caterer presented the bride with a bill for 12 dinners st $21 each. To forget an invitation to some- thing as important as a wedding, when the costs must be ebsorbed by the bride and/or her family, is coarse, ill-bred and uncouth. Is there any way some of this can be avoided? I understand that last-minute emergencies arise, and it may not be possible to reach the wedding party. A neighbor and ber husband were in sn automebile accident on the way to a wedding and could not call. But I believe that 12 rude people are too many, and weddings today are so costly. I would appreciate your thoughts en this matter. GENTLE READER — Miss Manners agrees that a dozen peo- ple are too many to be run over on the way to a wedding, and perhaps you should have the highway authorities check out that toute. In any case, lesser excuses Specializing in Weddings ENCORE A CATERING COMPANY 985-5388 GARDEN WEDDINGS: the ideal answer for that special day At LONSDALE PARTY RENTALS we have a great variety of sizes and colors of party cents, dishes and party equipment to make sure your occasion will be unique. All Decorations 20% off for Feb. 1-16th LONSDALE PARTY RENTALS 105 Fell Ave.. North Vancouver 986-5651 po for missing a wedding are not ac- ceptable. . But why must you (and everyone else) feel that financial damage is the only acceptable ground for complaint? Paying $252 for uneaten food is dreadful, but it is not as serious as finding out that one’s wedding is consid- ered, by the intimates chosen to share it, to be an insignificant and easily ignored event. DEAR MISS MANNERS — Our 26-year-old daughter plans to Marry seon, inviting about 100 guests to her grandmother’s (fa- ther’s side) piace, near where we lived when she was growing up. She, her bridegroom and all the attendants will be nude. The guests will be clothed. Can you ‘believe it? They say they got the idea from a TV show. We think it is one of the stupidest ideas ever — and she’s had some lulus. Lisa has always been strong- willed. Arguments with her leave me drained for a week and leave her more determined. I have used every argument FE can think of without effect. Her fiance doesn’t seem as determined as she is, but is more than willing to go along with it. His parents are as upset as we are, biame everything on Lisa, but can do nothing about it. “Nang,”’ the senile old biddy, doesn’t seem to understand what’s going on and just keeps saying, “If that’s what Lisa wants."” Lisa and Tom both have good jobs and a house. They have made it clear that they do noi need our help and will proceed with this, with or without our blessing, but Lisa prefers us to be on good terms and wants me to be irvolv- I almost prefer that they simply live together. She has offered to handle the invitations, and I agreed with that. Is there a special etiquette here? Lisa is determined that everything should be done ‘‘right.”’ How does one word invitations to a wedding where the wedding party will be nude? 1 would hope that I could use regular invitations end that she would change her soy —! ove with Judith Martin MISS MANNERS mind. But what if she doesn’t? I simply can’t send out invitations as if everything will be normal. 1 have to let people know what to expect, don’t J? How do I explain that we ep- prove of the marriage but not the costuming (or lack thereof)? Miss Manners, you get lots of letters. Have you ever heard of this situation before? How did it work out? What did they do about photographs? What did their friends and family think? Are they stil] together? Do they regret it now? Would they recommend it? GENTLE READER — My, my. Miss Manners hesitates to give out any prizes for Worst Original Idea, but no, she has not been confronted with this one be- fore. It is her profound wish that she never will be again. She does not care to imagine their version of the moment of public affection after the couple is pronounced married. While etiquette has been spared the task of setting rules for whatever Lisa or some television show might dream up, there is, indeed, a general rule that one does not spring surprises on guests. The style of a wedding is declared from the gentlemen’s clothing — white tie, black tie or suit for evening, morning dress, sack coat or suit for daytime — so what you have here is a nudist wedding. To put it mildly, this must be classified as the least formal of weddings, and therefore such a formality as third-person invita- tions is incongruous. For an in- formal wedding, one invites guests by letter. Your letter might say: ‘‘Our daughter, Lisa, and Thomes An- vil, junior, are being married on Saturday, December eleventh, at noon, at Pleasant Palms, the home of her grandmother, Mirs. Benford Lorton. It is to be a fhudist ceremony, but guests are expected to dress. Although this is not our choice, we approve of zhe young man.”’ And speaking of approval, Miss Manners does not quite care for the way you characterize your mother-in-law. Unless that lady is really unable to understand the situation and must be protected from what she herself would normally find humiliating, she must be allowed to make her own decision. You might consider insisting that you will skip the wedding itself — perhaps the bridegroom’s parents would like to join you — which can then be held for whoever among the couple’s friends finds the idea thrilling. You could give an ordinary recep- tion in honor of the couple a week or two later, to which you invite your friends. DEAR MISS MANNERS — I have a wonderful daughter who is gay. It was a number of years be- fore our immediate family began to understand or accept this dif- ference of lifestyle. Without dwelling further on that specific issue, here’s the debate. She will be getting married within the next year in a very prominent church nearby. My children will all be attending. Do I send out invitations? Do I hand-pick those who might be understanding? Since the topic ef being gay is uncomfortable for many to even discuss, I do not want to hurt any relative or close friend who might See Know page 36 so” COLD \ CEMS DIAMOND SOLITAIRES, CLUSTERS, ENGAGEMENT SETS FROM A BRILLIANT SOLITAIRE DIAMOND SUSPENDED OVER A ROW OF SPARK- UNG DIAMONDS WITH MATCHING BAND ~ .37 CT Now 695°° NEW ADDRESS 4414 LONSDALE AVE. 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