Affair makes her jittery

But it’s not ‘tawdry or cheap’

QUESTION: I am a widow
who re-married five years
ago. All through my adult
life I have been unalterably
opposed to married people
having affairs. I was com-
pletely “true” to my first
husband, although, God
knows, his way of life did not
run along the lines of
fidelity. I have also been
faithful to my present
husband until about = six
months ago. I am still op-
posed to affairs, in principle,
but here I am in the midst of
one with a perfectly won-
derful guy who has helped
me see that in our particular
case, there is nothing wrong
with what we are doing. His
wife knows that he has not
been entirely faithful to her,
although she does not know
about me. My husband does
not know about what I am
doing either and so I am not
in any way hurting him.
There is nothing tawdry or
cheap about our relation-
ship, for it is based on love
and mutual respect.

There is no cloud in the
sky for us, except that I must
admit I feel a bit jittery. It
has been so easy for me to
change away from my long-
held opposition to affairs,
and once in a while I wonder
if I am not really as pleased
with myself as I seem to be.
The relationship is so fan-
tastic that perhaps I am

blinded somewhat. I would
appreciate your comments
about what I am doing.

STEWART: I suppose it is
very difficult not to be a mite
suspicious of yourself when
you

are participating in

something you have been
opposed to for years and are
still opposed to in principle.
The present basis for your
affair will probably not stand
up for long, because you,
yourself are not able to give
it your total approval. One
aspect of your situation that
is apt to weigh heavily on
you is your deceiving your
husband. You say, “I am not
in any way hurting him”
(because he doesn’t know
what's happening) but
almost certainly you are
hurting yourself (because
you DO know what is

happening).

Ask yourself why you have
always been opposed to what
you are doing now. That
may need some deep re-
thinking.

If your affair or your
marriage is to become
something lasting and

beautiful, there will have to
be some _ far-reaching
changes made. Why have
you always been opposed to
infidelity in marriage? Your
answer to that question will
help you decide what the
“far-reaching changes” will
be.

ask hayden stewart

Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242
for appointments for individual, family or group counselling.

No such thing as ‘ordinary person’

QUESTION: I am a very
ordinary person who has
EXTRAordinary ideas about
things I want to do and the
kind of person I want to be.
My trouble Is that
sometimes, in fact, usually,
my ideas are too big for me.
When I say I am an ordinary
person, I mean I do not have
gobs of money, I am not
highly educated, I have a
pretty good job, but nothing
outstanding. I do not have
any special skills that make
me stand out in a crowd.
Yet, I keep having these
dreams of making some
great contribution to
mankind. I don't really mean
dreams, because these ideas
come to me while I am wide
awake and in full possession
of my faculties. I suppose |
called them dreams because
30 often I know immediately
that they are away beyond
me.

At first I get all excited
about the idea and then,
pretty soon, | become aware
that the thing is an im.
posibility. Why do I keep
having these pictures of
myself dong something
outstanding when in = my

heart of hearts I know I am
doing what I would call silly
day-dreaming if it was being
done by somebody else?

STEWART: I think I un-
derstand your explanation of
what you mean by “an or-
dinary person”. but I find
myself wishing you could
stop giving yourself that
label. Ordinary people are
very very rare. In fact, I feel
sure there ts no such animal.
We are all extraordinary.

It's good that you are alert
enough to want to
distinguish between on the
one hand, valid, appropnate
longings to ‘climb up
higher’ in your life
evolvement, and, on the
other hand. = sentimental
fuzzy pipe-dreams = about
dramatic performances that

you would like to be credited
with. I suppose we all ex-
perience both of those kinds
of “vision” for ourselves. It is
a wise person who is willing
to enjoy (and then throw out
of mind) those pipe-dreamy
pulls that really should give
us a few chuckles. They are
fun!

But don’t throw out too
many too soon! A current
writer on the subject you
have introduced says that it
is probably impossible to
have a valid idea about our
emergence into a_ higher
plane of being here on earth
without having the equip
ment needed to actualize the
idea. So don't give up on
your idea too easily. That
far-out idea may be just right
for you as you move toward

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