40 - Sunday, October 23, 1988 - North Shore News

DEAR MISS MANNERS — An old friend recently had a
40th birthday party, which is a major event for many of us,
and decided to make it an afternoon midweek party for

ladies only.

While I acknowledge that there
are numerous occasions on which a
“gender exclusive’ gathering is
appropriate, I do not feel that a
birthday party is one of them after
the fourth grade. I was hurt and

poi

miss
manners
Judith Martin

offended, and can’t help but
wonder if ber husband and other
male friends, also excluded, felt
the same way. :

My wife, and perhaps the other
lucky guests, has been trying to
jestify this bebavior with lines like
“It’s her party — she can do what
she wants to,’’ but I think it was
rade, selfish and insensitive. Her
guests wko could afford to had to
miss a day’s work. I think she was
inconsiderate of them, also.

’ Am I being a jerk? Was i wrong
not to send 2 gift? Should | lnvite
her to mine?

GENTLE READER — “Miss:

Manners would never go so far as

to agree that you are being a jerk,

but she could point out that going

. to pieces over not being invited to

a birthday party and resolving to
retaliate are not generally admitted
after the fourth grade.

Adult birthdays are not, in the
middle years, momentous occa-
sions on which all who have been
close to that person during her
lifetime gather to pay tribute. That
should be done once in a person’s
lifetime, say at 60, 75 or 80.

Especially when people give bir-
thday parties for themselves, there
is supposed to be a lighthearted
recognition that the honoree is be-
ing a bit indulgent, however engag-
ingly:

An old-fashioned ladies’ lun-
cheon could certainly fit into that
spirit. Ladies who were unable to
take long lunch hours could
decline or appear only for a
specified hour. The uninvited, such
as yourself, need not send pres-
ents.

However, Miss Manners does
not like your wife’s defence of this
lady, any more than she likes your
attack. The suggestion that one
can disregard other people’s feel-
ings with impunity, because one
happens to be the hostess, bride or
birthday celebrant,~ is ridiculous
and offensive. But that is a long
way from-being obliged to treat
one’s 40th birthday as a national
holiday in which all can par-
ticipate. .

DEAR MISS MANNERS — My
sister uses ‘‘four-letter-words”’ at

any time or place. I have two J

daughters, 8 and 5, and I do not
want them using or hearing that
kind of language. 1 don’t want to
hear it myself, elther.

Her husband and son and the
son’s gilfriend also use these

words, though not 2s often as my y

sister. I have even heard her do

this when our parents were in the
room. (1 asked her what Mother
thought of it, and she said she
didn’t say anything.) They seem to
think it’s the same as ‘‘gosh’’ or
“dam it.”’

I do not hear others using these
words, except for young teenagers
hanging around the eating areas in
malls, and people in movies, where
you are forewarned.

This bothers me so much that I

don’t want to visit them at their
house.
GENTLE READER’ — Miss
Manners hates to hear of relatives
becoming estranged over dif-
ferences in personal habits, but she
is aware that smoking has created
the same sort of rift as you
describe. And while a pithy vo-
cabulary may not be bad for the
health, it is a sort of pollutant.

Miss Manners endorses your
campaign to keep these words
away from your children, but
warns you that you cannot hope to
do so by censuring others. In the
case of such close relatives, it
would be nice if they would res-
pond to a gentle appeal, such as:
“I hope you don’t mind, but since
my girls are forbidden to use.cer-
tain words, could you use a little
Jess colorful vocabulary around
them? They look up to you so
much.”’

West Vancouver Foundation -
750 - 17th Street, West Vancouver, BC. V7V 3T3 922-1211

Dear Neighbour,

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aft agit eh

In thinking about the fairy tale JACK AND THE BEANSTALK, I am reminded over —
and over, of the West Vancouver Foundation ... the parallels and the disparities. «'

We have in West Vancouver many giants of industry, commerce, science and the

arts. Like the fairy tale, many of them have accumulated great wealth. Unlike the
story, these giants did not steal their largesses from ageing widows; they earned
it. We also have people of more modest means, like Jack's villagers, eager to share.
Remember the man with the magic beans? .

Fairy tales never speak of a social system that might include support for ageing
widows like Jack's mother. But in our world there is such a system, I.am told

there are 60,000 registered charities in Canada alone. Making a decision. which to
support is tough! Aristotle put it this way: “To give away money is an easy matter
and in any man’s power. But to decide to whom to give it, and how large, and for
what purpose, is not an easy matter. Hence it is, that such excellence is rare,
praiss-worthy and noble.”

What a difficult time Jack must have had picking and choosing what would
benefit his community the most! Story books do not record his
dilemma.

Perhaps — just perhaps — he founded a society like the West Van-
couver Foundation that would first: promote education, culture,
scientific and medical research to increase human knowledge and eo

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ES

contribute to the moral, mental, cultural and physical improvement =.
of the community. And, in addition, to receive monies (golden eggs,
bags of silver, magic harps, whatever) to invest, administer and dis-

* tribute to his neighbours for the common good of the community. (By

All we know is, Jack, his Mother and the whole community lived NI ,
happily ever after. And that’s what the West Vancouver Founda-
tion is all about ... in the end.

oe
R. Keith Duncan
Chairman

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Bile peal te Peet tar cnt Pt ce,