38 - Sunday, April 7, 1991 - North Shore News LIFESTYLES Much ado about cheesecake DEAR MISS MANNERS — I mentioned to my boyfriend that t was going to make a cheesecake for a dinner party, and he said he would like to help me. | said OK. He never mentioned it again. He knew when I was making it, because it came up in a few con- yersations. £ ended up doing it myself, because I believe that when people offer their help, ! shouldn’t have to remind them. { feel that if they made the offer, they should do what they said. After a few weeks had passed, | mentioned that it bothered me. My boyfriend said he had been waiting for me to ask him. He said that it was up to me to ask him and that he had remembered. I was furious with him. Hf peo- ple offer, they should make good on the offer. 1 think that their waiting to be asked is playing games, and also it makes the other person feel the offer is not genu- ine. This is really bothering me. My boyfriend keeps saying that I didn’t went to show him how to make the cake. Help! GENTLE READER — It sounds to Miss Manners as if you have the ingredients here for a terrific battle, and she is not anx- ious to get in the middle of it. Not when you are armed with eggs and cream. If you and your boyfriend want to work yourselves into a fury over nothing, why do you need Miss Manners? Go ahead and convince yourself that his offer was an insult, and let him work on his defence until it becomes an accusation of maliciously depriv- ing him of a learning experience. None of this has anything to do with good manners, which would have led you to presume that his offer was made in good faith, and would have suggested the courtesy of letting him know when you wished to take him up on it. DEAR MISS MANNERS — A friend of mine, who had agreed to be a bridesmaid at her sister’s June wedding, gave birth to a baby in November. Because my friend had gained weight as a result of her pregnancy, she received much teasing when she and her bride-to-be sister and their other sisters, who will also be bridesmaids, selected the brides- maids’ dresses. My friend now wears a size-12 dress, while the sisters all wear size six. She was told that she would have to lose weight by the wedding day, and the bride ordered the dress for her in a size NEW ZEALAND, AUSTRALIAN & BRITISH TAX PREPARATION Judith MISS MANNERS eight. There is a little twist to this story, in that the bride is not just an everyday tyrant bride but also a nutritionist who equally qualifies as an everyday tyrant health ar- biter. She ordered the weight loss for my friend's own good, as well as for the good of the wedding. Needless to say, my friend's feelings were hurt. I think this story shows that the insults being hurled at wedding participants and guests, and the insults being hurled at the general populace about heaith habits, are inextricably linked. It appears that the insulters feel they have such a high calling that they are not bound by any sense of the necessi- ty for mutual respect among all people. Where will it all end? I have a fearful vision. Soon the bride will require that all members of the wedding party get plastic surgery lest the wedding day be ruined when the video photographer captures an unseem- jy bump on a nose, or an untuck- ed tummy. Likewise the bad health habits ef the deceased will relieve those attending a funeral of any obliga- tion to mourn. Instead of tearfully kissing a flower and tossing it on top of a lowered casket, the funeral attendees will throw globs of hamburger meat, eggs or ciga- rette butts, depending on which vice is perceived as having caused the death. Paying respects will be passe — peopt!e will gather to pay their insults. You will be asked such etiquette questions as: “My heaithy cousin has reserv- ed rooms for her bridesmaids not only in the most expensive hotel but also in the most expensive hospital for the bridesmaids® liposuction. I cannot afford both events, so would it be proper to have the liposuction done at a more moderately priced local hos- pital?*’ GENTLE READER — Miss Manners is impressed with your analysis of the egotism of rampant do-goodism. Indeed, the amount of vanity necessary to enable the sort of person you describe to believe that her concern for the welfare of others absolves her of the need to consider their feelings is staggering. But surely the victims, such as your friend, and the sympathizers, such as you, will protect Miss Manners from the sort of etiquette question you envisage. 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