9 - Friday, June 5, 1987 ~ North Shore News Doug Collins ® get this straight @ JUST AS life was becoming a little dull, along came the dykes and fairies of Vancouver to provide relief. They came by Seabus, marched all the way up Lonsdale in my honor, and then parked themselves outside the North Shore News. So I could do no less than go outside to take the salute. T must be good for the North Shore tourist trade, too. For although my reasonable writings have Jed to this newspaper’s being picketed in the past, this was the first time a full-scale invasion from the big city has taken place. What had excited these queer people was my column of May 15, | the lead of which read: ‘*Tomorrow, provincial perverts will gather at the Univer- sity of British Columbia for the Fourth Annual Regional Lesbian and Gay Conference. And it passeth human understanding that UBC could permit such a | meeting while bullying the engineering students into discar- ding such harmless affairs as the Lady Godiva ride.”’ What’s wrong with that? The protesters’ placards carried interesting titles, like ‘‘Queers Against Apartheid’; ‘‘Dyke Engineers Against Collins’’; Pro- Mailbox — vincial Perverts Say Doug Is A Liar’, and ‘‘Dykes Fighting Racism’’. I did my best to add a little class to the show, asking the demonstrators whether they had’ been tested for AIDS. Right away, though, I wished I had worn my KKK outfit in case so- meone spat on me. These days, spittle can be dangerous. But [ couldn’t find the white hood... One sign said: ‘‘Minorities Against Collins’. Typically, it wus carried by a white wench. And there were several signs that were take-offs on the title of this column -- Get This Straight. I am a Straight, of course, and ‘whether they will get me I don’t know. But if we are to get anything straight, it is necessary to point out a few things about homosexuals, whose cause is becoming popular with the politi- cians, some of whom are fairies themselves. As for the rest, they will do anything for a vote, Homosexuality can be a sickness, a perversion, or both. It kills, too, despite the campaign to palm it off as normal and something you shouldn’t be ashamed to tell your grandma about. That is why I call AIDS God’s Botch. For AIDS is spread mainly by homosexuals, most of whom are flagrantly promiscuous. According to the book ‘“*Homosexualities’’, published through the Kinsey Institute, 15 per cent of homosexuals have bet- ween 500 and 1,000 partners dur- ing their lifetimes, and 32 per cent have between 100 and 500 part- ners. Only nine per cent have fewer than 25. American national studies show, too, that adult homosexual assaults on boys account for 50 per cent of all sexual assaults on children. So it is a myth that this breed of person is no more of a danger to kids than heterosexuals are, especially when one considers that homos number only five per cent of the population. Another thing we should get straight is that not all homosex- uals are born that way. Many are that way because they choose to be. But it is not something we should applaud or protect by ‘aw, which is what the MPs are trying to do. Pamphlets put out by the demonstrators bore the stamp “The Vancouver Lesbian Connec- tion’? and demanded the early demise of my “racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-Semetic views’’, What does ‘‘homophobic’’ mean? It is not in my dictionary. And when will these loopers learn to spell? If | am to be crucified, let it be done by literate people, I say. Endorsements of the demonstration read like a roll call of the Loony Left: Media Watch, the B.C. Human Rights Coali- tion, Gays and Lesbians of UBC, Women of Color, Simon Fraser University Women’s Centre, the Federal Gay and Lesbian Caucus of the NDP, etc. Twenty-five groups in all. Not bad. . The parade was late, by the way, and that caused a friend to observe that perhaps the pro- testers had been waylaid. Not a bad line, I thought. Reader remembers amusing incident Dear Editor: I enjoyed, very much, B.R. Cock’s amusing story of his en- forced telephone answering service (Mailbox, May 15). His letter made my day — and also triggered my recall of.a similar incident that befell me. . I happened in the-’70s, and in- volved an advertisement placed in the North Vancouver paper of the ‘day. , One mid-morning I answered a phone call, to be told by the caller that my phone number, instead of their own, had inadvertently ap- ‘NV suite rules uproot family Dear Editor: My anger has subsided some- what, so I can respond to the heavy-handed ruling by council to enforce a ban on illegal suites. As a_ single father of two school-aged children, I have work- - “gd hard to maintain a house and home for them. Quite simply, the rent 1! receive from my_ suite enables me to remain in the house. Tenants are screened by myself, and my neighbors have never had a cause to complain. I am now faced with having to sell my house and disrupt my kids’ education by moving to an area affordable but sanctioned by the local council. I urge this council to reconsider its actions (amnesty for existing suites for example) or, better still, to follow the example of other elected bodies on the North Shore _and respond to neighbors’ com- piaints. _ Incidentally Mr. Crist, I wish I could afford to live in Hong Kong, but in reality I’d like to stay here and wish that you and Ms. Baker lived there! Name withheld North Vancouver peared in their ad. Apologies were proffered, and would I mind giv-. ing any ‘callers .their correct number. The subject of the ad was a black pup they wished to give away. In due course. a call came. I passed on the message and went back to my chores feeling good about being a help to someone. Very shortly after, another call. This time, would I be so kind in telling any further callers that the pup was gone. It would be no trouble at all, I said unwittingly. From then on my routine com- pletely changed. Caller after caller had to be told the pup’s gone. Some even asked what sort of a dog was it? I could have given away 20 pups that day. By evening I had a suspicion that | had been made an involun- lary answering service and, maybe, just maybe it was a well thought- out plan by the people who. had placed the ad ‘to unburden themselves. Joy Humphreys West Vancouver ‘Wetmore Motors Up sdate: | There's no mistaking the attraction of the Cabriolet. It's designed and built in Germany with crystal clear objectives: sporting performance, European luxury, modern convenience, and a built-in guarantee to put a smile on your face. It all adds up to a very unique automobile. EIFOX © JETTA * GTI * CABRIOLET * SCIROCCO * VANAGONG Wetmore Motors Ltd. 2203 MARINE DR. — WEST VANCOUVER, B.C. 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