QUESTION: -For purposes
of this letter, Fil call ‘my
lover Rod, Rod and ; have
been together. for 61; years
3 When we first. came
together I was opposed to~
marriage. Not just opposed.
to our getting married, but
opposed to marriage in
general. He felt very much
the same. Neither of us had
been ‘before. We
were in our mid-twenties.

It has been a lovely
relationship and we have two
“perfect” children. Lately,
however, I: have been
surprised to notice that I
-have a sort of “temporary”
feeling about. our
relationship. —

Ie’ s almost. as though (says

- Freelance: Counsellor. Hayden Stewart: may . be- reached. at
261-6242 for appointments. for individual,

. counselling. His new office in the International Piaza Hotel (Open
Tuesdays only) is for the convenience of North Shore residents.

. }
vd

t married?

‘married now, after all this
_ time.

‘STEWART:

What you
“SHOULD” do is somewhat
‘out‘of my line. I suspect you
are right in assuming that I~
may have a bias, but I see no~
need to lean -on it in

responding to your letter. -

.I feel a little bit jittery
about your attitudes con-
cerning “the security at-
tached to going through the
accepted legal procedures of
marriage”. There is no

‘security for you-in going the

legal route anymore than
there is security for you in
choosing another route,
such as you have ex-
perienced | in the last 6%

Rod, the foothall fan) we hea ears.

both been to training camp

-and had done well, but we -

: have not been “signed” yet .
We both have twinges of
feeling kind of tentative
about our relationship, even
though we both are happy in
it and both want it to go on
* "til death do us part”.

We have both talked
about whether we are
missing the security attached
to going through the ac-

Any security you and Rod
have ‘may be found within

yourselves and only within

yourselves. So, I would say,
that it would be only out of
lack of awareness if you
were to choose to be married
for reasons of security. -

There is much to be said
for various advantages that
marriage can offer, but you
will give credence and

cepted legal procedures of ‘Tespect to what is said only if

marriage. We are not

members of any church,

although I would say we are

quite “spiritual” or
_ “religious”.

You may be opposed to
what we have done so far
{lived “common-law”) and so
it may not be possible for
you to give us unbiased
advice, but Rod and I both
would like to hear what you
have to say to us about
gf bother we should get

you hear it being said from
within yourselves. I think I
hear you saying that you
want your love to: grow and
expand and mature and that
you feel marriage may very
well symbolize that hunger
within you.

Trust your Higher Selves
as you share together in
enhancing the dimensions
and quality of your love.
You will know which is
YOUR WAY.

Handcuffed by
top dogs?

QUESTION: I've often
wondered why you avold
political and social issues in
your column. Is it because
you don’t get questions on
those subjects? Or fs it for
some other reason? Probably
you are hand-cuffed by the
top dogs in THE NORTH
SHORE NEWS. Right?

STEWART: Wrong. No
hand-cuffs have been used,
nor have they been
threatened. Look at it
another way. I see’ the
column as being almost
blatantly concerned with
politics and social issucs.
However, I am not a

theorist, and therefore do
not write as onc.

1 endeavour to concern
myself with PERSONS
rather than with theories
about “movements” of
persons. | am interested in
the real experiences people
have as they try to live well
from day to day under
Clarke or Trudeau. I am not
interested in discussing the
fine points of Liberalism or
Conservatism. I see nothing
wrong with political or
social-issue theorizing, it's
just that it is not my bag nor
is it appropriate to this sort
of column.

“Thanks

But. — for

noticing[”

Seweteaere tera Sala

family. or Sou

—
I'm so glad you did not say’
you were. _considering

marriage “for the sake of the |
children”. Your con-
sideration of them and your
love for them are-a part of _
“your ‘Teality.— :

As you make choices from
within your reality, and for
the sake of beautifying and
perfecting your reality,
neither you nor your
children will suffer
unhealthily as a result.

aoe,

may not-be a fair question
and it's the first time I’ve
ever written to the paper, so

_f ‘don't know ff you'll answer
“me or not. The reason: -the
~ question. is unfair is that it’s

. ahout something my father

- ‘keeps saying and you don't
know him or me. But F'll-tell
you w

_ yousay.

two -years. I'm on pretty
friendly’
‘mother and father and often
_ visit them and my sister who

fs younger a and lives athome:; -

‘

“saying to me, “I want to have
a talk with you”. Then, no
‘matter what the “talk” is

about, he almost always ouds
up with, “And don’t forget
..who saw you through when

you needed help”.

QUESTION: In a way, this —

hat. it is. and see what

Tm a 24-year-old male ‘and. -
have-been’ living away ‘from |
‘my. ‘parents home for almost

terms with my

i've heard. that from him |
hundreds. of times: over. the

, past ten years! For the first —
~ few years I just sort of took it
as ‘something fathers say to
: sons and never gave it: much

attention; But in the last two

years it has bothered me.
enough.to make-me wonder:

what in. the world it means.
AW

What in hells he tying co
saytome? —

‘STEWART: Why: Thot- ask

him? And if you do, try to

ask him in a-way that will

encourage him to give you.a,

meaningful answer. ° - Avoid™-

making him feel ‘stupid about

it. Avoid making him feel he —
is being attacked by you.

Play it cool. “Dad, I’ve

‘been meaning to ask you

about that phrase you just
used. I've heard you say it
often, but lately [ve won-
dered if I've been missing
something. What do you
mean when you say ‘Don’t

forget who s saw you’ throug h
when’ you needed ‘help’? »”

sf. “several

things he may wan ‘to say to

you “when = he--uses* that:
phrase. He: may be saying,

“You'll always be. my little

boy”, ‘or, perhaps, “You're

_ on your own now and you

are. well able to. make your
own way, but I care about
you and love you ‘and I’m
always. here if you have some
need | ‘you ‘want to . Share. with
‘Or ‘perhaps he’s saying,
“You are: ‘obligated - ‘to me,
you know", ‘or i Perhaps 36 S,

you were a boy”

He may be’ saying, badly,

something that would be

good for you to-hear. Ask
him. Give him a chance to:
put it in other words. He
may be -trying to say
something about his love for
you. Who knows? ‘Perhaps
HE does?

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