THEY MUST have
known I was coming.

The day we went to Paris
through the Channel Tunnel
there was a 1000-degree
Celsius fire in the afternoon
that screwed things up good
and proper. We had done the
trip in the morning.

Childlike in my pleasurss,
going through the
Chunnel jast month was
really the only reason I
went to Paris. ’'d been
there before and once
you've seen it you've
seen it.

‘T also wanted to do
the return wip under the
sea. Napoleon didn’t make it
that way. Neither did Hitler.
And as it turned out neither
-- did Collins.

We had to come back by
ferry. And we were lucky at
that because the lunatic
French truck-drivers were on
strike and holding Calais and
the whole of France to ransom
by parking their vehicles on
the roads.

Paris is an interesting city
(he said, knowing that some
say it is the most beautiful city
in che world).

Not this time, it wasn’t. It
was cold, wet, and windier
than a 4 donkey’ 's bum. But
Grey E es dragued me

the art galleries and I
so 7 enough paintings to last a

She also dragged me to the
Eiffel Tower but it was closed.

The wind was at gale strength
and it was swaying around a bit.

So was I.

Then I had a bright idea.
Why not buy some nice
French bread and take it back
to the hotel for lunch?

That’s the kind of thing we
peasants do in Paris, given the
prices there.

We went into a bake shop
and she bought a baguente. It
must have been three fect
long. The storm was still rag-
ing so I stuck it down in my
raincoat to prevent it from
getting wet.

Thar rurned out to be a
wet thing to do, though. Soon
we were on the Metro, head-
ing back to the hotel, and
there was I sitting down with
this great big thing hanging

“ With idiot grins and
other body language I did
my best to assure the lady
I wasn’t a pervert. ”

down between my legs.

The lady sitting opposite
looked at me funny lik

With idiot grins ; and ‘other
body language I did my best
to assure the lady I wasn’t a
pervert.

When we got off [ broke .
the damned thing in two and
gave it to my dear spouse, who
scemed to think the matter
was the joke of the century.

To continue: Paris is an
interesting city. And one of the
most interesting things for me
was Napoleon’s tomb.

Asa lot of people will tell
you, I am fond of dictators.

“Ici le tombeau
Napolcon?” I asked the cop at
the gate in my perfect French.

“Yes,” he answered in
English, grinning like a true
member of the entente
cordiale.

T had seen the tomb in
1945 when you could get in
free. Now you have to pay.
But it is still the most beautiful
thing of its kind in the world.

They brought the old guy
back from St. Helena in the
late 1840s and his black mar-
ble sarcophagus forms the cen-
trepiece of a structure that
would not shame the
Pharaohs. The French take
their heroes seriously.

Ina circle on the floor
beneath him are the names of
many of his greatest battles.
Austerlitz, Borodino, etc. But
one name is missing:

Waterloo.

Nobody's perfect.

Re the Chunnel and the
Eurotrain. They are wonder-
ful. When they’re working,
that is. And the main
flies along at 120 mph.
Silently. The beer’s
good, too. .
Suiving to get back to
Angleterre I liked the .
notice at the Gare du
Nord (a big railway sta-
tion in Paris, in case
your French is not up to my
standard.) It stated:

“Eurotrain completely can-
celled.”

The French don’t do
things by halves, you see. No
messing around ‘with being
just cancelled.

I nearly forgot. My enemies
were looking for me in
London, too. There were two
IRA bomb scares on the
Underground, one of which
nearly prevented us from get-
ting to the theatre on time.

Napoleon would have
known how to fix chose guys.

Oui! There would be no
Joyeux Noel for them.

— The North Shore News
believes strongly in freedom of
speech and abe right of all sides
in a debate to be heard. The
columnists published in the

view, but those views are not
necessarily those of the newspa-
per itself.

They Ve:
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