54 - Sunday, June 14, 1987 - North Shore News Lifestyies. SaaS REINSTATING VAL Know when as wel ONE OF the fine old weapons in the Etiquette Arsenal used to be the reprimand ‘‘There is a time and a place for that sort of thing.” The words ‘‘and this isn’t it’? were understood. Delivered with something of a sniff (head tilted back, eyebrows slightly raised, nose pointed up- ward, features frozen except for a quivering of the nostrils and the minimum lip movement necessary to pronounce the words), this statement informed dependants that they had just demonstrated ignorance of a sense of the ap- propriate. the notion that proper behavior is not always an absolute but may vary with the circumstances. Let us say that a youngster pro- nounces an obscene word to his grandparents in the hope of amaz- ing and terrifying them by in- troducing them to the concept of human sexuality, of which they had not been previously aware. When he has reason to believe that the desired result has been achiev- ed (because they flinch), he then offers a defence based on the miss manners by Judith Martin What was most crushing about this enjoinder was that it squashed any hope the perpetrator might have had of shocking the elders. The time-and-place remark made it clear that it was not the action itself that was being condemned, but the arena in which it was per- formed. . Miss Manners wishes to reinstate this vaiuable tool. She finds she must give lessons in its use, because while the young naturally have no sense of context unless they are taught, present-day grown-ups have lost confidence in necessity of facing the true, raw realism of life, or he delivers the news bulletin that the word is in use elsewhere. . No sensible grown-up should let him get away with this. The child has to be informed that what he has demonstrated is not worldliness, but the fact that he is stuck at a primitive level of knowl- edge about human society. Master- ing the ability to judge social con- text is one of the more sophisticated achievements one needs before being considered civi- lized Discounts to 50% June 14-21 Capliano Mall North Vancouver North Mall near Sears Portrait Studio ete ee © @ © ee 8 He Ole 8 eo 8 @ © © © © 6 6 8 oe 8 ee . . 2 ewe ee we oO eeeee ee sa ee ew NOTICE of ROAD CONSTRUCTION Commencing 1987, June 15 Southborough Drive from Moyne Square to Highland Drive will be under construc- tion for a period of approximately four weeks. We would appreciate residents, if at all possible, using an alternate route. We apologize for any inconvenience and request your -cooperation with traffic control personnel during the @ construction period. UABLE ETIQUETTE TOOL However, we live in naive times, and that childish defence is con- stantly being put forward, even by grown-ups, who ought to know how to disallow it. One is always hearing violators of the simplest social conventions — vocabulary, fit subject matter for conversation, clothing, the distinction between public and private behavior — arguing that what they are doing is appropriate somewhere and therefore could not be inappropriate anywhere. They will, for example, claim the right to use certain words or to discuss certain matters in the draw- ing room, on the public airways, in institutional computer systems or in any open forum, on the grounds that the words appear in good lit- erature or the topics are the object of scientific inquiry. Naively denying the symbolic function of clothing, they will point out that the outfits others try to call vulgar or scandalous are, in fact, proper attire in other places. If bathing suits, or near-nudity, are acceptable on the beach, why can’t one appear thus in town? If sweat-clothes are proper for loung- ing, why are they improper at par- ties? If black dresses are suitable for parties, why aren’t they ac- ceptable at weddings? Perhaps the violators of conven- tion will reveal the fact that certain actions that are frowned upon when practised in public are actu- ally normal behavior. Revealing that it is natural for romantic cou- ples to kiss, for example, or for a mother to breast-feed a child, is supposed to establish that it is therefore unnatural to object to being required to view these ac- tions. People who are frank about their desire to get ahead in their 1302 Lillooet Rd., N. Van. 980-0299 OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK PUR ANAL AYES COR TRE ALE RAAT SELATAN f as work argue that it is therefore un- fair to expect them to refrain from trying to drum up business among people they meet at social gather- ings. All of this attempts to deny the importance of venue. The richness of civilized society depends on the ability to understand the subtletics of context, to manage more than one style of behavior and to have a high sense of occasion. Knowing how to behave is only part of the struggle. One must also know when and where. DEAR MISS MANNERS — Does your rich and worldly experience include a notion of the protocol of skinny-dipping? Are my friends whose traditions include repairing to the old swimming hole obligated to warn their guests of the impen- ding peer pressure to peel? I have found myself straining to ‘GES how appear credible in asserting that yes, I drove four hours up here to the mountains, and yes, it is 90 degrees outside, but no, I’m just not in the mood for a swim. When a mild-mannered citizen arrives at such a party to find nothing resembling a cabana to change in, when he or she is then forced to examine other guests from all con- ceivable angles, when all conversa- tion ends with ‘‘We'd like to see more of you,”’ is the fault with the host or the guest’s expectations? GENTLE READER — The host. Hosts always have an obligation to alert people ahead of time about what dress is expected. Miss Manner; hopes you don’t think that she limits her worldly knowledge to her worldly experi- ence. Preferring bathing suits with sleeves does not prevent her from hearing about skinny-dipping. SALIGHUTING ; 4600 East Hastings, Burnaby Tel. 299-0656 B WHOLESALE & RETAIL—FREE CATALOGUES AVAILABLE SUBSCRIBE THE VOICE OF MORTH AND WEST VANCOUVER ‘north shore SUNDAY + WEONESDAY + FRIDAY Call Mark Warner 985-2131 Local 157